Being Good to Yourself

“If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?”                               – Maya Angelou

                  As the year nears an end, I think it is important to consider how we treat ourselves. So, I often I find myself beating myself up. It is easy for me to get down on myself. In my head I criticize myself. I know I am not alone. Part of it stems from my depression. I understand that. Depression traps me into feeling bad. I see the negatives to the exclusion of the positives. Depression clouds my view of myself. It is a part of the illness. Still, I know I should be kinder to myself.

                  How do others treat themselves with kindness? How can I learn to treat myself better? First, when the negative thoughts start, I need to remind myself that I cannot allow my depression to control my thoughts. Depression has a voice, but I do not need to echo that voice. It is not easy to remember this. I spend a lot of time reminding myself to be good to myself. Sometimes it works. Other times, it does not. 

                  One way I think I can work on being good to myself is by developing self-talk scripts. These scripts should include kind words and words of encouragement. An example might be “Today was rough, but one good thing that happened was _________.” I could also say, “I am feeling frustrated today. It is okay to feel frustrated. Frustration is a normal feeling.” Another thing I could say is “There are a lot of wonderful things about me. I need to think about one of those, not what my depression is telling me.”  Self-talk scripts are short sentences that we can use to encourage ourselves when the negative messages start running on repeat in our heads. It might help to have them written some place we can easily refer to them. These sentences should be unique to yourself. Although, I guess a Google search might bring up more examples.

                  Another strategy that works for me is journaling. Sometimes what I am writing starts out negative. I allow the negative thoughts to spill onto the page. Once the thoughts  are out of my head and on the page, I can then start focusing on writing kinder things about myself and to myself. I know writing is not helpful for everyone, but I wanted to share something that has worked for me. 

                  Another way of being good to yourself is to do things you enjoy. When you are getting down on yourself, try doing an activity you enjoy. Maybe it is exercising or creating art. Maybe it is listening to music whether it is on a device or live. You might enjoy gardening or woodworking. Find something that you enjoy doing and when you start hearing yourself say negative things engage in that enjoyable activity. What starts out as a distraction will lead you to feeling better about yourself. I have found that for me writing, reading, and creating art help me find enjoyment and as a result feel like being kinder to myself.

                  Now, these strategies do not make the depression go away completely. They are a way of coping with a negative effect of depression. We all need coping strategies at some point in our lives. Even the person who seems the most put together likely has negative self-thoughts at times. No one can escape them completely. The key is to remember that we deserve kindness from not just others, but from ourselves. As the quote from Maya Angelou infers, kindness starts from within. 

 

 

 

 

Intrusive Thoughts

                  Many of us with mental illness are plagued with intrusive thoughts. I thought it might be a good idea to share what intrusive thoughts are and how they affect people. As with most aspects of mental illness, people can be affected by intrusive thoughts in different ways. 

                  In an article for Harvard Health Publishing, Kelly Bilodeau defines intrusive thoughts as “…a strange, disturbing thought or troubling image that pops into your mind.” She states that intrusive thoughts affect about six million Americans. Bilodeau cites three signs that you are experiencing intrusive thoughts: 1) “The thought is unusual for you”, 2) “The thought is bothersome”, and 3) The thought feels hard to control.”  Stress and anxiety can trigger intrusive thoughts. These thoughts are involuntary and tend to pop into a person’s mind. Intrusive thoughts feel out of your control. In addition, they are often scary, inappropriate, or might conflict with your beliefs. 

                  Intrusive thoughts can happen to anyone. An occasional intrusive thought is normal. When these thoughts are more frequent, or a person obsesses over them, they might be a part of a mental health disorder. Some mental health disorders in which intrusive thoughts can commonly occur include obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). However, they are not limited to these. 

                  There are some common themes that intrusive thoughts might revolve around. These include harm, sexual content, religion/morality, contamination, and doubt/mistakes. The thoughts are different for individual people. It can be difficult to deal with these thoughts. Even though they are just thoughts, they can be distressing. Most of the time intrusive thoughts are harmless and manageable. However, when they become frequent or intense, it is important to seek professional help. It is also necessary to seek help if they cause significant distress, guilt, or anxiety. If the thoughts involve planning to act on violent or self-harm, you should seek help right away as well.  A mental health professional can provide support and help in dealing with intrusive thoughts.

