A Look at Cancer’s Effects

            Things change when you have cancer.  I am at my favorite coffee place. One of the baristas I have known for years didn’t recognize me because I am bald.  I guess without my hair I am unrecognizable.  It is strange how much hair can make a difference in our appearance.

            There are other changes forced upon me by cancer.  Some changes are ones only I notice.  Others are plain to see.  Stamina is one change.  I can no longer walk like I used to.  Before cancer I could walk for an hour.  Now, I can barely make it to corner and back.  I get winded and my legs ache.  I went to the grocery store yesterday for the first time in a while. I found myself relying on the grocery cart for support.

            I become fatigued so easily.  In the past I was somewhat of a night owl.  Now, I head to bed around 8:00.  I need more sleep.  Eight hours is not enough.  It is strange to need so much sleep when in the past I could get by on four to five hours a night.  Now, I do less and need more sleep.

            There are a lot of changes caused by cancer and chemotherapy that had never occurred to me.  My sense of taste is one.  Most foods have no taste.  Others taste like metal.  Eating is no longer pleasurable.  I eat tasteless foods just because I need to eat.  My doctor says my sense of taste will eventually return.  I hope so.  It seems like such a little thing, but it bothers me.  

            As a result of chemo, I bleed more easily.  Every day my nose bleeds.  It is more annoying than anything.  I am not losing a lot of blood, but it still requires attention.

            My nose is constantly congested.  It drips.  So, I always have a tissue in hand.  The congestion is from the chemo.  I am not sick.  At least not with a cold or the flu.

            My eyes water constantly.  It is distracting.  The watery eyes blur my vision making it difficult to read and write.  I also have little bumps called millia on the rims of my eyelids.  They are irritating.  The gel prescribed to heal the bumps blurs my vision, too.  I never would have imagined that breast cancer would affect my eyes. 

            The skin on my face and arms is discolored from the chemo.  It started as a rash.  The rash was an angry red and raised in spots.  It required medicated cream to reduce the redness.  Now, it is patchy dark brown skin.  I hate looking in the mirror.

            My skin is dry.  I have gone through a lot of body cream and lotion.  It never seems to be enough.  The dry skin makes the dark patches look and feel worse.

            The ache in my upper legs is another effect of the chemo.  It is bad enough that I frequently need to take pain killers.  The ache adds to my difficulty walking.  Even walking on flat ground feels like I am walking uphill.

            Nausea is the most annoying side effect of the chemo.  I hate the feeling.  Not only does the chemo cause nausea, but now my anxiety about the cancer and chemo is causing nausea.  As I transition from chemo into targeted treatment, the nausea is still there.  I can’t seem to escape it.  Nausea is a terrible feeling.

            Chemo and the pain killers I need to take cause constipation.  I won’t get into that.  Suffice it to say it is uncomfortable and even landed me in the emergency room early on. 

             My intent in sharing all these effects of cancer and chemo is not to gain sympathy.  My point is that when you have cancer you deal with a lot that you didn’t even consider.  It is a cruel illness.  Cancer takes away so much.  It changes people.  I haven’t even touched on how it has affected my mood or my perspective on life.  Those are impacted, too, but that is for another post.  In many ways I am a different person than I was when I was first diagnosed.  I have learned to deal with a lot.  It has been a battle.  It is a battle I will continue to fight.

            I am grateful to all who have supported me including my oncology team, my mental health team, my family and friends, my colleagues, and the support group I attend.  Cancer cannot be fought alone.  It requires a team approach.  I would not be doing as well as I am doing if it were not for my support system.  As I continue to battle cancer, I know I cannot give up.  I know I need to trust my team.  Take life moment by moment and dance atop cancer.  That is the only way to live.  

            

            

                                                   New flowers on my hair grave. Sometimes

                                                   we need rituals and symbols to help us 

                                                   through difficult times.   

Reflecting on My Life As It Is Now

    I looked in the mirror earlier. My bald head reminded me that I have cancer. The discoloration of the skin on my face and arms is another reminder. I don’t like to look at myself. It’s not as much that the cancer bothers me. I guess that’s not really true. It does bother me, but I’m responding well to treatment. My oncologist said I’m doing well. For the most part, I just don’t look in the mirror. In my house I go without a hat. In public I cover my bald head with a cap. I do that more to protect my head from the sun. I’m bald. No use hiding it. I don’t wear a wig. I don’t see the point. I am who I am and right now I am bald. 

