Letting the Light In

“There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in” ― Leonard Cohen

 

                  As I was trying to decide what I would write today, I came across this quote. I have heard it before. When I think about it, this quote is powerful. For years I have described my depression as darkness and referred to healing as the light. My description fits with this quote. When everything about life seems difficult, when we are struggling with our mental health, we need a crack to let the light of healing into our lives.

                  Even when our worlds seem to be completely dark, there is a crack somewhere. We may not always see it, but it is there. Learning to look for that crack is not easy. After a lifetime of learning about my depression and reflecting on it, I still struggle at times. It is difficult to remember that the light exists. I have learned that the crack letting the light in takes different forms. 

The crack can be a thought or a song. It might be a something someone says. Maybe it is the literal light of a sunny day. The crack can be small. It can be something unexpected. At times we must do a bit of work to find that crack. Employing a coping skill is an example of doing work to find the crack.  Engaging in one of these skills often allows me to feel better. The crack might be finding the strength to reach out to my mental health team and allowing them to guide me through whatever the depression is causing me to feel. Reaching out is the crack. My mental health team brings light through that crack.

The cracks in our depression or whatever we are struggling with is going to be different for each of us. When we find the cracks, we need to allow that light to seep into our lives. The light may be faint, but it can also be bright. Whatever form it takes, we need to embrace the light. 

The quote reminds me of an artform I have mentioned before. (Beautifully Imperfect) Kintsugi is a Japanese art of repair. When a piece of pottery or porcelain is broken the cracks are repaired with gold. In kintsugi gold is the light seeping through the brokenness, which can be viewed as a darkness.  Our cracks can be filled with “gold”, a light of healing.

As 2025 begins I am going to try to focus on the light seeping through the cracks in my depression. At times I may not see the light, but I need to remind myself that it is there. I realize that at times this will be difficult. I may need to rely on my coping strategies or my mental health team at times. That is okay. They are a part of the light. I encourage you to look for the cracks letting light into your lives.

                  

                  

Saying Goodbye to 2024 and Hello to 2025

                  As 2024 nears a close, many people are looking back over the last year. I have mixed feelings about looking back on the year. Doing so can show how far I have come, but it can also show all I didn’t achieve. My depression will latch onto what was missing in 2024.  Saying goodbye to one year and hello to the next can unleash a mixture of feelings. 

                  In 2024 I experienced ups and downs. Health concerns, both mental and physical, occupied a lot of space during the past year. Really, the past two years have been a roller coaster with my health. Entering 2023 I was struggling with my mental health. That struggle took me on an interesting ride that continued through 2024. I found myself struggling in a new way. Suicidal thoughts were hushed by the desire to fight for my life brought on by cancer. Despite finding the desire to live, depression still impacted me during the past year. At times it doesn’t make sense. I am alive. I am winning my battle with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Shouldn’t that be enough to hush the depression? Unfortunately, it is not. Depression tries to quash the good things. It wants to ruin the wins in my life. I am blessed with a support team that keeps fighting the depression and allows me to focus on healing. 

                  During the past year I have had a few pet scans that continue to show that cancer no longer has the upper hand. The tumors are gone. As January approaches, another pet scan awaits, which makes me anxious. Scanxiety is now a part of my life. As if I didn’t deal with enough anxiety already. Scan anxiety is that part of my new normal that worries about what the next scan will tell my oncologist. It worries that the next scan will lead to more chemo. Scanxiety is a word that is not found in the dictionary but is very real to anyone living with a cancer diagnosis.  I lived with scanxiety in 2024 it will follow me into 2025. Thankfully, I have learned that I am not alone in dealing with this type of anxiety. I’ve had conversations about it with my oncologist, with my mental health team, in my cancer support group, with my aunt, and perhaps most effectively with my Dancing Queen (you know who you are). As the new year begins, I know I will face anxiety over my cancer diagnosis, but I know I have support to get me through it.

                  In October I took my dream trip to Italy. I explored the country my family once called home. The artisans in Venice, bookmakers, mask-makers, and glass blowers, gave me an appreciation for their arts. The history and art in Rome was amazing. I walked in the same small towns where my ancestors once lived. I stood at the Church altar where my great-grandparents, Pasquale Tropea and Josephina Cappello, were married. I floated in the waters of the Tyrrhenian Sea off the coast of Calabria. My worries seemed to wash away as I floated in this water. It was the trip of a lifetime and made 2024 memorable for all the right reasons.

