Different Sides of Depression

            Often depression is described as low mood, sadness, being down, darkness, or low affect.  Those are all part of it, but there are other aspects of depression, too.  One I struggle with is irritability.  Sometimes when my mood is very low, the heaviness and darkness I feel transitions into irritability.  My mood continues to drop, but I also feel very agitated.  Little things set off negative thoughts in my head.  I feel a sense of anger building in me.  At these times I don’t want to be around anyone.  I fear I will be set off by something inconsequential.  I fear my anger will show at times it normally wouldn’t.

For me the low mood starts first.  Sometimes I feel really drained before the irritability starts.  The irritability courses through me. It is as if I can physically feel it. It is like a fire rising inside of me.  I feel it crawling through me.  I want it to stop, but I find it difficult to relax.  My thoughts are all negative.  I hear the voice in my mind saying that everything is too much.  At these times I want to escape the situation.

Unfortunately, that need to escape sometimes manifests in suicidal thoughts.  Those thoughts make the situation worse.  I know that I won’t make an attempt on my life.  Cancer has taught me to value the time I have.  Still, the thoughts are there.  It is in these moments that I need to write.  I try to let the thoughts pour out of my pen.  For me the problem is if I don’t start writing soon enough.  If the depression and irritability build, I struggle to ease their effects on me. At these moments crawling into bed is often my only option.  It is hard to talk to others about the way I feel.  That leaves me feeling isolated.  Depression is an isolating illness.  It has left me on the outside looking in most of my life.

I imagine others who are diagnosed with depression experience similar feelings.  There is nothing neat and orderly about depression.  We all have our own unique experiences with this illness.  At the same time, we are bonded by the manifestations of depression we experience.  Some days depression looks different than other days.  Some days my depression is low mood.  Other days, it is a discouraged outlook on life. It is still depression.  No matter how it manifests, depression is still a painful illness.  

Support groups can help ease the isolation that depression causes.  NAMI offers support groups and peer classes.  There are other places to find support groups.  You can try asking a therapist or inquiring at your local hospital.  Right now, I am not in a mental health support group.  I am attending a cancer support group.  That is what I need at this point, but I plan to go back to a depression support group.  I know it will help me.  I encourage anyone struggling with the effects of depression, however they manifest for you, to join a support group. 

 

Here is a link to NAMI to begin your search: 

https://www.nami.org/Home

A Look at Myself

            I don’t know what I want to write about today.  One thing that has been on my mind is an incident that happened the other day.  As most of you know, I am bald because of chemotherapy.  I wear a hat when I am out in public.  As I was standing in line at a restaurant a young man reached in front of me and said, “Excuse me, sir.”  He called me sir.  I know I am bald, but I don’t think I look like a man.  I realize I don’t have the figure I once had due to a breast reduction, but I thought I still looked like a woman.  I wanted to respond.  I wanted to say, “I’m not a dude.  I have cancer.” Instead, I stood there quietly and looked away.  The word “sir” hurt.  I know I shouldn’t let it.  The young man didn’t mean anything by it. At least he was polite.  A lot of people don’t say “excuse me” anymore.  

            Cancer has changed my perspective on life.  It has made me value the time I do have.  Cancer has made me want to fight to live.  Through my diagnosis and treatment, I have found a fight in me that I didn’t know existed.  Cancer has changed me physically.  I am weak.  I can’t walk very far without getting fatigued.  It has left me with discolored skin.  I am now bald.  It’s this last piece that has me looking like a man.  Until this incident I thought I was okay with my hair loss.  Now, I wonder if I should get a wig.  When I lost my hair, I made the decision not to get a wig.  I told myself that even without hair I am still me.  I am the same person I was with hair.  Well, I am still a woman.  

            This young man had no idea how much his words impacted me.  My cousin, Sara, and my friend, Maria, encouraged me when I told them what had happened.  They helped me focus on the fact that it was just an unobservant person trying to be polite.  They told me I look fine.  I am trying to believe them.  

            As I write this, my nose has begun to bleed.  Another reminder of the cancer.  Will it ever stop?  Will the reminders always be there?  