Looking in the mirror just brings my reality into the forefront. Since my oncologist says I am responding well to treatment, I have hope. Still, I don’t know what the future holds. It’s scary. I’m not in control. The cancer is. When I look in the mirror, I am reminded of that. I just need to avoid the mirror. Although, the only mirror in my house is in my restroom, a room that is hard to avoid. 

I try to focus on other things. I write as often as I can. That helps. It doesn’t distract me as much as it helps me process my thoughts.  Writing is good for me. That’s why I’m writing this. Keeping this blog up helps me deal with both the cancer and the depression. So, I keep writing. My hope is that reading my blog helps others as much as it helps me to write it. 

Cancer and depression both can take my life away from me. Every day is a battle. Some days are easier than others. I do my best to avoid triggers like the mirror. I rest when the cancer and its treatment are bearing down on me. I take things moment by moment. I talk to my mental health and oncology teams when I need support. I lean on family and friends. It’s a new lifestyle for me. 

I have goals. I want to watch my niece and nephew become adults and find happiness in their lives. I hope to watch my niece hit a home run in one of her softball games. Actually, just seeing her smile on the field would be enough. I want to see my former students graduate this spring and next spring. I want to find joy in work when I’m able to work again. I want to publish another book. I want to enjoy time with my family and friends. I want to travel to Italy. I think my friend and goddaughter are going to go with me. I thought I would have to go alone. Now, I will have companionship on the trip. I want to advocate for mental health care. I want to share the healing power of writing. 

Cancer has shown me that there is so much to live for. Depression had been hiding all of this from me for years. It took facing my own mortality to realize I have a reason to live. Depression still gets in the way at times. I guess it will always try. It’s just the hand I’ve been dealt.

I don’t know how many of my goals I will achieve, but I’m going to make every effort to achieve them. Cancer has awakened something in me. It has given me a fighting spirit. I know I will battle cancer and depression for the rest of my life. I’m ready for the fight. I have a strong support system. I have the will to live. Hey cancer and depression, watch out!

 

It’s Okay Not to Be Okay During the Holidays

           It is that time of year when holiday expectations can be difficult for those of us living with mental illness. It is never an easy time for me.  My depression tends to get worse at this time of year.  Even this year when I have so much to be grateful for, I can feel the depression making its presence known.  The voice of depression was in my head last night as I was trying to sleep.  It is a loud voice.  Or maybe it just seems loud because it is so insistent.  I do my best to talk back to the depression.  I try not to listen to it even though it is hard.

            One thing I have learned this year is that it is okay not to be okay.  During the past year I have really struggled with my depression, especially the first half of the year.  Cancer took over the second half of the year and distracted me from some of the depression.  Through my mental health team, I have learned that even though I am depressed, I am still human.  They have taught me that it is okay to be depressed.  It is an illness.  It is not who I am.  The support of Dr. Klein, Dr. S, Stephanie, and Cristina has brought me out of the darkness.  Even on my worst days they let me know it is the illness and not me.  

            The support of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has also taught me this lesson.  Even when depression is at its darkest, it is okay.  There is a light of hope waiting for us.  There is support out there.  Whether it is through psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists or through groups like NAMI, people care and want to support those of us with mental illness.  Sometimes it is hard to remember that, but they keep reminding us.  I know I can find support when I reach out to my team or to NAMI. 

            Knowing that it is okay not to be okay is especially important during the holiday season.  The holidays as I have mentioned in other posts can be difficult for many of us.  The thoughts I was having last night remind me of how hard it is to navigate the holidays.  I try to remind myself that I have gotten through holidays every year so far.  I can do it again.  However, I do need help.  I have found leaning on my team and a support group help.  Writing about my depression helps.  Focusing on the gratitude I feel for how I am making progress in my fight against cancer helps me through this time.  