                  New writing opportunities arose this past year. Writing is filling my life. It is not enough to make a living, but it is providing me with opportunity. My writing is reaching a greater audience. I will admit that I wish my audience would grow faster, but I remind myself that it just takes one person being impacted by something I have written to make a difference.

                  Perhaps the most important lesson I learned began in 2023 and stretched through 2024. I learned a four-letter word that impacted my life in a very positive way. HOPE. It is a simple word that carries so much power. My mental health team instilled hope in me as I was struggling with depression. My oncologist strengthened hope in me with her belief that I would win the battle with cancer. The oncology nurse navigator who taught me to dance atop cancer showed me how to make hope a part of my life. Hope is guiding me now. I do not know where it will lead me, but I am holding onto hope as I enter 2025. My hope is that healing follows me.

                  

                  

Holiday Wishes

                  I recently wrote about how the holidays are difficult for me. It is something I face every year. I don’t know if I expect it, but it is a part of this time of year for me. It is a time of gift-giving of expressing our appreciation and love for the people in our lives. I love to give gifts, but I am not so good when someone asks me what I want. A couple of weeks ago my mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I know giving her ideas makes things easier for her, but I honestly couldn’t think of anything. I ended up choosing something I needed for my kitchen, which considering my grandmother’s and my mother’s amazing ability in the kitchen didn’t get passed on to me, something for the kitchen is a bit of a funny choice. 

                  Maybe my inability to say what material things I want is a function of my depression. I can’t see myself being worth anything let alone something nice. I’ve already received a few amazing gifts, a Christmas music globe, a journal, planner and pen set, and watercolors. They each brought a smile to my face and joy to my heart because they were so meaningful. I feel like I’ve received all that I need. As for giving gifts, I finished the chore of wrapping gifts last night. I am the absolute worst at wrapping gifts. I will enjoy watching my niece and nephew open their gifts. For me that is the best part of the holidays. 

                  Still, I feel that there is more to holidays. Maybe the holidays are about wishes just not the material wishes. November was a time to focus on what we are grateful for, but what do we do with all that we grateful for? How do we ensure that gratefulness leads to more abundance? I think that is where holiday wishes come into play. I am grateful for the mental and physical healthcare I have received this year. My healing has been a result of some amazing people. One of my holiday wishes is for them to receive the appreciation they deserve. I also wish that their healing touch continues to heal me as well as others in need. 

                  Another holiday wish is for advances in the treatment of cancer. I have lived the hell that is stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. I wish that no one else has to go through that hell. A cure for cancer is a huge ask, but progress in that direction is realistic. It is likely that I would not be alive if it weren’t for the cancer treatment I received and the amazing oncology team that provided it. I feel the same way about my mental health. I have benefitted from advances in the treatment of depression such as TMS and esketamine. The treatment I have received and the great team that has provided everything from therapy to medication to TMS to esketamine has kept me from giving up on life. Again, my wish is for more advances in the treatment of depression and other mental illnesses as well as greater availability of mental health care. 

                  On a more personal level I wish for the health of my family and friends. It is true that I often feel isolated, but that doesn’t mean I do not care about the people in my life. I want them all to have good health as well as all that they need to make them happy and healthy. I wish for more time with family and friends. That wish is related to my mental health because if I had more time with others isolation would not build up leaving me with more depression. 

                  The fulfillment of these wishes would mean a lot to me. I’ll be realistic. They are not going to happen overnight. Still, they are my wishes this holiday season. My fights with depression and cancer have taught me to have hope. I realize that may sound strange. How do the illnesses that almost took my life teach me to have hope? I survived. Thanks to a great team of mental and physical healthcare providers I have survived. Survival has taught me that we can heal. One more holiday wish is that others find healing and experience survival.

                  What are your holiday wishes? Share in the comments.