I cleaned up the blood and returned to my computer screen.  Still, it is annoying.  Cancer has changed me in more ways than I want to admit.  Yes, it has changed my perspective on life.  I value my life more.  Unfortunately, I also have more fears.  Every pain I feel makes me question if it is cancer.  My mind is consumed by the thought that someday the cancer will take my life.  I am waiting on blood work results.  My mind is telling me that the results haven’t come back yet because it is bad news.  I know that is ridiculous.  It probably just takes time to get the results.  Yet, my mind seizes every opportunity to think the worst.  Some of it is my anxiety disorder.  I am aware of that.  Cancer just added another layer to my anxiety.

            I know I should call about the results, but my mind is debating that.  If I don’t call, I won’t receive bad news.  On the other hand, if do call I might find relief.  What do I do?  I sit here unsure of my next step.  I write about it.  Get it all out on the page.  As I mentioned in my last post, writing is healing for me.  I am not sure if what I am writing now is healing or if it is just distracting me.  

            Cancer has changed me in good ways and bad ways.  I need to work on coping with all the changes.  That is why I attend a support group.  It is why I have a mental health team.  It is why I lean on family and friends.  I can’t do this alone.  Fighting illness requires a team approach.

 

The Healing Power of Writing

            Recently, I was scrolling social media. A quote on Sandra Marinella’s (author of The Story You Need to Tell) struck me.  I paused and took the quote in, reflected on it.  “Writing was there to listen when no one would seem to understand what you were going through.” The quote is from Frederick Espiritu.  I instantly related to the quote.  Writing has been there for me for as long as I can remember.  It has been a healing salve for me since I was in my early teens. 

            What is it about writing that is so healing?  I am not sure I can give an explanation that does justice to the healing power of writing in my life.  I started writing poetry when depression emerged in my life.  I wrote constantly, filling red spiral notebooks with the darkness that resided in my mind.  The poems expressed the depression that was unnamed at the time.  I wouldn’t understand until decades later, but my writing was serving as a sort of therapy for me.  It was allowing me to express the darkness depression caused me to feel.  In those early years I was not diagnosed and the effects of my mood on my life were ignored by people, such as teachers and school counselors who should have addressed it.  Lacking intervention, I turned to my writing.  My notebooks listened.  They took in every word.  

            I continued writing into adulthood.  I have never stopped writing.  It has been the most constant coping strategy in my life.  About ten years ago, after years and years of writing, I shared some of my poems with my psychologist, Dr. Klein.  He understood.  He recognized that the writing was serving as a quasi-therapy for me.  Writing allowed me to express so much of what was stuck in my head because of my depression.  Dr. Klein read my poems.  We talked about them.  My writing provided more insight into what I was going through than I could express in discussion.  We often used my poems to start discussions.  It made talking easier for me.  Dr. Klein encouraged me to keep writing.  That advice has carried me over the years.  

            My journals are always by my side.  They give me a sense of security and a place to express the torment of the depression and anxiety that so often rule my life.  I don’t know the science behind how writing works, although I am interested in learning about it.  I just know writing works for me.  I believe it can work for others.  I have given a few talks on the healing power of writing.  They have been successful.  When a person is given a conduit to healing there is a release.  The conduit for me is writing. I believe in its power, but there are other conduits.  Art, music, and exercise are examples.

            Writing allows me to let the thoughts and emotions that fill my head flow out of me.  These thoughts often become trapped in my head.  They drag me down.  At times when my depression is in control, the thoughts that fill my head need an escape route.  Writing provides that route for me.  In the early years my writing took the form of poetry.  I have evolved.  I still write poems, but I also journal.  I write this blog.  I have dabbled with fiction writing.  Poetry and journaling seem to be the most effective for me. The thoughts that I struggled to process when they are stuck in my head become concrete on the page once written.  I can read those words and better understand them.  I can share my written word with my mental health team.  This allows them to gain a different understanding of what I am going through.  With depression it is often hard to verbalize out loud what I am feeling or thinking.  When I write, those feelings and thoughts flow differently.  They take on life and make more sense. 