                  I have struggled with intrusive thoughts at times. When I experience these thoughts, they usually involve self-harm or suicidal thoughts. These thoughts are different from the suicidal ideation I experience at other times because of major depression. When it is an intrusive thought, it pops into my head out of nowhere. I can be engaged in something or not thinking about anything in particular, when suddenly a thought about wanting to die will surface. Often, it does not last long. Sometimes it is just a passing thought. Still, it is distressing and painful. These thoughts seem real even though I know they are just thoughts, and in these moments, I do not have an intent to act. 

                  Therapy has helped me in dealing with these thoughts. Acknowledging the thoughts as intrusive thoughts helps. When I talk with my psychologist about my thoughts, I can recognize that they are not real and that what the thought is telling me is not what I want to do. Another practice I use to help me with intrusive thoughts is journaling. I have shared a lot about how journaling helps me. It is a way for me to get thoughts out of my head. So, if I can write about the intrusive thoughts, I can get them out of my mind. 

                  Intrusive thoughts affect many of us. While they are not easy to deal with, mental health professionals employ several therapies/treatments to combat intrusive thoughts. One therapy is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). This is a form of talk therapy that helps people identify and challenge unhelpful thought patterns and beliefs. The goal of CBT is to reframe negative thoughts. Another therapy is exposure and responsive prevention. It is a form of CBT that is often used with OCD. In this therapy the person is taught that the thoughts are not dangerous and that the feared outcomes do not occur. Another therapy is acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), which helps people change their relationship with the intrusive thoughts instead of trying to completely eliminate the thoughts. In addition to these therapies, medication and lifestyle changes may also be implemented.

                  Intrusive thoughts can be a symptom of mental illness. If you are experiencing intrusive thoughts, discuss them with your mental health provider. If the thoughts are causing serious distress or you feel you may act on a harmful thought, it may be necessary to reach out to the 988 Lifeline or 911. You can also go to the nearest emergency room. 

                  Intrusive thoughts can cause distress for the individual. That is why it is important to seek help and support. If you experience intrusive thoughts, you are not alone. Reach out for help. You do not need to deal with these thoughts alone.

 

Signs You Need a Mental Health Break

                  Living with mental illness is tough. Often, it is necessary to take a mental health break. Even people who are not diagnosed with a mental illness can benefit from a mental health break. I would like to share some signs that it may be time for that break.

                  We can break down the signs that it is time for a mental health break into a few  categories. The first two categories are emotional signs and mental and cognitive signs. There are also physical and behavioral signs. Work or school related signs may also be present. In addition to these categories, there can also be serious indicators that you need a break. It is important to recognize these signs whether you have a diagnosed mental illness or not.

                  There are several emotional signs to be aware of. One is irritability or impatience over small things. Feeling overwhelmed by tasks that are normally manageable is another sign. If you notice an increase in anxiety, worry, or dread, it might be time to take a break and reach out for support. You might need a mental health break if you start having mood swings or emotional numbness. Feeling disconnected from people or things is another indicator. We can all experience emotional signs that we need a break at times. So, it is important to pay attention to these indicators and give yourself the grace of a break.

                  We can also experience mental and cognitive signs that we need a mental health break. If you experience difficulty concentrating or a sense of brain fog, it is a good idea to take a step back. Memory loss or forgetting simple things can be a sign that your mental health needs attention. A person in need of a mental health break might have trouble making decisions. Sometimes when we need a break, we feel drained even after sleep. You might also notice reduced creativity or problem-solving ability. Again, if you notice these signs, you need a mental health break.

                  Often, we do not realize that physical symptoms can be related to our mental health. Constant fatigue despite resting is a sign of mental health struggles. You might experience headaches, muscle tension, or stomach issues. Changes in appetite or sleep patterns can be an indicator. Sometimes frequent colds or lowered immunity is related to our mental health. Unexplained aches or tightness in the chest can be a sign of mental health issues. Of course, with chest pain or tightness, it is also important to be checked for physical issues.