                  

                  

We Don’t Know Everyone’s Story

                  I recently wrote about how people with depression often fake being okay. Today I would like to expand on this. When we interact with someone, we don’t always know what they are going through. The cashier scanning our groceries might be struggling to make ends meet. The barista making our coffee may have college exams to take and no time to study. The doctor who seems rushed may have a sick child of their own. The co-worker who seems frazzled may be caring for an elderly parent. We don’t know everyone’s story. 

                  Since we don’t always know another person’s story, we should try to be kind to others. Many of us carry heavy weights as we go through life. For some of us it is mental illness. Others carry physical illness daily. People might be struggling financially. They may have stressors that we know nothing about because we cannot see them. The person is just trying to get through their day. As someone who lives with mental and physical illness as well as the limited income of being on disability, I have stressors that make my life difficult. I do my best not to take my stress out on others. It leaks out at times. It would be foolish to believe I could hide everything. These stressors have given me a different perspective on those around me. I have learned that what we see is not always what lies in the background of people’s lives. 

                  What can we do with this knowledge? I think there is a rather simple thing we can do. Be kind. That’s it. Simple, isn’t it? Just be kind to others. We don’t know what the person standing next to us is carrying. It doesn’t cost anything to be kind. It doesn’t hurt us. Being kind includes being patient with others. It means seeing ourselves in the place of another person. How would we want to be treated if we were struggling or going through something difficult?

If the kid taking your order at the fast-food restaurant makes a mistake, be understanding. He may be trying to get through school and help support his/her/their family. We don’t need to snap at the kid. Tell the kid it is okay and let them have the time to get it right. It’s about being kind and understanding.

Being kind is about being gentle with others. Maybe you are sitting next to a stranger at an airport gate. That stranger looks stressed. Ask them how they are doing? Frequently we see news stories about strangers who formed a lasting relationship through a chance encounter. You might be the ear that person needs. Or maybe you are just a distraction to their harried day. Talk to others.

I’ve noticed on my walks that some people will acknowledge me with a smile or a “hello” while others look down at the sidewalk as we walk by each other. I try to always acknowledge someone I am walking by. Even if it is just a smile, I can acknowledge others. A smile doesn’t cost anything. Sometimes a smile can make a person’s day. I know I feel good when someone smiles at me on my walk.

Often, we get caught up in our worlds. We forget that others may be going through difficult things. We react before we take a moment to think about what someone else might be dealing with. This time of year is a good time to think about being kind to others. There is so much a person might be going through. Let’s remember that we don’t know everyone’s story and just try to be kind. 

 

We’re Not Failing

                  The other day I saw something on Instagram that said, “Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing.” This really struck me. I have been struggling recently and I can sense that feeling of failing creeping up in my mind. It has happened my whole life. Depression is difficult to live with and I go through periods in which I struggle. In these moments all the negatives jump out at me. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like I can’t do anything. 

                  I’ve been in therapy and worked with mental health professionals enough to know that I am not failing. Still, it is difficult to remember that in the moment. One thing I’ve learned is that I need to reframe the thoughts that are telling me I am failing. This not an easy task. It takes a lot of practice. I wish I could say that I am good at reframing those negative thoughts. I know how to do it. I know I need reframe the thoughts, but it is hard. 

                  When I am struggling, the struggle is all I seem to be aware of. How can the struggle be reframed? One example is when the struggle tells me I can’t do something anymore. The struggle might tell me I can’t get out of bed because life is just too much. I can reframe this thought by telling myself, “There is a lot going through my mind right now, but I have functioned in times like these before. I can do it again.” Saying it once may not be enough. I may have to repeat it several times to get myself to listen. That’s okay. 

                  Another example is when I am trying to write a post and the voice of depression tells me no one is reading my posts and I should just give up. It tells me I can’t write well enough for others to want to read my writing. This happens more frequently than I would like to admit. At these times I need to reframe the thoughts. I need to tell myself that people have read my posts and other writings. I need to reframe the negative thoughts so that I can focus on the positives. The negative thoughts want me to feel like a failure. These thoughts want me to believe I am a failure. I need to remember the quote above. Just because I am struggling, it doesn’t mean I am not failing. I may not be where I want to be, but I am not failing.