            I believe writing has been a gift in my life.  I honestly believe that I would not have made it to this point in my life without writing.  At the times when I can speak to someone on my mental health team, writing is there.  My journal takes in my pain.  It holds it when I am unable to carry the pain.

            When I was diagnosed with cancer last summer, I turned to writing.  It seemed like an obvious thing to do. Writing helped me through depression. I had to trust that it would help me through cancer.  Since my diagnosis, I have written more pages than I can count.  Journal entries, poems, and blog posts have been abundant.  They have carried me in my weakest moments.  I wrote as chemo drugs were dripping into my body.  I wrote as nausea roiled through me.  Fatigued, but unable to sleep, I wrote.  Just as with the depression, writing helped me cope with the cancer.  I have written some of my best poems hooked up to IVs.  Writing gave me the hope I need to fight cancer.  

            Writing is always there for me.  It is my most faithful companion.  It is an elixir that has always brought me healing.  By no means am I suggesting that writing is a cure for depression or cancer.  Medical treatment is necessary.  Writing helps, though.  It makes the road easier to travel.  It takes on the darkness of my mood and the pain and fear of cancer.  Writing gives depression and cancer a holding place.  This allows me to face them head on.  I don’t have experience with other illnesses, but my guess is that writing can ease the suffering of other illnesses.  I have found that writing understands.  It knows my pain and is willing to hold it for me.  Writing listens when no one else understands.  I can’t ask for anymore.  

Mental Illness and Primary Care

      What happens when we deny our mental illness? The other day I had a conversation with my primary care provider, Cristina, that caused me to think about this. I always think about people with depression as not being listened to or taken seriously. Talking to Cristina I realized that the opposite could happen. A primary care provider can recognize the signs of depression and be met by resistance from the patient. What happens in that situation? It is not like the provider can use bloodwork or scans to show the patient that the depression exists. 

So, why would a person not want to hear that he or she has depression. The first thing that comes to my mind is stigma. Society doesn’t exactly make it easy to accept a mental health diagnosis. Often, we are taught to hide our emotions or tough it out. Mental illness is often joked about. People use mental health diagnoses in the wrong context. For example, someone who likes things neat and orderly might say they have OCD. That’s not OCD. I have a friend who suffers with OCD. I have seen her struggle. Believe me OCD is not just wanting things clean. It is much more involved and debilitating.  Unfortunately, it is a common perception in society that people with OCD are neat freaks. 

Likewise, depression is not just being sad. As I’ve discussed many times on this blog, depression is much more than being sad. There is a sense of hopelessness.  Often, people with depression fight a desire to escape life.  Depression is so much more than a passing sadness. I recently heard someone say, “I am so depressed. My favorite restaurant is closing.”  Trust me. That is not depression.  Depression is all-encompassing.  It affects every aspect of a person’s life. The word depression is used too casually, and it leads to a lack of understanding.  

Unfortunately, mental illnesses are often trivialized and misunderstood. It makes sense that some people would resist a mental health diagnosis. Who wants to be labeled with an illness that is misunderstood and even mocked?

Back to the primary care provider. They are often the first health care provider to recognize a mental illness. I don’t know the statistics, but I have read that primary care providers prescribe a significant amount of anti-depressant medications that are prescribed in the United States.  I am not an expert.  So, I don’t want to cite numbers or pass judgement on this.  However, it seems to me that if primary care providers are that involved in treating mental illness, we need to give them more education and support.   

How do primary care providers assist their patients in navigating their illness?  They are important in recognizing the signs of a mental illness.  Often, they use a paper and pencil screening tool to gauge how their patients are doing mentally.  They pick up on signs by talking to their patients.  Symptoms of depression sometimes surface as physical complaints.  These can include aches and pains, fatigue, sleep disturbances, gastrointestinal issues, and changes in appetite to name a few.  An astute primary care provider will investigate mental health causes along with looking at physical reasons for the symptoms.  This provider treats the whole patient.  He or she understands that there are many facets to a patient’s health.

