Alone for the Holidays

                 My holiday plans changed. I planned to take my mom out for dinner for Christmas Eve. She was excited. We were going to have seafood, which reminded both of us of the many Christmas Eve celebrations we had in the past with the traditional Italian American Feast of the Seven Fishes, but it was not meant to be. My mom struggles with anxiety and has Alzheimer’s and cancer. On Tuesday she told me that she does not want to go because she doesn’t want me driving all the way to her assisted living facility in the heavy rain we are having. She is also afraid of using her walker in the rain. So, Christmas Eve has been cancelled and I am spending it alone.

                  This is hard for me. As I have shared, I always struggle with my mental health during the holidays. Despite this, I have never spent the holiday alone. Growing up and well into my twenties we always had big Christmas gatherings on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I want to talk about Christmas Eve. I am Italian American. We always had the Feast of the Seven Fishes at my parent’s house on Christmas Eve with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all there. I have memories of my father frying calamari and baccala while my mother prepared linguini and clams. It is odd that I still have these memories because one of the effects of my mental health struggles is a lack of memories from my younger years. There would be so much fish and a house full of family. Everyone seemed to have a great time eating fish and opening presents.

                  Again, times change. My brother and his family now have their own Christmas Eve tradition that does not include me. A lot of my family has moved away. My grandparents have long since passed away. For years it has just been my mom and me on Christmas Eve. We tried to keep up the tradition of having fish, but as my mom has aged that has changed. Last year I took her to an Italian restaurant for fish. She loved it. This year what I have known would eventually happen has become a reality. I am alone. I am not going to even try to make fish. I would not be able to make it anywhere near the way my parents did.

                  I guess what is getting to me is that I am alone and know this is likely my future. My depression has intensified despite having esketamine yesterday. Although, that treatment is probably keeping functioning. I realize a lot of people spend holidays alone. So, I did some searching online about spending holidays alone.

                  It seems there are not specific numbers regarding how many people spend the winter holidays alone, but there are some numbers. Some data shows that around 14 million Americans will spend Christmas Day alone this year.  The data I found shows that 12% of older Americans are expected to be alone over the winter holidays. The information I found indicates that these older adults have mixed feelings about being alone. There are many reasons why a person might be alone during the holidays. These include age, living situation, distance from loved ones, work schedules, cost barriers, and personal preference. 

Here is a what I think is a staggering number. Fifty-five percent of Americans report feeling sad or lonely during the holidays even when not alone. When I think about it, even though this is the first year I will be physically alone, I felt alone for a long time. For me feeling alone is a combination of my mental illness, life choices I have made, and distance from extended family. My mental illness led me to choose living alone and not seeking relationships. So, in a way this is my doing. I thought about reaching out to extended family or friends, but I do not want to force myself upon others who have their own holiday traditions. My Christmas Eve will include some writing, listening to music, and relaxing with my dog. I decided to make ravioli. Nothing big. I am just boiling it and pouring sauce from a jar over it. This is definitely not the Feast of the Seven Fishes. The days of enjoying that are long gone. 

I am not sharing my story to garner sympathy. This is my life. I accept it for what it is. I am sharing to raise awareness about the many people who are alone this holiday season, whether by choice or not. As you celebrate, remember there are many of us who are not experiencing the cheer. There are many of us who are alone and doing the best we can. If you know someone who is alone, reach out and share a bit of holiday cheer, even if it is just a phone call or text message.