What It Is Like to Live with Depression

                  I write a lot about depression. I have shared my story of a lifetime of depression and anxiety. I have shared healing tools and coping strategies. I have posted about alternative treatments for depression. I think I have covered a lot in the past year plus. One thing I don’t think I have done is provide a picture into what depression looks, feels, and sounds like. So, here goes.

                  As I have shared in the past depression started for me when I was 14 years old. That is over three decades ago. I have had more experiences with depression than I can count. There are many commonalities. However, depression can express itself differently at different times. What is common, at least for me, is the darkness. It seems like there is no way out of depression. When depression blankets me, I feel trapped. I can’t see the light of healing. 

                  I guess if I were to describe what depression looks like, I would say it looks like a dismal rainy day. No light peeks through the clouds. Everything is dark. That darkness can be viewed as a lack of hope. When depression has me in its grips, I don’t see anything except the depression. It is painful. Depression has varying degrees. I have experienced levels of depression in which I have wanted to end my life. Everything has seemed so hopeless that living didn’t seem worth it. I have also experienced levels of depression in which I can function. The darkness comes in varying shades. I don’t know if functional depression is the correct term for it, but there are times when I am depressed, but I can still function. I have been able to hold down a job despite my depression. It has never been easy, but I learned how to hold the darkness aside during the workday. That usually meant the evening would be rough, but I did it. You may be surprised at how many people function with depression. There have been other times when I have been unable to work due to my depression. Just like with any serious illness, I need care.

                  What does depression feel like? For me this varies. Sometimes it feels like I am consumed by lethargy. I don’t want to do anything. I have no motivation. Just getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle. At times it feels like I am stuck in vise grip. I feel like I am being suffocated. I can’t escape the depression. It is scary feeling. The stronger the grip of that vise, the more I want to end my life. Depression may be a mental illness, but the physical pain is real. 

                  Other people can’t hear depression, but it is loud in the minds of people with depression. I hear a negative dialogue running through my mind. It tells me many things that are simply not true. I hear depression tell me I am not worthy, not good enough. I hear it tell me life will never get better. I hear it tell me I am trapped. I hear it tell me that no one wants me around. At its worst I hear depression tell me I don’t want to live. What makes these messages even more painful is that I hear them in my own voice. It sounds as if it is me talking when really it is the illness. It is hard not to listen when the voice is your own.

                  From this description I think it is obvious how painful depression is. What people on the outside don’t understand is that depression is not a choice. It is an illness and must be accepted as an illness if it is to get better. I have learned through a lifetime of struggle that I have an illness. I am not my depression. Rather, depression is an illness that has attacked me. I don’t like being depressed. I would do anything to be done with it. 

                  There are treatments that ease the depression. There are times when I feel better because of those treatments. Right now, I am going through esketamine treatment. It is helping, but it takes time. I must trust that the esketamine will lift the depression. I can’t rush it. Treatment needs to run its course. At some point my days will be easier. They are already starting to be. 

                  You may ask how I am able to write this blog when I am depressed. That is a good question. I think I have lived with depression for so long that I have learned coping skills that allow me to function most of the time. There are still times when I can’t function. During those times I need to allow myself the space to heal. There are times when I am away from this computer keyboard that the thoughts are too much for me to handle. I know I need to reach out during those times. Tuesday is an example. I reached out to a member of my team because my head was in a bad place. A few words from that member of my team and some writing about those words on my part helped me. Everyone with depression is different. We all need to figure out what we need to do for ourselves when times get difficult. If we are lucky, we find those ways and are able to use them. 

                  Depression is an ugly illness. We need to learn to fight it. Fighting depression includes accepting help. We shouldn’t expect ourselves to go it alone. I have two illnesses. I am also fighting cancer. I would never be able to fight my cancer on my own. The same is true of depression. I should never expect myself to fight depression alone. No one should fight depression alone.

 

 

                  For more on esketamine treatment, read these earlier blog posts: 

Gardening the Mind: Esketamine Treatment by Stephanie Debnath, PMHNP or one from my perspective: Fertilization and Purple Lights: Esketamine Treatment