Often, when a person is depressed, he or she feels alone. There is a darkness surrounding them. Life may seem hopeless. It is hard to talk about these feelings with others. You believe you are alone and that no one else understands. Reaching out for help is difficult, sometimes impossible. Add to this being aware of the stigma surrounding depression. It is possible for a person to go into denial and refuse to acknowledge the depression is impacting him or her. When someone else brings it up, even a primary care provider, different things can happen. The person may experience a sense of relief that there is a reason for how he or she is feeling. This is the person who will accept the diagnosis. He or she is more likely to accept therapy and/or medication. On the other hand, the person may go into denial. He or she knows something is not right but doesn’t believe it can be depression. This is the person who refuses therapy and medication. 

A doctor can’t force treatment on a person.  The patient in denial is likely to continue struggling. This is a tragic in a time when there are so many treatments for depression such as therapy, support groups, medication, TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), and ketamine. The provider can encourage the patient to accept treatment, but the patient needs to be willing to accept that treatment.  I would imagine it would be frustrating for the provider to recognize a mental illness, such as depression, and not be able to provide treatment.  

I believe we need to have more conversations about mental health.  Being open and honest about mental health is the only way we are going address this issue.  The stigma surrounding mental health needs to be significantly reduced.  Doctors, physician’s assistants, and nurse practitioners need to be able to address mental health openly.  This will allow them to start treatment and refer people to specialists.  People with mental illness deserve to be treated by psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists.  The primary care provider is the link to these specialists.  That is why their role is so important. 

When a patient refuses to accept a mental health diagnosis he or she is refusing the treatment that can help.  I know from a lifetime of experience that treatment is vital to living with depression and anxiety.  The same is true of any mental health disorder. As a society we need to work to give primary care providers the education and support they need to address mental health issues.  We need to spread awareness of mental illness.  Hopefully, this will help people be more open to accepting a mental health diagnosis.  Supporting organizations like NAMI, (National Alliance on Mental Illness) is an important way to spread awareness and eliminate stigma.  

Continue following my blog.  I hope to address this issue in more depth in future posts.  

 

 

 

 

 

Turning Hurtful Words into Healing

           I am very open about my mental health, but I wasn’t always this open.  I used to hide my mental illness in shame.  I didn’t think others would understand. It took hurtful words from a health care provider to make me realize that I shouldn’t be ashamed of my mental illness.  In fact, my experience with this health care provider made me realize that it was time for me to use my voice to help myself and others who struggle with mental illness. 

            The story of how this health care provider hurt me is in my memoir, “Traveling the Healing Journey: Finding the Light in Mental Illness”.  I am going to share it here, too, because it was an instrumental event in my journey.  In my book I refer to this health care provider as E.  I will do so here as well.  I could use her name, but in my heart, I have forgiven her.  Actually, as you will see, I may owe her a debt of gratitude.  

            In 2017 I had to change primary care providers.  The one I had been comfortable with left the clinic I was going to.  Before she left, she recommended that I see E for my health care needs.  She told me that I could trust her and that she was a good provider.  I was hesitant, but I made the change.  The first visit I had with her was okay, uneventful.  It was the next time I saw her that I had a terrible experience.

            I saw E for my yearly physical.  I always get a little anxious when I have medical appointments, but I was doing fairly well when I went into the exam room.  The appointment started okay.  There is a part of the annual physical exam that I have never been able to have completed because of my anxiety, but providers have always tried.  Usually, I would take something to relax me before starting and the provider would do their best to calmly talk me through it.  I was never able to get through that part of the exam, but no harm was ever done.  The provider just moved on to the next part.  When it came time for that part of the exam E read my records and said she wouldn’t do it.  She said I had to go somewhere else for it.  I tried to tell her I wanted her to do it and that I had already taken medicine to get me through it.  She looked straight at me and said, “No.  You are a liability.” I couldn’t understand what she had said.  Why was she calling me a liability?  I felt like there was something wrong with me.  She was blaming me for something that was caused by my anxiety.  I froze.  I didn’t know what to say.  I know I had tears in my eyes, but she just ignored me.  She moved on to the next part of the exam.