                  Sometimes we do not recognize behavioral signs, but it is important to be aware of them. One behavioral sign might be withdrawal from social interactions or responsibilities. Procrastination or inability to complete tasks can be an indicator that you are struggling. Dependence on food, alcohol, caffeine, or social media and other screentime is another sign. If you start to lose interest in hobbies or self-care, it is important that you pay attention to your mental health. 

                  The above signs can be present in our work or school lives. In addition, a drop in productivity despite your efforts is an important sign to address. Sometimes you might feel on edge or resentful at work or school. When you dread tasks you once enjoyed your mental health is telling you to pay attention. This is also true when you feel like you are constantly behind or notice mistakes that are not typical for you.

                  Most of these signs can be addressed with simple strategies. These might include taking a day or more to rest. Do not be afraid to use sick time to tend to these signs. Mental health is a legitimate reason to use sick days. Even if you do not have sick time, it is important to give yourself time away from a job, school, or whatever else is resulting in the need for a break. Another important thing is disconnecting from screens and social media. While technology has provided us with a lot of benefits, it also causes a lot of unnecessary stress. 

Spend time outdoors. Nature can be an amazing healer. Check out my post on forest bathing for more information on allowing nature to bring healing. You can also do something that you find nourishing or grounding. Some examples might include: a slow walk in which you notice each step, holding something with texture, lighting a calming candle, listening to ambient sounds such as rain or nature sounds, a warm shower, walking barefoot on sand or grass, gardening, watching clouds, journaling, crafting, playing an instrument, listening to calming music, talking to a supportive friend, meditation, light exercise, or watching a comfort show or movie.

                  Another important activity that can provide a mental health break is doing a reset. This might include a reset on sleep habits. Setting new boundaries is also important. Rethinking responsibilities and establishing a doable pattern can be helpful. 

                  You do not need to do these things alone. You can reach out to a mental health provider or even your primary care provider for assistance. You can join a support group. Organizations such as NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) can provide support. Some people find support in peer groups or religious groups. You can search online for a group involving an activity you find nourishing. 

                  There are also serious indicators that you need more than just a mental health break. The signs that follow indicate that you need break immediately and need support.  If you experience panic attacks or constant high anxiety do not try to deal with it alone. Thoughts of self-harm or hopelessness are another serious indicator that you need help. In these instances, you should reach out to the 988 Lifeline either by phone or text or call 911.  You also should reach out for immediate help if you experience emotional breakdowns or uncontrollable crying. If you feel completely disconnected from yourself you should reach out to 988 or 911, too. 

                  We live in an increasingly stressful world. It is normal to need a mental health break. If you have a mental health disorder this need increases. However, it is important to remember that you do not need to be diagnosed with a mental health disorder to need help. If you are struggling, please remember that it is okay not to be okay and it is absolutely okay to reach out for help. 

                  

The Importance of Rest

                 We live in a world that is always on the go. Whether it is work, school, or family obligations, it seems like there is always something to do. This can be hard on anyone, but it can be especially difficult on those of us living with mental illness. Let’s look at the importance of rest and how to incorporate it into our lives. While I am addressing this need for people with mental illness, I believe anyone can benefit from incorporating rest into their lives. 

                  First, we need to define rest. Rest is a purposeful pause that allows your mind and body to recover, reset, and restore energy. Rest reduces stress, replenishes your emotional and physical reserves, and brings your system back into balance. Rest is more than just sleep. Rest can be anything that replenishes your energy instead of draining it. When you are resting you stop or slow down. You allow yourself to just be. 

                  Rest is important for everyone. Rest reduces stress. It also regulates the nervous system. When we slow down the cortisol levels in our body are lowered. It is important to lower cortisol because when it is elevated it can disrupt every system in our bodies that keep us healthy and emotionally balanced. Our mind is calmed when we get enough rest.  This is important when we live with mental illness because our minds are often on overload with negative or anxious thoughts. Rest allows us to feel grounded rather than overwhelmed. As someone with an anxiety disorder, I know how important it is to find ways to feel less overwhelmed. It is not easy, but rest can help.  

                  Here is a big one for people living with mental illness. Rest improves mood and emotional resilience. When we are fatigued, everything seems more difficult. Rest allows us to reset. When we are rested, we can respond to challenges rather than reacting in negative ways. 

