As the year draws to a close many people are setting resolutions. I do not believe in resolutions. I never set them. I do, however, believe in setting a plan for the new year and determining what actions I am going to take to manifest what I want my future to contain. I often find it challenging to think about what I really want in life. My. depression and anxiety often get in the way. Figuring out what I want is something that I need to think about. I cannot make things happen if do not know what I want.
Last week I had a conversation with Brittany, the psychiatric nurse practitioner who leads my esketamine treatment. I was struggling and felt like I was going nowhere in life. I was telling her how I feel like I have missed out on so much in life. We discussed how being over 50 and alone makes it scary to think about my future. The high likelihood that my cancer will return adds to my anxiety over the future. I shared how I feel like I will always be alone and that I will have no one to help me as I age or fight cancer again.
We discussed how I have given up a lot because of my mental illness. I never pursued dating or having a relationship because I feared my depression and anxiety would affect anyone I was in a relationship with and if I were to have a family it would have a negative impact on any children I might have. I have always believed that I did not deserve to have a relationship. As a result, I feel like I do not have a lot of things that I once wanted. Brittany was understanding and reframed things for me. We discussed what it meant to want something and how we can manifest the things we want. It was a deep conversation. I carried what she said into my esketamine treatment. As the effects of the esketamine were wearing off and I was returning to a conscious state, my pen took over. I wrote several pages in my journal as I sat there. My mind focused on how to determine what I want in life and what it means to manifest those things. It was a powerful writing session, and I now understand that the writing was part of my esketamine induced dissociation. It was also something that I truly needed.
It may seem that I have wandered off topic, but the conversation with Brittany and the writing I did after esketamine affect how I am approaching the new year. When you live with depression and anxiety, negatives are often in the forefront of your mind. I am trying to overcome those negatives and set a plan for the new year in which I manifest what I truly want for myself.
Depression and anxiety can make it difficult to see the big picture of life. So, as I go into the new year, I am focusing on identifying what I care about and the little steps I can take to bring those things into my life. It is not necessary to force a clarity I do not have for myself. Maybe instead of trying to figure out big things I want, I can ask myself, “What do I want less of?” or “What helps me feel a little better about myself?” By starting with these less intimidating questions, I can get a picture of what I want for myself.
It is also important to be gentle with myself as I figure out what I want. I might ask myself what I would want if depression and anxiety were not a factor. Then I can look at ways to bring that into my life in small steps. I can take time to listen to the thoughts going through my head and try to identify common themes. This can give an indication of what is important to me and allow me to start setting goals.
An example of something I know I want more of in my life is writing. I want time to really express myself through the written word. I would like to focus on the book I am currently writing. I would like this to be the year I finish the book. Also, I want that book to positively impact others and bring hope to people living with mental or physical illness, especially cancer. So, how do I manifest this and the other wants I identify?
Manifesting wants is not magical thinking. It is more like setting goals in a gentle, grounded way. It should be pressure free. As you consider how you will manifest your wants try redefining manifesting as direction, not control. Do not get trapped in the idea that manifesting a want or goal means you must make it happen. Instead, think of it as setting an intention and then taking small steps when you can. This is important for those of us with mental illness because it is easy to get overwhelmed when we have setbacks. So, taking smaller steps makes the process of manifesting a want more attainable.
We can break our intentions into very small actions. Instead of trying to manifest something big, it is helpful to focus on small actions like what you will do for five minutes each day. It might be something as simple as “I will say one positive thing to myself today.” This can build confidence and lead to taking more small action steps.
Visualization can help. Try imaging yourself coping rather than being perfect. Visualize what it looks like to be supported in pursuing your wants. If visualization makes you more anxious, do not force yourself to visualize your wants becoming reality. Instead, focus on the small steps. What can you do in the next moment to feel good about yourself?
Manifesting our wants and goals does not need to be something we do on our own. When we live with mental illness, support is a major part of our lives. We can discuss what we want to manifest with our mental health providers. They can provide guidance and encouragement. We can also share our wants with people we trust and allow them to give us ideas for making our wants become reality. We do not need to face things on our own. Isolating ourselves is common for those of us with mental illness. So, maybe one of our wants can be to isolate less and reach out more.
As we decide what we want to manifest in our lives as the new year begins, it is important to think about how we will measure success. For example, success might be trying again after a rough day. It might be getting back up after feeling down or not meeting a small goal we have set for the day. Success might mean saying “no” to things that do not feel right to us or things that do not improve our mental health.
Another important part of manifesting our wants is staying curious instead of giving up. This can be a hard one, but it is important. I am reading “Beyond Anxiety” by Martha Beck. She discusses staying curious and trying to be creative. We can look at our lives as dark places or we can ask ourselves, “What if?” Perhaps by asking this question we can become more willing to take risks that will lead us toward making our wants a reality. This requires us to be patient, flexible, and caring with ourselves. Curiosity can help us identify new things that can make us feel good about ourselves. It can lead to new ideas. By being curious we open ourselves to a whole new world. That might allow us to pursue our wants and manifest those wants.
The new year both scares and intrigues me. I do not know what the year will hold for me. I know that in the coming days I will be thinking about what I want. I will try to allow my curiosity to guide me. That will allow me to figure out the small steps I need to take to make my book become a reality. It will allow me to set other goals. Maybe travel is in my future. Maybe I will find ways to not be as alone. I may find that my past life choices were not as bad as I think they were. Those choices created the present me. Just maybe the future me needed those choices to manifest what is to come in 2026 and beyond.
My wish for everyone reading this is that you discover what you want in life and that you can take the small steps necessary to manifest those wants. And if there are setbacks, I wish you the strength and grace to know that those setbacks are okay. You are still worthy, and you will find your way to attaining your wants.
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