            She told me to lie down so she could examine my breasts.  In my head thoughts were swirling.  What was wrong with me? Why can’t I be like other women?  Then I realized she was about to touch me.  Knowing I often get jumpy when I am touched, I wanted to warn her so she wouldn’t think she was hurting me.  I said, “Sometimes I jump when I am touched, but it doesn’t hurt.”  E looked at me and said in a way that sounded very sarcastic to me, “I can’t examine you, if I can’t touch you.” I wanted to run out of the exam room.  I needed to get away, but I was trapped. Somehow, I managed to let her finish the exam.  I couldn’t get to my car fast enough.  Once safely away from her and in my car, I broke down in tears.  

            Was my anxiety my fault?  Depression and anxiety have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.  No health care provider had ever made an issue about the way E had.  I couldn’t get her words out of my head.  “You are a liability,” kept echoing in my mind. 

            As soon as I talked to my psychologist, Dr. Klein, I told him what happened.  I cried as I told him.  It was obvious how much those words had hurt me.  He tried to reassure me that I was not a liability, and that E was wrong for saying it.  I just couldn’t get those words out of my head.  It took two weeks for Dr. Klein to convince me to speak up.  I had received one of those feedback emails from E’s office.  I wrote that I had a really bad experience and that I was never going back.  I didn’t explain what had happened.  I just said I was never going back because of my last appointment.  

The next day I received a call from a woman in the office.  I don’t remember her name or title.  She asked me why I didn’t want to go back.  I told her what E had said and that it was very hurtful.  She apologized.  She said it sounded like an issue of poor word choice.  At that time, I wasn’t at a point where I could explain how E had hurt me and how it was issue of her mistreating me because of my mental illness, not just poor word choice. The woman was kind.  She told me that she would like me to continue going to this office and that I could see someone else moving forward.  I was hesitant.  She recommended a physician’s assistant, named Greta.  She promised me that Greta was different.  She said she was kind and understanding and assured me that I would like her.  I was overwhelmed with the whole situation and really didn’t want to go through the process of finding a new primary care provider.  So, I agreed.  The woman told me she would tell the doctor in charge about my experience.  

I never received an apology from E.  I never saw her again.  There was no acknowledgement of how she had hurt me because of my mental illness.  Soon my hurt turned to anger.  I spent a lot of time discussing my feelings surrounding this incident with Dr. Klein.  I didn’t understand how it was okay for a health care provider to not only dismiss my mental illness but insult me over it.  E made it seem like my anxiety was my fault.  I wondered how many other people she had done that to.  Was it common for her to be flippant with patients with mental illness or was I her only target?  I started thinking more about the effect her words had on me.  With Dr. Klein’s help I realized I hadn’t done anything wrong.  My anxiety wasn’t my fault.  I have an illness and a primary care provider should be understanding of mental illness. 

It is at this point that I realized I couldn’t sit back and allow myself to be treated that way.  I had to stand up for myself.  This experience led me into mental health advocacy.  I finally understood that I had a voice, and I could use it to stand up for myself and others with mental illness.  I began looking for mental health organizations.  My writing became focused on mental illness.  I stopped hiding my depression and anxiety.  I began speaking about mental illness. I learned to tell my story and looked for opportunities to share it.

Hurtful words led me into mental health advocacy.  For that I am grateful.  The work I have been able to do since that day allows me to forgive E.  I will never forget, but I have forgiven.  Her words echo in my head like a rallying cry urging me to use my voice to fight the stigma surrounding mental illness.

The primary care providers I have had since that terrible experience, Greta and Cristina, have shown me that not only can a primary care provider understand the needs of a patient with mental illness, but they also need to be able to understand.  I am grateful that I found providers who care and understand.  

I hope through my advocacy work more health care providers learn about mental illness and how to treat patients.  Mental illness is an illness.  It is no more the patient’s fault than a cancer diagnosis.  My goal is to use my experience to educate others.  I want my experience to serve a purpose.  If you are health care provider, I urge you to learn more about mental illness and how to understand your patients.  If you have a mental illness, I urge you to remember that you have an illness and you do not need to be ashamed of it.  