                  Rest allows us to be more creative. I am reading about how allowing our creative mind to take over helps reduce anxiety. (More on that in a future post). When we are rested, we can be more creative. We gain insight, clarity, and perspective. Each of these helps us to express ourselves and engage in activities that bring us joy. Creativity is more than just the arts. Creativity seeps into every area of our lives. So, rest is obviously important.

                  From a health perspective, rest strengthens our immune system. When we are constantly on the go, stress weakens our immunity. When we rest, our bodies are able to recover and repair themselves. This allows us to be healthier.  

                  When we are rested, we can be more connected to others. We are present. We can listen better and engage more meaningfully with others. It also allows us to enjoy moments rather than just pushing through the motions of life.

                  Burnout is a major struggle in today’s world. Rest can help prevent burnout. When we are rested, we are creating a better long-term well-being. Being stressed and working through exhaustion, harms our health and our overall well-being. Incorporating rest into our daily lives can help us not only in the moment but can improve our long-term well-being.

                  Okay. So, now we know some of the benefits of rest. What do we do now? Many of us are faced with busy schedules. We have obligations. Some of us are living with mental illnesses that leave us feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Let’s look at some ways to make time for rest.

                  One of the most important ways to find time to rest is to schedule it. We need to add rest to our calendars just like any other commitment. We do not need to make major time breaks. Try adding 10 minute rest breaks to your calendar. You might schedule an hour of down time to each day. If that seems overwhelming, try every other day to start.  Rest needs to be an intentional part of our daily schedules.

                  As I mentioned, rest does not need to be long. I heard about something called micro-rest. Maybe you sit in silence for two minutes. Or perhaps take five minutes to work on breathing. A ten-minute walk outside can do wonders. Even something as simple as closing your eyes for a minute between tasks can help. The important thing is to do these activities regularly.

                  Boundaries are important. Once you have scheduled rest time, do not let it be interrupted. Set a cut-off time for work or errands. Do not work after your scheduled hours. Honor your time. I used to bring work home and spend just as much time working while not getting paid as my paid work time. No more. When my contractual hours are up, I do not work. It is a way of honoring my rest time. I have learned as a result of both mental and physical illness that I need to honor my rest time.

                  We are often overstimulated. To counter this try creating a low-stimulation zone. In this zone reduce noise, screens, and clutter. Give your mind and body signals that it is time to rest. Turn off tech devices. Lower the lighting. Maybe have a cozy blanket in the area or a cup of tea. The idea is to allow yourself to slow down in comfort without interruptions.

                  Try intentionally slowing down. Walk slower, eat slower, drive slower, talk slower. When we intentionally slow our pace, we are signaling our body that it is time to rest. We are calming our nervous system. This allows us to rest.

                  It is important to rest before you are exhausted. We want to prevent exhaustion. This requires taking breaks and slowing our pace. If we wait until we are exhausted, our bodies and minds are in a constant trap of overdrive and collapse. Scheduling rest and slowing our pace can prevent this trap.

                  Remember that you do not need to do everything yourself. Let others help you. Do not take on added assignments at work. It is the holiday season right now and many of us get caught up in having to keep up with traditions even though we are exhausted. Try simplifying traditions. Ask for help. I know that is a difficult one for many of us. We see asking for help as a sign of weakness, but really it is a sign of strength. It is also a part of putting our needs first. 

                  Technology! Here is a big one for many of us. Schedule times when technology is turned off. You do not need to answer every text. Social media posts will still be there the next day. Leave your phone in a different room. Schedule quiet hours. When we take a break from technology our minds and bodies are able to rest.

                  Rest can be combined with simple pleasures. For instance, you might sit in a comfortable chair with a hot cup of tea or cocoa. Maybe you snuggle under a comfortable blanket. Sitting and listening to calming music can allow for rest. Stretching or doing gentle yoga can help you relax and rest. 

                  Here is another important one. Reframe rest as productive. Often, in Western society we feel the need to be productive at all times. We forget that rest is important. Rest. Is productive. It is not laziness. Rest allows us to maintain our mental and physical health. When we rest, we are better able to do everything else. 

