Seeing Our Own Beauty

                 I was sitting outside the other day. A beautiful butterfly landed nearby. The rich colors in its wings reminded me of jewels. Did you know that butterflies cannot see their own wings? These small creatures cannot see the part of them that is filled with beauty. How sad is that? We can watch them flutter by us and breathe in their beauty, but they have no idea how their colors brighten the world around them.

                  Thinking about the beauty in butterfly wings started me thinking about what we do not see when we live with depression. We are like butterflies. Depression darkness our world. It shades how we perceive ourselves. As a result, we do not see the beauty in ourselves. I am not talking about our appearance. Although, each of us has beauty in our own appearance even if the mirror tells us otherwise. I am referring to the beauty in who we are as individuals. 

                  Depression prevents us from seeing positives in all areas of life. This is evident in how we look down upon ourselves. We see what depression wants us to see. We do not see the beauty, the positives in our lives. For example, I often see myself as unworthy of love. Depression has kept me alone for so long that I do not see myself as someone who can be loved by another person. I am blinded to that aspect of myself. 

                  Just like the butterfly misses out on the beauty of its colorful wings, when we cannot see our true selves, we miss out on what others see. We miss out on seeing our true selves.  This is one of the difficult aspects of depression. It impacts our ability to see the goodness in ourselves. We only see the darkness; the faults depression wants us to see. 

                  The butterfly knows nothing of its beauty, but I think we can all agree that butterflies possess beauty. Shouldn’t the same be true of ourselves? Even though we cannot perceive it, we possess beauty. I would like to view myself as possessing inner beauty. Depression gets in the way. I have a lot of work to do to be able to perceive that beauty. I do, however, believe we all possess it. 

                  Even though we must each find our own beauty, we need reminders that we possess it. Perhaps the butterfly can be a reminder. When you see a butterfly pause for a moment to take in a deep breath and recognize beauty. Allow the butterfly’s beautiful wings to be a reminder that there is beauty within each of us. 

 

 

Describing Depression

"What is depression like? It's like drowning even though you know how to swim." - often attributed to Elizabeth Wurtzel

 

                  I have often been asked to describe depression. I write a lot about depression. This blog is just one place where I write about it. Poetry is the form I am most comfortable writing about depression. I also like to read how other people describe it. While I find that there is a commonality in how we describe depression, there is also a uniqueness to each of our descriptions. 

                  The image I use most often to describe depression is darkness. For me it is a heavy, blanketing darkness. It spreads over me erasing the light around me. This is how I experience depression. When I share my image, I usually hear from others that they can relate. That is reassuring in the sense that it means depression is real. I am not alone. Depression affects so many of us. 

                  Recently, I used the metaphors of a winding road and an uninvited guest to describe depression. These metaphors aptly describe depression for me. Whether it is darkness, a winding road, or an uninvited guest, these images share the idea that depression is not easy. I think being able to create metaphors or images to describe depression indicates that I have an understanding of what I live with. I may not fully understand depression, but by writing about it I am processing it. I am working with depression as I express how it feels.

                  Sometimes I search online for how others describe depression. The quote above is one that I connected with. Depression is like drowning. It seems like a similar feeling to being blanketed by darkness. Drowning even when you know how to swim indicates that you need more than the knowledge of swimming to survive the water. 

How does this relate to depression?  Many of us who live with depression know the coping skills to fight depression. We have used those skills. We know that we are not our depression. But there are times when that knowledge is not enough. Depression can be stronger than that knowledge just as a strong current can make swimming difficult. When depression is heavy, when it is bearing down on us, it can be difficult to cope with it. I think I have a solid understanding of how depression affects me, but there are still times when I need a “lifeguard” to help me navigate it. I can know what I need to do and at the same time I can be paralyzed by depression.  