Sometimes I think I would like the opportunity to speak to E.  I know it has been several years and she likely doesn’t remember her hurtful words.  I would just like to explain how she hurt me and let her know that those words changed me.  Her hurtful words led me into mental health advocacy.  I now have a voice that I will continue to use to help myself and others.  Fortunately, her hurtful words led to good.  So, if you’re out there, E, thank you for giving me a reason to find my voice.

 

            

Being Present

           I am not feeling well.  My mood has dropped.  Since writing is healing for me, I decided to try writing a post.  Maybe it will lift my mood.  At the very least it will occupy my mind and hush the voice of depression for a bit.

            Sometimes I am asked how to help someone who is struggling with depression.  That question has several answers.  It really depends on the individual.  I will share one way others have helped me.  

            One thing I have found others can do to be helpful when I am struggling to just be present.  I don’t need someone to give me advice or to tell me I am okay.  That actually doesn’t help because depression causes my mind to argue with those sentiments.  What helps me the most is when someone just sits with me and is present.  They don’t really have to say anything in particular.  Just knowing I am not alone is helpful.  

            What does being present mean?  It is simple really.  Maybe we just sit in the same space and watch a television show or listen to music.  It can be doing a craft together.  Being preset might be taking a walk with me.  Words don’t need to be exchanged.  Just knowing someone cares enough to be with me is often enough.  It doesn’t make the depression go away, but it tames it a bit.  

            It can even be a chat on the phone about something totally different than my depression.  The conversation serves as a distraction.  It won’t make the depression go away, but it will temporarily distract my thoughts.  Text messages can also serve this purpose.  

            For me having someone be present doesn’t always require a person.  This may sound strange, but sometimes when I need someone to be present, I turn on “The Big Bang Theory”.  I know it is just a television show.  I have watched it so many times that the characters seem like friends to me.  I can escape into their world.  Yes, they are just fictional characters, but when I am looking for the presence of others, often these characters on the television screen are a substitute for real people.  They don’t require me to respond.  They distract me and help me think about something other than what the depression is saying.

            I don’t mean to say that a television show can replace human contact.  It can’t. I do, however, think fictional characters can serve as a substitute at times.  Some people find this substitute through television shows or movies.  Others find it in a book. What is needed is that sense that you are not alone. 

            Depression is often a very lonely illness.  It is difficult to reach out.  If you know someone who struggles with depression, I encourage you to try just being present with them.  When they are doing better, ask them what they find helpful.  Don’t be afraid to have that conversation.  Many of us with depression are so used to people not acknowledging our depression that we are hesitant to tell others what helps us.  We have learned not to talk about our depression.  Be the loved one or friend who changes that.  Start the conversation.  

            If you are struggling with depression, try taking the risk to tell someone what they can do to help you.  It is scary.  I definitely understand that.  It took me decades to be able to reach out.  If you can, start by role playing it with your therapist or in a support group.  Reaching out is not easy, but asking someone to be present can make a difference.  Set an intention for yourself.  It could be that you are going to reach out to one person and share one aspect of your depression.  Reaching out happens when we take small steps.  It doesn’t have to happen all at once.  Choose who you reach out.  Explain to them what you need.  If just being present is what you need, let someone try to be present for you.  

            I know that I need to improve the way I let others be present for me.  It is a work in progress.  As I have stated in previous posts, my intention for 2024 is to allow myself to heal both physically and mentally.  Letting others be present for me is part of that.  So, I will work on it, and I encourage others to work on it as well. 

 

Getting on Top of Your Mental Health in the New Year

            My intention for 2024 is to allow myself to heal both mentally and physically.  Now, I need to figure out a plan to do that.  In this post I will focus on what I can do to heal my mental health.  It is extremely important for me to do this as my depression has gained a grip on me again.  You might wonder how I am able to write this if I am struggling with depression.  I think it is because writing has always been so healing for me.  I turn to writing when I am struggling.  It has always reached back and helped me. With this in mind, I will turn to writing more in 2024.  I will pick up my pen more often.  I will allow the words to flow out of me and in doing so help me manage my depression.