It is critical to understand the importance of rest. Without rest, we are going to collapse either mentally or physically at some point. We need rest to stay health and be productive. As we move through the final month of the year, there will be a lot of demands on most of us. Remember that we cannot meet those demands if we are exhausted. We also do not need to meet every demand. Our health, both mental and physical, come first. So, take time to think about how you can incorporate rest into your daily schedule. Make rest an important part of your daily life. Take a moment here to close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Didn’t that feel relaxing? Try it one more time. 

Rest is important. Do not let the hustle of our society keep you from taking care of your health by resting. How will you schedule rest into your daily life? Share your thoughts in the comments.

 

                  

                  

Being Understanding and Empathetic

“If you want to support people with their mental health, be willing to believe in things you cannot see. Be open to the idea that people experience things you know nothing about. And accept that your personal lived experience is not the only lived experience.”               – Megan Lane

 

                  I saw this quote on social media. I immediately connected with it. As a person with mental illness, I know firsthand what it is like to be treated with misunderstanding because of my illness. Having others not understand what I live with can be painful. I think this quote captures what I would like others to understand. It is what I wish I could say to people who do not understand mental illness. 

                  First, let’s assume that others want to be supportive. I do not think that other people intentionally disregard those of us with mental illness. I guess there are some people who are just cruel, but the vast majority of people do not mean to hurt others. So, what advice would I give those who want to be supportive?

                  I think being willing to believe things you cannot see is important when interacting with someone who lives with mental illness. Unlike most physical illnesses, you cannot see mental illness. There are outward signs, such as being withdrawn with depression or on edge with anxiety. Some mental illnesses have outward signs that appear as strange behavior, but they are a symptom of the illness, not a choice. Just because you do not see the mental illness does not mean it is not there. Some of us are good at masking or hiding our symptoms. For instance, I have spent my career without most colleagues even knowing I struggle with depression and anxiety. I have hidden my battle with suicidal ideation. So, as you can see a person’s mental illness may not be visible. But just because you cannot see it, doesn’t mean it is not there. If you want to be supportive, believe that mental illnesses are real even when you do not see them.

                  The next part of the quote mentions being open to experiences you have not experienced as being real. A person who does not live with depression may know very little to nothing about what it is like to experience the darkness of depression. I can only describe my experience with depression as we each have our own experience, but there are commonalities that exist. For me depression involves a sense of lowered mood. It is a feeling of being trapped in darkness. Nothing seems positive. I feel like I cannot do anything. My mind and body are slowed. At the same time my anxiety will get my thoughts going on a negative loop. No one can see this going on because it is happening in my mind. Most people do not know what this experience is like. I ask that you be open to the fact that my experience is real even if you do not experience it or understand it. As the quote states, I ask that you accept that my lived experience is just as real as yours. 

                  Depression and anxiety (and other mental illnesses) are not just in our heads. We are not making up how we feel. Mental illness is real. We experience these illnesses. Mental illnesses affect us and cause us pain. It may not be a physical pain, although at times physical pain can be a part of our mental illness. Being supportive involves accepting the experience of others as real even if you do not understand that experience. 

                  Over the years I have learned that I can help others be supportive by being open about my mental illness. I have learned that I do not need to hide it as much as I have in the past. I still do not tell everyone. For instance, I am not going to walk up to my principal and say, “I have depression and anxiety.” There is no need for her to know unless it is impacting my work. By not saying something, I am not hiding my mental illness. I just do not need to tell everyone. At the same time, I am very open about my mental illness. That was not always the case. I have learned to be open about it. Not everyone with mental illness is able to be open about it. That is okay. 

                  Reducing stigma is necessary. Those of us who are able can share our experiences to help others understand what it is like to live with mental illness. By letting others into our world, we can build understanding. With understanding, hopefully, we are also building a culture of empathy.  Creating empathy in society is vital to helping individuals with mental illness feel supported. This blog, the books and articles I have written, the talks I have given, and the work I have done for NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) are all an attempt to build support and empathy for those of us living with mental illness. 

                  If you have never thought about what it is like to live with mental illness, I encourage you to check out my webpage https://www.ginacapobianco.com/ or the NAMI webpage. You can find my books and articles on my webpage. Also, continue reading this blog. I try to share information that will help people understand mental illness. Any little step you can take to understand mental illness and be empathetic makes a difference. We can change the perception of mental illness one person at a time. 