                  Embracing the quote is not easy when depression wants me to believe the negatives. In these times I need to remember that depression will do whatever it can to tear me down. Talking back to depression by reframing thoughts is a strategy that has worked for me. It is not foolproof. There are times when I can’t do it, and I wallow in the depression. I try to remember that struggle does not equate to failure. 

                  I am sure I am not alone in this struggle. Although it usually feels like I am. That is depression talking. It is important to recognize our wins. It is important to acknowledge the things we do well and focus on the positives. It also helps if we acknowledge positives in others. By recognizing the wins in our lives and the lives of others, we are building a culture rich with positive thoughts. Those positive thoughts can lift us up in times of struggle. It is not just those of us who live with depression who face the struggle and belief we are failing. It happens to everyone. No matter how confident a person appears to be on the outside, thoughts of failure still lurk at times. Everyone struggles at times. We need to remember that struggling is not a sign of failure. We can reframe the thoughts and be successful. 

                  If you are willing, share a way that you reframe thoughts in the comment section. Or share another way you deal with thoughts that speak of failure. We can help each other by sharing how we deal with these thoughts. 

                  

You Possess the Strength to Ask for Help

                  As I have shared many times I have struggled with depression for over three decades. It started in my teen years. During that time, I didn’t understand what was going on and didn’t know how to get the help I needed. Decades of living with depression has taught me something important. What is that lesson? I possess the strength it takes to ask for help. When we are at our weakest points, we still possess the ability to reach out for help. How we reach out for help is going to vary from person to person, but when we do reach out, we need to be met with understanding. 

                  As a teenager I didn’t know how to reach out for help or that I even could reach out for help. My struggles were met by a lack of understanding from high school personnel who should have been able to help me. Maybe they were doing the best they could, given their understandings of mental health at the time. I don’t harbor bad feelings about the lack of help I received at that time. I am grateful that times have changed and that there are more avenues for help with mental health today.

                  Even though there is more help today, people often don’t seek help when they are struggling. Asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness by many, which is unfortunate.  It couldn’t be further from the truth to say that asking for help is a sign of weakness.  It takes incredible strength to recognize that you are struggling and to then reach out for help. Frequently, we don’t realize that we possess the strength to reach out. That has happened to me many times. I got through those teenage years, but even in my adult life sometimes I find myself saying that I can get through it on my own or that there is nothing anyone can do. Those words paralyze me, making it hard for me to receive the help I need. I know I am not alone in this. 

                  Fortunately for me, I have learned to reach out and say that one syllable word, “help”.  Each time I have uttered that word, I have received assistance. That has led to having a mental health team that I know I can always turn to when I am struggling. I believe it is a sign of strength to ask for this help. It requires me to recognize that I do not need to do it alone. It also requires me to understand that I don’t have to live trapped in my depression. I had to build up the ability to ask for help. Like weightlifting, it requires repetition and consistency. Each time I get myself to reach out for help, it becomes a little easier. In a sense I have developed something akin to muscle memory. When the darkness sets in and depression leads to suicidal thoughts, my mind reaches out for help. I have reached out enough for my mind to know that is what it needs to do. Of course this is not foolproof. There are other factors like trust in my mental health team. That trust increases my strength and allows me to reach out. 

                  In our darkest moments hope may seem to be absent. If we can get ourselves to reach out, we will find that there is help available. Returning to my weightlifting example, it takes practice to be able to reach out for help. We need to continue to reach out when we are struggling. Reaching out needs to be normalized. As a society we need to encourage reaching out. We need to ensure that people know they are not alone in their suffering. This is how we develop strength.  

                  Mental health professionals play a vital role in developing the strength to reach out for help. They need to encourage people to reach out. Whether it is encouraging people to reach out to them or to other available resources such as 988 or NAMI support groups, mental health professionals can provide people with a way to reach out for help. 

                  Know that if you are struggling you deserve help. You do not have to struggle alone. Even if all you can do is whisper it, you can reach out for help. Dialing 988 can be a life saver. If you just get yourself to press those three numbers, someone on the other end will help you make your needs known. If you are lucky enough to have a mental health provider, make a plan with them for what to do when the darkness is too much. 

                  “Help” is a simple word, but it is incredibly powerful. Tell yourself you possess the strength to use this word. Asking for help can make a difference. I know it has made a difference in my life.