However we describe depression, it is painful. Depression makes life difficult. Depression is an illness. We may each describe depression in our own way, but however we describe depression, it can be debilitating. Putting our depression into words gives us a power over it. Describing it allows us to look at it from the outside. It enables us to share with others what we are experiencing. I believe that the more we discuss it, the more likely we are to be able to process depression. Of course, there are going to be times when depression has the upper hand. Times when we need a lifeguard to help us through the depression. I will continue to write about my depression. I encourage others to describe depression in whatever way works for them. Our descriptions help us and may just help others. 

An Uninvited Guest

                  Almost 40 years ago depression entered my life. Depression was an unwanted guest. I did not ask for it to enter my life. I have asked it to leave more times than I can count. Unfortunately, unwanted guests don’t understand that their presence is not welcomed. This has required me to learn to live with depression. Not an easy task. While I have learned a lot about co-existing with depression’s presence, I still wish it would just take a hike.

                  As a teenager depression consumed most of my life. I did not know how to cope with its presence. This resulted in a struggle that threatened my life. I shouldn’t use the word struggle. I didn’t really fight back in those years. Depression blanketed me and I was consumed by its presence. Suicidal ideation because of depression was very real. Somehow, I survived those years. I was banged up, but I entered my adult years alive. 

                  Those years are long behind me. Depression is still an unwanted guest, but I have learned to let it know it is unwanted. I have learned to live with depression’s presence. This has not been an easy task. It has been hard, really hard. I would say I now have a healthier relationship with depression. I have learned to talk back to it and to give myself grace when depression is bearing down on me. 

                  One of the keys to living with depression is understanding that I am not my depression. It is a separate entity. I now understand that depression’s wants are not my wants. For example, when depression is telling me that I don’t want to live, I understand that depression doesn’t know that I value my life. I have worked to teach myself that life is worth living despite what depression says. So, I speak back to the depression. Sometimes I do this through self-talk. I tell depression to stop. Other times I write about the conflict that is building in my head between depression and me. With help I have created a plan for the times when depression is pushing suicidal thoughts on me. That plan has been one of the keys to improving my relationship with depression. It allows me to know what to say to depression and how to let it know that I want to live no matter how bad depression makes me feel. 

                  Therapy has helped me learn about my depression. Talking about it with someone who is outside of it, but who understands how depression works, allows me to gain a better perspective. It is work. Therapy is not a magic pill. You can’t just sit there and expect everything to change because you are in the room. Changing my relationship with depression through therapy has required me to listen to my therapist and to put the things we discuss into practice. 

I need to be open and honest in the therapy setting. Sometimes the things depression tells me are embarrassing and I wonder if I should share them with my mental health team. I have learned that there is no shame in having depression. My team cannot help me if I am not honest. I need to tell them when I am struggling with something. Having suicidal thoughts is not something to be embarrassed about. My relationship with depression has improved since I learned to be honest about what it is telling me. Chances are that I am not going to experience something that my team hasn’t heard in some form before. Depression feels like it is only affecting me, but in reality, there are many people who struggle with the depression. 

                  One of the harder lessons I have learned is that I need to let depressive episodes run their course. Sometimes the depression is going to be loud. It is going to break me down. What I need to remember is that I have been living with depression for almost 40 years. It hasn’t broken me completely yet. That shows that I possess a strength I do not always realize. So, when the depression gets heavy, I need to give myself grace. I need to step back and use my coping skills to get through it. Writing helps. Self-hypnosis and meditation help. Reaching out to one of my mental health team members helps. I now understand that at times I am going to be consumed by the depression. That knowledge doesn’t erase the depression, but it gives me grace to say, “This is the depression. It is not me.” 

                  My cancer diagnosis played a role in my ability to understand that depression is wrong when it tells me dying is the answer. Cancer threatened my life. In doing so, it awakened a realization that I want to live.  In a strange way cancer has helped me understand my depression more. It is definitely not something I expected when I first heard my diagnosis, but living with cancer has impacted how I cope with my depression. Don’t get me wrong, I wish I had never been diagnosed with cancer. I just recognize the role it has played in my relationship with depression.