            What else can be done to allow me or anyone to heal mentally?  One thing I can do is acknowledge when I am not doing well.  I can reach out for help.  This is not easy.  When depression is in control I often want to hide beneath my blanket and shut out the world.  I have learned that this is not the way to heal.  Reaching out to someone who can help is an important and necessary step.  It is okay to need help and it is okay to reach out for help.  It is in the acknowledgment that I cannot get through the depression alone that I am able to accept help.  We go to the doctor when we have a physical illness.  It is important for us to do the same with mental illness.  So, in 2024 I will acknowledge when I am not doing well, and I will reach out for help.  I hope you will, too.

            Exercise can help with mental illness.  Going for a walk, even if it is a short one, can help relieve depression.  Right now, I can only walk short distances and maybe do a little stretching because of my physical illness.  Still, I need to make the effort.  My psychologist always encourages me to exercise, to go for a walk.  By doing that I can work on my mental health.  I was thinking about trying chair yoga.  It sounds like something I can handle physically.  I have read about the benefits of yoga.  Maybe this would be a good exercise for me.  It might help you, too.

            Another way I can work on healing my depression is through creativity.  In recent years I have discovered that I enjoy being creative.  Of course, writing is my go-to creative activity, but I have found other activities, too. I enjoy painting, especially paint pouring.  It isn’t difficult and I am often surprised by the outcome of my artistic attempts.  I find myself giving my artistic efforts as gifts.  It makes me feel good to create and share with others.  Sometimes it is difficult to get started.  The depression tells me to just lie in bed and ignore the world.  At those times I need to force myself to be creative.  Once I start creating, I slowly start to feel better.  So, I’ll keep painting.  I actually have an idea for a painting that I would like to turn into the cover art of my next book.  It will take some practice to get it the way I want it to look, but there is healing in the efforts.  

            Being consistent with my therapy and talking to my mental health team honestly and openly is a part of healing.  For the last 20 + years I have been consistent with therapy with my psychologist and seeing my psychiatrist.  I think this is an important part of healing from mental illness.  You may be thinking, “20 years? Why aren’t you better?”  I am better at times.  Depression is a lifetime illness.  It doesn’t have a magical cure.  I need to continue to battle it just like I must continue to battle cancer.  It is in staying on top of my depression through therapy that I continue to heal.  

            Being open about my depression is another way to heal.  There is no shame in mental illness.  It is an illness. That is why I talk about depression.  Hiding it only makes it worse.  There is nothing to hide.  It is not my fault that I suffer from depression any more than having cancer is my fault.  Being open about depression helps to heal it because in talking about it, I am de-stigmatizing it.  For so long, society has viewed mental illness as something to be ashamed of having.  Thankfully, there are more people talking about mental illness now.  It is becoming normalized in the sense that people are not hiding it.  Organizations like NAMI are leading the way in de-stigmatizing mental illness.  I do my part by talking and writing about my mental illness.  I will continue to do so this year.  

            When planning on healing depression anything that makes you feel good about yourself is beneficial.  The activities I have listed help me.  Everyone has their own go-to for healing.  Other things I have found helpful include listening to music and watching The Big Bang Theory.  I encourage you to find your thing.  Start small.  Healing depression is not an overnight thing.  We need to be patient.  It is important to understand that there will be good moments and bad moments.  Notice I said moments and not days.  I think it is important to break time down into moments.  They are more manageable.  You may have a rough morning, but if you try one of your healing strategies the afternoon might be better.  Allow yourself the time and space to discover what works for you.  Don’t force it.  If you aren’t sure what you want to try, discuss it with someone.  If you aren’t sure who to discuss it with, try posting a comment in the comment section here.  I’ll respond and maybe others will respond.  I don’t have all the answers, but it is a start.  One moment at a time we can all finding some healing.  Spend some time thinking about what you want to try and then go for it.

            May 2024 be the year we all find some healing.

                                        One of my recent paint pours.

