One Day at a Time

                 When you live with a mental illness such as depression, there can be days when you feel alright and days when you struggle. I have times when I am doing well. Usually, those days are thanks to treatment with TMS or esketamine. Other days can be very difficult. Is it possible to balance these days?

                  When I am doing well or even on the days when I am doing just okay, I can recognize all that I have overcome. I am aware that I am winning my battle. It is a good feeling. During these times I have hope. I wish I could bottle this feeling and pour a little out on the bad days. During the times when the depression is darkening my world it easy to believe that the struggle is all there is. It is easy to forget about all I have accomplished in my battle with depression. I need reminders that there are better times. Fortunately, I have help. I have a support system in my mental health team who remind me that the struggles do not erase the progress I have made. When the depression takes a bad turn, I am fortunate to have these reminders. 

                  It is easy to forget about the positives. Depression darkens our world and allows the negatives to scream at us. Having a self-talk dialogue ready for these times can be helpful. The dialogue should be something positive, but not overly sappy. Something like, “I have gotten through 100% of the bad days.” I have seen this message on social media. It is a good reminder that depression hasn’t taken us. Bad days happen, but we get through them. Whether it is because we have a mental health provider who guides or because we have learned coping skills to ease us through the bad times, we have succeeded in fighting our depression. 

                  I think what it comes down to is living one day at a time. There are times when it is necessary to live one moment at a time. That is okay. We need to give ourselves grace. Just because one day or one moment isn’t going well doesn’t mean that the next will be bad. I know when you live with depression, so many moments seem unbearable. So often we feel numb and alone. It hurts. It feels like life is never going to get better. While it may be difficult, life does get better. There will be good times. It is difficult to remember those good times. It is difficult to remember what we have overcome, but it is necessary to keep these times in our memories. 

                  One way I am learning to remember that the light of healing returns even when life seems its darkest is to think of the analogy to night and day. Nighttime is dark, but in the morning the sun always rises. The same can be said for depression. Even at its darkest, the light of healing will come through at some point.

Proud to Live with Mental Illness

                  Recently, I saw a social media post from For Like Minds. It said, “I am proud to be living with mental illness.” This struck me. I immediately connected with the quote. It may sound strange to say I am proud to live with mental illness. Why would I say I am proud to have an illness? The key words are “living with”. I am not anymore proud to have a mental illness than I am to have cancer, but I am proud that I am living with my illnesses.

                  Having a mental illness is not easy. Despite what many people seem to think, depression and anxiety are illnesses. Their symptoms are debilitating at times. Other times they make life difficult. Mental illness hurts. Living with mental illness is a struggle. Despite the struggle, I am living. There have been times when my mental illness has almost taken my life. Suicidal thoughts and impulses are symptoms of my depression. Mental illness is not something that I willing choose to have. When my illness is under control, I do not want to die. However, when my mental illness takes control, it forces suicidal thoughts upon me.

                  I am proud of myself for living through my suicidal thoughts and impulses. I have fought my mental illness. Luckily, for me I have health care professionals who assist me in my battle with mental illness. They have taught me how to fight back. Some of that fight was already Inside of me. I have been fighting this illness for over 37 years. Early on I fought alone. Looking back, I would like to give my teenage self a high-five for getting through all she did. My teenage self deserves a hug. I am proud of her. 

                  I am proud of adult me, too. I live with mental illness. Some days are better than others. I treasure the times when I am in a good space. The times when TMS or esketamine are working. It is during those times that my struggle is easier. It is also during those times that I can practice the skills I need to live during the times when my illness is attacking me. I have learned to use coping skills such as journaling, self-hypnosis, self-talk, listening to music, art, and walking. These allow me to live with my mental illness. Of course, these alone are not enough. Depression and anxiety are illnesses. As such, they require treatment. I take some medication, although my other treatments are what really treat my illnesses. For me TMS and esketamine fight my depression and anxiety. They do not work alone. I must do my part. That means being consistent in going to treatment. It means believing in my treatment. I also need to be honest with my mental health team. I need to let them know how I am doing. I need to share what is going on in my mind. I need to be honest and reach out when I am having suicidal thoughts. My mental healthcare providers cannot help me unless I am honest with them. I am proud of myself for being honest with them. 

                  My battle with mental illness is just as real as my battle with cancer. The only difference is one is a mental illness, and one is a physical illness. Both are serious. Both require treatment. I need to trust my healthcare providers for both illnesses. I also need to recognize these illnesses impact each other. Having two illnesses requires me to understand how they affect each other. I have lived with mental illness most of my life. For the most part, I know what to expect with it. Cancer joined the fray a year and a half ago. I have a new battle. Living with cancer affects my mental health. It adds a layer of fear to my thoughts. Another reason I am proud of living with mental illness is that it has prepared me for my cancer battle. I have learned that I can live with an illness. I have lived with depression and anxiety. So, I know I have the strength to live with illness. That knowledge has helped me face cancer. This doesn’t mean that I am not afraid of the cancer. But I have been afraid before. I have been afraid of my mental illness, and I have managed to live. Why wouldn’t I be able to live with cancer as well?

                  So, I can proudly say I live with mental illness. I can proudly say I live with cancer. I am a fighter. Some days I am going to struggle, but my fight has taught me to be proud of myself and to keep fighting.