                  My relationship with depression has evolved over time. Now, I understand that I am not my depression. Its voice is not my voice. I know that depression is an uninvited guest. It is a part of an illness that I have. It is not who I am. I can talk back to depression. I can reach out for help and do the work necessary to be better able to cope with depression. I didn’t ask for a relationship with depression, but I am doing what I need to do to improve the relationship. Depression now knows it is unwanted.

 

A Winding Road

                  Struggling with depression is difficult. I have been through a rough section of the road that is depression recently. Often during the last few weeks, I have found myself headed downhill. At times I have been stuck in the road. I have not known where to turn. The GPS in my head has been confused about which way to turn and how to find my way back to my baseline mood. This is depression.

                  I think a road is an apt description because with depression we are often in different places. The darkness feels different depending on our mental location. I have lived with this monster for almost 40 years now. Despite the length of time I have known depression, it still has the ability to sneak up on me and the ability to confuse me. At times I don’t know where the depression is taking me. I know I am in the darkness, and I still frequently find myself on unfamiliar roads. 

                  Right now I know I am headed towards healing, but still I struggle. It takes time and patience to get through a depressive episode. When I don’t know where to turn or where I am headed, I need maps. I need to be able to rely on an outside guide to lead me through darkened roads. Luckily, as I have mentioned many times, I have a mental health team to support me through the depression. They talk to me; give me advice. Their support provides a map to guide me on my road to healing. Even with their help, it takes time to maneuver along the winding road of depression. Despite this, a part of me knows I will make it. That is what keeps me going.

                  Depression is a road. We are never in one place for long. Our tires may get stuck in a muddy patch, but we eventually move on if we don’t give up. Sometimes we need a psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist to give us a push in the right direction. That is okay. It is the reason they are there for us. 

                  For me the last few weeks have been a struggle and there have been moments when I wondered if I would find the right road. I wondered if the depression was too much this time. Fortunately, I know from experience that I will get through these times. Actually, I’m not sure “fortunately” is the right word. I wish I had never been through those times, but they are my reality. I have gotten through them. I am still on the road. I am still traveling toward healing. The road of depression is difficult. It is part of an illness that tries to tear us down. I know I am not on the road I need to be on yet, but I am nearing it. With a little help, I will make the correct turn and head toward the light. My wish is that if you find yourself lost in depression that you will reach out to mental health care professionals and allow them to direct you onto the right road. 

 

Are We Alone?

                  “You are not alone. You are seen. I am with you. You are not alone.”

 — Shonda Rhimes

 

Depression is an ugly illness. I know this all too well. When depression wraps its blanketing arms around me, I feel isolated as if I am the only one who experiences this lonely illness. While I know I am not alone, it is difficult to escape the feeling that I am. It is necessary to remind myself that I have support. There are ways for me to reach out for help. 

It takes effort to build a support system. This is not an easy task when we are in the midst of a depressive episode. That is why it is important to lay the foundations of a support system when the depression is not crushing us. Family and friends can be the first layer of a support system. They may notice when we are struggling and offer support. At times they may not notice. It is then that we need to reach out. If we let them know that there are times when we need support and what that support looks like, they will be better able to support us when we are depressed. That support is going to look different for each one of us. Perhaps the support is being there to talk or go for a walk. It might be they need to provide a listening ear. Being able to provide that support cannot happen if they don’t know what we need. We don’t need to share what we need with all our friends and family. It is enough to have just a select few that we feel comfortable with talking about our depression.

What if we don’t have friends or family we can turn to. Some of us are alone or we don’t feel comfortable with the people in our life. This is where support groups can be of value. One group that supports people with depression and other mental illnesses is the 

NAMI Connections Support Group. You can find one in your area by clicking on the link. Support groups bring people with similar experiences together. Being able to speak with others who have had similar experiences is beneficial and can help you through difficult times.