            

Welcoming 2024

           I do not believe in making New Year’s Resolutions.  Every time I have tried to make one, I have fallen short.  I think it is better to set an intention for the new year.  My intention for 2024 is to allow myself to heal both mentally and physically.  I have a lot of healing to do.  2023 took its toll on me.  Depression and anxiety ruled a lot of the year.  Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer took control of the rest.  It has been a journey to say the least.  Battling two illnesses at the same time forced me to fight.  It required me to reflect on a lot.  It has changed me.  

            As 2024 starts I am still battling two illnesses, but overall, I am in a good place.  Chemo worked and I was able to stop chemo.  I am still receiving treatment.  It is targeted treatment.  My understanding is that it is intended to keep the cancer cells from replicating.  This treatment is easier on me than the chemo.  I am grateful for that.  

My mental health has taken a dip recently.  I am hoping to get that healed. I will discuss TMS treatment with my team and hope that I can physically handle going every day.  My mental health team will be there for me and help me through it.  I trust that they will get me back to a better place. 

            As you can see, I am still healing.  That is why my intention for 2024 is to allow myself to heal.  One thing I learned in 2023 is that I cannot do it on my own.  I must be willing to reach out for help.  I have a great team.  My mental health team, my oncology team, and my primary, who is basically part of both teams, have been there for me.  I trust that they will continue to be there.  I am grateful for all of them.  I know I am lucky to have them.  I am still fighting cancer and depression.  I will likely battle to some degree for the rest of my life.  

            In 2024 I am going to focus on my healing.  I am going to allow that focus to guide me to leading my best life.  For most of my life depression has controlled my thoughts.  It has told me that I didn’t want to live.  It told me that I deserved the unhappiness I felt.  It told me I was lost and alone.  Depression has been a powerful voice throughout my life.  Cancer barreled in and changed some of that.  It tried to take my life, but cancer didn’t win.  It made me reflect on my life.  Through that reflection I have learned that my life is worth living.  

I need to make some changes.  Those changes will hopefully lead to me finding joy in life.  Some of those changes are little, but some of them will be big.  The big changes will require me to trust myself.  I will likely lean on my support system at times in ways I have never done in the past.  There will be ups and downs.  I will continue to fight cancer and depression.  Some days will be harder than others.  That is okay.  I need to allow myself to have difficult times.  It is a part of life.  

By setting the intention to allow myself to heal I am giving myself permission to do the things I need to do to be healthy in all aspects of my life.  I must fight the depression and the cancer.  I also need to focus on finding joy in life.  I have been granted another chance at life.  I want to make the most of that in 2024.  I will do what brings me joy. I will also accept that some days I will not be okay.  That is okay.  It is a part of life.  Acceptance of the rough days is a part of the healing process.  I have really come to understand that this past year.  It has been a difficult lesson.  Healing takes effort.  It also requires a person to accept help.  We need to understand that it is okay to not be okay.  Once we accept that, we can reach out for help.  I have a lot of people helping me.  These people make a difference in my life.  There are people that can make a difference in each of our lives.  I hope that in 2024 more people reach out for help and more people reach out to help. 

Just because I am battling illnesses doesn’t mean I can’t help others.  That is the purpose of this blog.  I am hoping to encourage others by sharing my story.  I know that right now my audience is not as big as I would like it to be, but I need to trust that it will grow in time.  I do my best to publicize this blog and am grateful to those who help me spread the word.  This blog is part of my healing.  When I write I am empowered.  Writing has always given me strength.  So, in 2024 I will continue to write.  Hopefully, this blog will grow.  I want it to help others suffering from depression and cancer.  I don’t have all the answers.  I am learning each day.  I feel called to this work.  I know that for now it will have to happen with my blog.  I am not well enough yet to get out there and do more, but I am headed in that direction.  I hope to make it happen in 2024.  That Is part of my intention.  Helping others is a part of my healing.  

So, as we enter 2024, I am going to remain focused on healing both my mental and physical health. I don’t know what the year has in store for me.  The depression and cancer control a lot, but I will do my best to heal and make a difference for others.