Setting Realistic Expectations During the Holidays

                 The holidays can be a difficult time for people with depression and other mental illnesses. This time of year is usually tough for me. I feel my depression worsening as the holidays near. I often feel a sense of dread and worry that I will not be able to cope with holiday gatherings. Even just seeing decorations and gifts fill stores or hearing holiday music on the radio can trigger my depression. So, how do people like me get through this time of year that most people find festive, when we struggle with the darkness of mental illness?

                  One way is to acknowledge that what we are feeling is real. We are experiencing an increase in the symptoms of our mental illness. Not only is it real, but it is also okay. We do not need to apologize for our struggles. We do not need to explain ourselves to others. It is okay to not be okay during the holidays. We are not alone. There are actually statistics to back this up. In a 2022 poll conducted by the American Psychiatric Association, researchers found that 38% of Americans state that their mood declines during the winter months. This is a significant amount of people. In a survey conducted by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) 24% of people with diagnosed mental illness said that the holidays make their condition “a lot worse”. Another 40% of respondents said the holidays make their conditions “somewhat worse”. These results tell me that what I feel is real and I am not alone. 

                  How do we approach the holidays when we know that it is likely to be a difficult time? One of the most important things is to set realistic expectations. Do not expect your mood to be something it is not. It is important not to pressure yourself to enjoy holiday events. Just because others are cheerful does not mean you have to be. It is okay to have a different experience than others if the holidays do not feel okay to you. Part of this involves setting boundaries. You can say no to holiday plans. You can leave events early. You can shop online instead of going into stores full of holiday reminders. The important thing is to allow yourself to determine what you will and will not do. If something is going to negatively impact your mental health, it is okay to say no.

                  Another strategy is to recognize that socializing can be overwhelming. Only attend gatherings that feel safe to you. Remember that you can leave gatherings early. Seeing others being cheerful can be difficult when depression is bearing down on you. This is something I deal with every year. Some years it is worse than others. What has made the biggest difference for me is recognizing that I control what I do and who I spend time with. I also remind myself that just because others are cheerful does not mean I have to be. It is okay to just be who I am and feel what I am feeling.

                  Another important strategy is to plan for tough times. Be aware of what your triggers are. The holidays can trigger memories, loneliness, and family tension. As you prepare for the holidays identify what affects you. Once you have identified these, make a plan to utilize coping strategies. These strategies can be anything that helps you deal with difficult times. Some suggestions include breathing exercises, walks, listening to a playlist, talking to a trusted individual. It may also be necessary to plan for an extra therapy session. Do not be afraid to schedule an extra appointment. Whatever your coping strategies, remember that you have these strategies so that you can use them. One strategy I use is extra journaling. I allow myself to write about the feelings the holidays bring up for me. Getting these feelings out of me and onto the pages of my journal provides me with a sense of relief. Spend some time considering what strategies will help you cope with the holidays.

                  Something I had not thought about until recent years is getting exposure to light. The holidays coincide with more darkness. The sun goes down earlier. There is less light. There is evidence that gloomier weather can dampen mood. So, plan exposure to light. Maybe go for a walk during daylight hours. There are light therapy lamps that can be used. I have never used one, but it is worth giving a try. 

                  One more important thing to do when the holidays affect your mood is to practice being kind toward yourself. You do not have to be cheerful during the holidays. You are not less because you do not feel festive. You do not need to enjoy the holidays. Mental illness is real. There are difficult times of the year. Our mood can worsen when others expect it to be better. Remind yourself that all of this is okay. Do not judge yourself or place unrealistic expectations on yourself. 

                  I do not know how I will handle the holidays this year. Some years are better than others for me. One thing I know is that I am allowed to feel the way I do. I am not going to judge myself. I will choose what holiday activities and events I engage in and for how long I stay. My depression is real. The holidays are difficult, but that is okay. If the holidays are difficult for you, remember that it is okay. Do what you need to do for yourself to get through the holidays.

If you have any holiday coping strategies that might help others, write them in the comments section. They just might help someone else.