                  If you have a mental health care provider, that person is another support who you can turn to when you need support. Personally, I would be lost without the mental health professionals I see. Talking to a mental health professional is an important aspect of dealing with depression and other mental illnesses. If you do not have access to one, I suggest you see your primary care provider and ask for a referral. There are even mental health providers online now. I have never used one of the online therapy services, but I would guess it would be helpful if you don’t have access to an in-person mental health provider. 

                  Another option is calling 988. You can call this line when you are in crisis as well as when you need someone to talk to. This hotline can provide someone to talk to as well as send crisis personnel if necessary.

                  The title of this post is “Are We Alone?” I think the answer to that question is that while it often feels like we are alone in our depression, we don’t need to be alone. It takes work. We need to communicate with those around us. They need to know how they can help us. We need to know who we can reach out to and where we can find support, whether that be a loved one, a professional, or a support organization. 

                  Depression wants to isolate us. It wants us to feel hopeless. That is part of the illness. It is trying to get us to give up. Our responsibility to remember that we do not need to be alone. Depression is painful. Reaching out is not going to magically make the depression disappear. What it will do is put us on the path to healing. If we are following that path, we are headed in the right direction. Overcoming depression is not easy. Depression is an illness. Treatment is required. Even when we are in treatment there are times when we need extra support. Remember that you can reach out. Depression doesn’t have to isolate us.

Living with Depression

                  My last post was short. It reflected how my mood had been affecting me. Depression is a difficult illness to live with. Sometimes the weight of depression weighs heavier than other times. Unfortunately, for the last couple of weeks that weight has been heavy on me. I try to fight through it, but sometimes depression just makes a person step away from what they may ordinarily be doing. 

                  I would like to say that I am back to my baseline mood, but I am not quite there yet. I am making progress, but I still feel some of depression’s weight. Over the years, actually decades, of living with depression I have learned that there are going to be times when I am not doing well. There will be times when I am numb to all around me. Therapy helps. The non-traditional treatments that I receive help. Unfortunately, nothing can prevent the depression from taking control when it wants to be in charge. I think that is one of the ways that we know depression is an illness. Depression can nix the efficacy of treatments meant to ease it. It is powerful. 

                  Most people with depression can tell you that there are times when the depression feels heavier than others. I was doing well and then depression reared up and drew me into its lair. I was surrounded by darkness. I had to reach out for support. Luckily, I have that support system in place. I got through the worst of it this time. 

                  One of the things that helped me was writing. I know I have discussed writing a lot. While I was struggling, I journaled a lot. I also wrote haiku poems. I find that writing this type of poem is helpful for me. I need to focus to ensure I am getting the correct syllable count for each line. That occupies my brain and pushes some of the depression-fueled thoughts into the background. While my haikus were dark, they were also a reflection of where my mind was at during this time. Getting my thoughts out on paper made them concrete, which allowed me to process them. 

                  I also created some art. I did paint pours over two vases. Art helps me calm my thoughts and center myself. The act of pouring the paint, watching the colors flow, releases some of the numbness. I like watching the paint flow down the glass. I try to imagine the depression dripping off the vase (or canvas if I am working with one). 

                  As I think about it, these strategies, writing and painting, provide me with a sense of externalization. The depression loads my brain with negative thoughts and feelings. Writing and creating art provide a place for those thoughts and feelings to go. As I visualize them leaving me, I begin the process of regaining control. It can be a slow process. Allowing the process to happen is healing. 

                  My main point in this post is that when we live with depression, we are going to have times when the depression becomes very dark and heavy, but we can get through those times. We need a plan to cope when the depression is at its worst. Having a safety plan for the bad times is a good start. I wrote an article about safety plans. It can be found on Recovery.com (Creating a Safety Plan for Times of Suicidal Crisis). Knowing who you can reach out to is important. It is also important to have coping strategies. For me those strategies include writing and creating art. 

                  I can’t stress the importance of being ready for the difficult times enough. This recent episode of heavy depression caught me off guard. It was difficult, but I engaged in my coping strategies. I reached out for support. You can do this, too. Depression wants to rule our lives. We do not have to let it.