            Each one of us faces different emotions during the holidays.  For some of us it is depression.  For others, it is grief and remembering those who have been lost that make the holidays difficult.  I have a dear friend and a special cousin who deal with loss at this time of year.  Our struggles are not that different. We feel our emotions deeply.  Others struggle with addiction.  No matter what our struggle is during the holiday season, we are allowed to feel it and deal with it in our own ways.  There is no one way to deal with not being okay during the holidays.  The one thing that matters is that we recognize that it is okay not to be okay.  The holidays don’t have to be merry and bright.  For some of us the holidays are spotted with darkness.  For others that darkness is all-consuming.  Whatever we are facing, it is okay.  We need to take each moment as it comes.  One moment at a time.  Take life at our own speed.  We need to accept that the darkness is a part of our experience.  Those of us with mental illness can remind ourselves that it is an illness.  Those suffering from a loss can remind themselves that losing a loved one hurts for a long time.  The one thing we all have in common is the knowledge that it is okay not to be okay.  So, during this holiday season, give yourself a break.  Remind yourself that it is okay to struggle during the holidays.  In fact, it is okay to struggle at any time of the year. 

            If you have a support system, reach out to them.  If you are looking for a support system, try reaching out to NAMI (https://www.nami.org/Home).  They have excellent resources and support groups.  I have benefitted from them.  I have even given back by volunteering with NAMI.  

            This holiday season enjoy what you can, feel what you need to.  Take the time to take care of yourself.  Remember, it is okay to not be okay.  

Live Every Moment

            I was chatting with one of my friends tonight.  We were discussing life with cancer.  She is a cancer survivor.  She said that we need to live every moment we have.  It made me think about where I am in my cancer journey.  My oncologist is pleased with how I have responded to treatment.  Overall, I am doing well despite my stage 4 diagnosis.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  I also have a lot to live for.  

            After our conversation I thought about what my friend said.  We do have to live every moment.  I may have cancer, but I can still live.  Depression has held me back most of my life, but my cancer diagnosis has provided me with a lot to reflect on.  I realized that I have a lot of living to do.  I don’t know how much time I have left.  Hopefully, I have a lot of time left.  What I do know is that I am going to start living every moment.  I am going to do things I have always wanted to do.  I am going to discover things I didn’t know I wanted to do.  

            There is a song by one of my favorite bands, REO Speedwagon, titled “Live Every Moment.”  I have listened to that song several times as I have battled cancer.  I didn’t realize how impactful it was until today.  In the song there is a line, “Live every moment, love every day.”  That is what I am going to start doing.  I think focusing on living every moment and loving every day is a good approach to cancer and depression.  I’m not saying it is going to be easy.  I will still have rough days.  I will still get down at times.  But that is okay.  I will focus on making each day the best it can be.  Maybe I’ll listen to the song each morning to get me motivated.  

            What does living every moment mean?  I’m not completely sure, but I am going to find out.  One thing I am going to do is focus on what I want to do and what makes me happy.  Living with depression as long as I have makes finding happiness difficult.  I think it will help me to start thinking about what makes me happy.  Writing makes me happy.  So, one thing I am going to focus on is starting to write a new book.  I have a story to tell.  Writing this blog makes me happy.  I am going to extend it into a book about my cancer journey.  

            I am going to plan a trip to Italy.  I want to see Calabria, which is where my family is from.  I have always wanted to visit Calabria.  Now is my chance.  If I don’t do it soon, I may not have the opportunity.  I have already been using an app on my phone to learn Italian.  I don’t know if anyone will go with me or if I will venture off on my own.  Either way, I am going to live every moment by traveling to Italy. There are several places I would like to see in Italy.  It is time that I stopped thinking about it and just go.

            Another thing I would like to do is devote my time to mental health advocacy.  I have given 26 years to a career in education.  Something is missing.  My passion is in mental health advocacy.  I want to use my experience with mental illness to help others.  I’ve written books and given talks about mental health, but I haven’t done enough.  I’m going to live every moment by venturing into more advocacy work.

            I’ve never thought of myself as artistic, but I’ve explored some creative activities in the last couple of years as a way to alleviate my depression.  I enjoy it.  I want to live every moment by exploring my creativity.  I want to try more painting and bookmaking.  Maybe I can combine my writing with art.  