                   

December Brings Increased Depression

                December has been a difficult month for me for decades. My depression always seems to get darker during this time. Maybe it is mirroring the earlier sundown. With the increased darkness in my mind, I struggle. It happens every year, but still, it catches me unprepared. Depression is heavy for me during this time of year. It is something I have come to expect. Mental illness doesn't take a break for the holidays.

                  Part of my increased depression relates to the holidays. Being a single person with limited interactions, seeing people gathered with family and friends is hard for me. It triggers the feelings of aloneness that my depression latches onto.  I am driven further into the darkness. It happens every year. Even though I can anticipate it, living with it is still difficult. My depression tells me I am the only one who is alone. It mocks me and says I will always be alone. Even at my family gathering on Christmas Day, I am aware of how alone I am. I always have been. 

                  Perhaps if depression had not overtaken my life, I would have a family of my own. The children I once wanted would be sharing in holiday joy with me. Instead, they are nonexistent. I am aware of my aloneness all year, but the awareness always intensifies in December. It hurts. I recognize all that I have missed out on in my life. 

                  I guess I should be grateful for the life I have. I should enjoy what the holidays bring even if it is not what I wish I had. Unfortunately, depression takes over my thoughts. I get down. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. Considering what I have been through in the last two years, I should be able to find reason to celebrate during the holidays. There they are. The “shoulds” taking control of my life. I should be grateful I have overcome the suicidal thoughts of the past two years. I should celebrate that I am beating cancer. I should be grateful I have a roof over my head. I should be grateful I can afford health insurance on my now limited income. I should. I should. I should. I wish the “shoulds” would shut up. They only bring me down. 

                  The holidays are a time of celebration. I should enjoy them. I try. I buy gifts. I tell myself that I will see my niece and nephew. I tell myself I can do things like drive around looking at Christmas lights. I’ve never been one to decorate. This year I was given a Christmas globe. In an attempt to decorate, I cleared my coffee table and put the globe on it. That’s as far as my decorating got. I guess it is more than I usually do. I can give myself credit for that.

                  Depression is going to drag me down this month. I need to find ways to cope with it. Two years ago, I didn’t think I would get through December. I did. Last year I had good news in my cancer battle to help me fight the depression. This year I am just existing. The month will be hard. I know that. I accept that. I wish things were different. I wish I could get into the holiday spirit. Increased depression in December is just a fact of life for me. I am doing what I can to fight it. I have my therapy sessions. I am getting esketamine treatment. I write to give me something else to focus on (except for this post). Other than those things, all I can do is wait for December to pass and hope that January brings a decrease in my depression. 

People Don’t Fake Depression

    I have read this quote many times, “People don’t fake depression. They fake being okay.” Most recently I saw this quote with a picture of Robin Williams. The quote really hits home for me. Sometimes people think that when a person is depressed, they are seeking attention, especially if they express suicidal ideation. That couldn’t be further from the truth. 

I have been suicidal numerous times. Not once has it been an attempt to get attention. In fact, for me suicidal thoughts involve wanting to escape. I definitely have not wanted attention. 

Depression is a painful illness. It is also a lonely illness. So many people don’t understand depression. I’ve even met medical professionals who sadly don’t understand depression. Some people think it is just a sadness or something that a person can snap out of easily.  Depression is more than sadness. It is a painful darkness. It is an illness. One that requires treatment, which makes it even more upsetting that there are medical professionals that don’t understand depression. It is bad enough when the average person doesn’t understand, but just not right for medical professionals not to understand.

While I have never faked depression, I have faked being okay. That is how I managed to maintain a career all my adult life. I tried to push my depression into the background. I attempted to deny it. That only makes depression mad. Yes, an illness can get mad. When it does, it attacks even harder. That has been my experience with depression. When I have pushed it into the background and tried to fake being okay, depression has dealt me blows that have left me reeling. Faking being okay is difficult. The false smile, the pretending that nothing is wrong are part of dealing with the illness. We try to fake being okay because there is a lack of understanding about depression. 