 

                   

                  

Depression Always Finds Me

             Today I don’t feel up to writing a full post. I have been experiencing an increase in my depression. It comes stealthily and drags me down. Writing usually helps, but right now I need more journal-type writing, writing just for me. So, please forgive me for the short post. I just don’t have a topic idea at the moment. Maybe I will be able to write something tomorrow. For today I will share a short poem that matches what I am experiencing. It actually may be an unfinished poem. I might try to finish it later. 

 

Depression Always Finds Me

 

My mood drops.

The weight of my thoughts becomes unbearable.

I pull the blanket further over my head,

Trying to hide the depression that encapsulates me.

Hiding is futile.

The depression always finds me.

 

 

Finding My Voice

                 Living with mental illness, no matter what the diagnosis, is difficult. For me depression started at a young age. I actually do not remember what it was like to live before depression entered my life. In some ways it has become my “normal”. In my life depression just is. I live with it. At times it consumes me. Other times it lurks in the background waiting to fully embrace me.

                  Until few a years ago I accepted my depression as just part of who I am. It was something that I thought I couldn’t change. It was not something I talked about with others. I held it inside as a shameful illness that others would not understand. Then a few things happened that changed my perspective of living with depression. 

                  First, a physician’s assistant (PA) I was seeing recognized that I was being overmedicated by the psychiatrist I was seeing. The PA and my psychologist explained that I had the right to find a psychiatrist who would really listen to my needs. This gave me the courage to search for the right psychiatrist.

                  Another incident is burned into my memory. A couple years later I saw a different PA for primary care, and she shamed me for having mental illness. Her words were hurtful. You can read about this incident in my post about it (Turning Hurtful Words into Healing) or in my book, "Traveling the Healing Journey". It was this incident that made me realize that I had a voice and that I needed to use that voice to speak about mental illness. My psychologist encouraged me to use my writing as a means of sharing my story and helping others. 

                  I started by sharing poetry. My third and fourth poetry books (Curative Quest and A Light Amidst the Darkness) illustrated what it is like to live with depression. I shared the darkness of my illness and the light of healing that I was experiencing. As I promoted these books I was finding my voice. In finding my voice I realized that my story and my perception of my mental illness could help others. 

                  I worked on healing with my psychologist, my psychiatrist (I finally found an amazing one), and a psychiatric nurse practitioner. With this team I learned about my depression and anxiety. I learned to focus on the aspects of healing that have been guiding my journey. I learned that I could speak about this illness that many people would rather see kept behind curtains. I learned that there was no reason for me to be ashamed of my mental illness. I understood that depression is an illness. Even though it is mental and not physical, it is still an illness. I didn’t have depression because I did something wrong or because I was a failure. 

Depression is no different than any physical illness one might develop. If we can talk about heart disease and cancer, we can talk about depression and other mental illness. Talking about it and listening to what others have experienced is how we work toward healing. When we do this, we are raising awareness. When we are open about mental illness, we make it easier to treat. So, I started talking about it. I haven’t stopped. My books and this blog are ways that I found my voice. I can talk about depression. I can encourage people to share their stories. This allows us to connect. Connections bring awareness, which leads to progress in healing.

As I began sharing my story, I discovered an organization that was helping people do what I was trying to do. I joined NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). I have learned skills to be a better speaker. I have learned to work with peers and lead groups. I have learned where to focus my advocacy. Most importantly, I have learned that I am not alone. NAMI has shaped how I use my voice. 

As I look back and think of that awful comment made by a PA, I realize that it was a trigger. It hurt and it made me angry. However, it also taught me that I had a voice. I learned I could use my voice to prevent medical professionals and others from making hurtful comments like that. So, it was a positive trigger. I am lucky I have had a team of people around me who have encouraged me to be the voice I didn’t have earlier in my journey. With their help, I am raising my voice to bring awareness and healing to those who live with mental illness.