            Living every moment and loving every day can be found in little things, too.  Walking through a garden or along the beach and viewing artwork in a museum can be living every day.  It is about enjoying life.  Finding the little things and the big things that make me happy.  I am going to love every day when I can.  On the days that I can’t, I’ll give myself space.  I will allow myself to find my passions.  I will be grateful for what I am able to do while I am able to do them.  At some point cancer may take that ability away from me.  Depression will throw its weight around and make it difficult at times.  In the meantime, I am going to live every moment and love every day.  I’ll let my friend know that I am grateful that she made me think about all of this.  I will live for me because that is why we are alive.  We are not guaranteed a specific amount of time.  What matters is what we do with the time we are given.  I am going to make that time matter.  

More On Depression During the Holidays

           On Monday I wrote about depression during the holidays.  It is such an important topic.  One that doesn’t get enough attention.  So, I wanted to expand on it in today’s post.   

            Depression and other mental illnesses do not take a break for the holidays.  In fact, many people experience a worsening of symptoms.  I cannot speak for everyone with a mental illness, but I can say in all honesty that my depression and anxiety increase during the holidays.  It feels like the weight of my mental illness gets heavier.  My negative thoughts become more intense.  There is a seasonal form of depression, but that is not what I have.  Although many people do. My diagnoses are major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.  These two illnesses make the holidays difficult for me. They make life difficult year-round.

            Let’s start with the lights and decorations.  Each winter holiday has its own decorations. They are everywhere.  You can’t go out in public without seeing bright decorations.  I know the decorations are beautiful and are meant to bring joy.  Unfortunately, they often trigger negative thoughts for me.  The voice of depression in my head says, “See all these beautiful decorations.  They are not for you.”  Often in December my friend and I will drive through a large neighborhood that goes all out with the holiday lights and decorations.  I marvel at their beauty. Then depression’s voice reminds me I don’t have decorations.  My life is not festive.  The depression prevents me from truly enjoying the lights and decorations.  

            I don’t remember the last time I decorated for the holidays.  It seems so pointless when it is just me and my depression at home.  I have no one to enjoy the decorations with.  Depression reminds me that it is the reason I am alone.  I have always isolated myself to avoid forcing others to deal with my depression.  

            It is the aloneness aspect of depression that makes holiday gatherings so difficult.  I feel down so often.  I am very aware of this.  I don’t want it to ruin the holidays for my family and friends.  I am often very reserved and quiet at holiday celebrations.  I limit my interactions.  All of this is driven by the depression.  It is a faceless thief of all that is important in life.  I often leave early because I don’t want my depression to ruin the day for others.  

            Celebrations and holiday gatherings remind me of how alone the depression has caused me to be.  These thoughts just make the depression worse.  I see others enjoying their time together.  I wonder why I can’t be that free with my enjoyment. I question why I can’t celebrate with others.  My mind gets busy.  The depression has a running monologue in my head.  It is uncomfortable at best.  Painful at its worse.  

            I would love to enjoy the holidays.  I have memories of family gatherings as a child before the depression.  I can’t recreate those times.   It would be nice if the depression would take a break for the holidays and allow me to create new memories.

            This year I am trying harder to silence my depression.  Part of that has come from having cancer.  I realize that I don’t know how many holidays I have left.  Cancer could take me away whenever it wants.  That knowledge has led me to want to fight the depression.  It is not going to be easy.  I am already struggling. Depression is an illness that I have.  Just like I am fighting cancer, I need to fight the depression.  There will be bad days.  That is part of having an illness. I need to remind myself that depression is an illness.  I am not my depression.  By talking back to the depression and using other coping strategies, I will get through this holiday season.  I have set a goal for myself.  I am going to smile and enjoy my niece and nephew this year.  This goal isn’t overwhelming.  I can make it work.  I must believe that.

            If you are struggling with increased depression during the holidays, I encourage you to set one simple goal for yourself.  Focus on achieving that goal.  Use all the coping strategies you have in your arsenal to accomplish the goal.  Try to view setbacks as steppingstones.  That is how I am going to approach it. If I am not successful, it’s okay.  Depression is an illness and at times we need to let it run its course.  As we do that, we need to rely on our support systems.  Whatever that support looks like for you, lean on it.  Depression doesn’t have to be a solitary illness during the holidays or at any time.  I am learning that thanks to my support system.  

            If you do not have a support system or need more support, I recommend reaching out to NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).  They have great resources, and they provide support to all in need.  I am including a link to their website.  Search for the nearest chapter to you

NAMI:  https://www.nami.org/Home

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If NAMI isn’t something you are interested in, try speaking with your primary care provider.  He or she should be able to provide you with referrals.