“People don’t fake depression. They fake being okay.” How often have we been shocked to hear that someone has died by suicide. When Robin Williams died by suicide fans all over the world were shocked. He was America’s funny man. Like many of us, he faked being okay. I read that he once said, “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it is like to feel absolutely worthless, and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” I think a lot of us who live with depression can relate to this statement. We wouldn’t wish depression on anyone. It is a debilitating illness. It rips joy from our lives and leaves us in darkness. I didn’t know Robin Williams. I saw him on television and in movies. He made millions of people laugh. Yet, he knew the darkness. It takes a special gift and an understanding of what it likes to live in the darkness and still find a way to make people laugh.

Robin Williams offered a piece of advice that I would like to close this post with, “If you’re that depressed, reach out to someone, and remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” This is not to make light of depression. It can last a lifetime, but there is help available. There are treatment options. Even those of us who are treatment resistant can find healing in non-traditional treatments. 

Remember even if someone is smiling, know that they could be hiding depression. So, always be kind. You don’t know what another person is dealing with. 

Forest Bathing

                  The other day I was scrolling Instagram. It is an unhealthy habit I have developed. Despite it not being very healthy, it does occasionally provide benefits. I learn about new things. Some of those things turn out to be things I can apply to my own life.  The other day I saw a post about forest bathing for mental health. I was intrigued. 

                  Forest bathing stems from the Japanese practice of shinrin-yoku. This practice involves “immersing yourself in the atmosphere of the forest” (The Cleveland Clinic). It is more than just walking through the forest. The practice requires participants to engage in the forest with all their senses. Forest bathing was started in 1982. Its basis lies in three traditional Japanese concepts: 1) Yogen, which means “being so keenly aware of the beauty of the world around you that the deep emotions you feel can’t be expressed with words,” 2) Komorebi, which is translated as “sunlight through trees”. This is a description of the relationship between the sun and the leaves, 3) Wabi sabi, which “celebrates the beauty of imperfection and impermanence.” (The Cleveland Clinic). 

                  The practice of forest bathing helps a person become in touch with the present moment in a deep way. Susan Albers, PsyD is quoted as saying, “The sights, sounds, and smells of the forest take us right into that moment, so our brains stop anticipating, recalling, ruminating and worrying.” (The Cleveland Clinic). She explains the experience as being similar to mindfulness. 

                  There is research that indicates forest bathing can improve stress, depression, and anxiety. I’m not going to get into the research here, but it is out there. I find it hopeful that depression can be improved in the forest. I think back to my college years when I lived in Humboldt County surrounded by the Redwood Forest. Those were the happiest years of my life. I still lived with depression, but those years were the time when I dealt with it the best. Could the forest have been helping me? Perhaps it was. 

                  The research I read indicated that mental health benefits required frequent and consistent walks in the forest. That is not something that is doable for most of us. Many of us do not live close to a forest. One way to take a step in that direction if you live in an urban area is to walk in nature or at a park. 

                  The Cleveland Clinic recommends some ways you can bring green space into your home if you don’t have access to any:

 

·      Open windows to let fresh air in.

·      Add a few potted plants.

·      Use a candle or oil diffuser that has a forest smell.

·      Add rocks, shells, pinecones, or crystals to your space.

·      Walk barefoot outside to physically connect to the earth.

 

Right now, I am thinking I need to take a trip up to Humboldt County. The forest is calling me. I know that is not feasible at this time, but I can imagine myself there. Perhaps visualizing myself walking through the forest will bring me some benefit. I remember being in awe at how the sun shined through the forest canopy. I always felt a sense of peace around the giant redwood trees. I wish I could capture that feeling and keep it with me. 

As someone who doesn’t benefit much from medication, forest bathing is intriguing. Angeles National Forest isn’t too much of a drive for me. Maybe I need to try immersing myself in this forest. I imagine it can’t hurt. Forest bathing could be just the thing I need to gain added benefits to my depression treatment. I still think I hear the Redwood Forest of Humboldt County calling me. I wonder if I could convince my health insurance to pay for a trip up there as a therapeutic necessity. Probably not, but I can dream.

I encourage all of us to connect with nature. There is something to be said for escaping the hustle of our urban lives. The benefits are worth it. 

 

(Source: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-forest-therapy-can-be-good-for-your-body-and-mind)