The Holidays When You Are Depressed

            When thinking about the holidays people generally picture festive times.  That is often not the reality for people suffering from depression.  For most of my life the holidays have been a difficult time for me. I do have memories of large family celebrations when I was young, but they are just memories now.  Those memories get farther and farther away every year.  Family members have passed away.  Others have moved away.  For me it is more than just the loss of people.  My depression tends to become worse during the holiday season.  

            What does depression at the holidays look like?  It is not all that different from depression the rest of the year.  The difference is you see so many people celebrating and being happy, spending time with loved ones and friends and you wonder why can’t I be like that?  The smiles on other people’s faces that seem so natural is forced on my face.  Depression’s voice tells me I am not a part of all the festivities.  It reminds me that I am alone. Of course, I am alone because the depression created in me the belief that I need to protect others from my depression.  I cannot bring myself to celebrate with others.  I feel isolated even when I am with family or friends.  The depression keeps me from seeing the beauty in holiday lights and decorations. I feel down like I do the rest of the year, but now there is a layer of guilt to it.  There is this idea that I should be happy.  

            So, how does someone with depression cope with the holidays.  I use a variety of strategies to get through this time of year.  First, I make sure I am getting enough therapy. I need to talk through what I am feeling and experiencing. Therapy is important year-round, but it is especially helpful during the holidays when I question why I just can’t enjoy this time like so many others.  Setting boundaries is important, too.  If there is something I don’t want to do, I need to give myself permission not to do it.  If there are people who it is difficult to be around, I need to accept that it is okay to stay away.  

Another coping strategy is practicing gratitude.  I identify what I am grateful for and allow myself to express that gratitude.  Often, when we are grateful, we can feel a little better.  I can be grateful for the holiday memories I have even though I have lost many of the people who made those holidays special.  I can also be grateful for the people I do have in my life. One thing cancer has taught me is that there are more people in my life who care about me than I realized.  I am grateful for them.  This gratitude has led to me looking forward to spending time with them during this season.  

As always, writing is a great coping skill for me.  It took a lot of thought to write this post.  I had to consider the way I view the holidays as a person with depression.  I questioned myself and searched for positives.  I reviewed my coping strategies and realized that even though the depression will be present, I can find joy in the holidays.  I can focus on the smiles on my niece and nephew’s faces.  I can enjoy bringing joy to my mom with a special gift.  I processed these images by journaling.  Getting it out of my head and onto paper makes it real.  I can see that there are good parts of the holidays.  It is not all depression.

One other coping strategy that I find useful is creating art. I have found that making artistic gifts provides me with joy.  I have started that process and look forward to making more gifts.  The creating is calming for me.  There is the added benefit of making someone smile when I give them a handmade gift.  

Even with all my coping strategies, the holidays will have their difficulties for me.  That is a part of depression.  It is up to me to manage it the best I can.  I will rely on mental health team at times.  Lean on friends and family at other times.  This year has already started out differently.  Cancer was added to the mix. Having stage 4 cancer has taught me to value life.  While cancer sucks, it has forced me to reflect.  That reflection has led me to appreciate life and all it has to offer.  I have realized all that I have missed out on over the years.  I can’t get any of that back, but I can make efforts to make this holiday season and my future better.  I can enjoy all that I have in my life even when depression makes that difficult.  Cancer has provided me with a new lease on life and it starts with the holiday season.  Depression and cancer are a part of my life, but they don’t have to rule it.  I’ll fight back against the depression this year.  Enjoy what I can and be okay with it when I can’t.

 

Shame in Mental Illness

           I have spent a lot of time thinking about the changes I have gone through since my cancer diagnosis.  It has allowed me to reflect on my depression and how it has shaped my entire life.  I have come to some interesting conclusions.  Depression has engrained many thoughts within my mind.  I can’t speak for other mental illnesses, but I do have a better understanding of how depression and anxiety have shaped me.

            In the beginning I was too young to understand what was happening with the depression.  I didn’t have a diagnosis.  I didn’t have much support.  I had a high school counselor, who didn’t really understand and tried to fill my head with “happy” platitudes.  In hindsight she was doing the best she knew how, but I never believed her well-intended words.  This set the stage for depression’s negative voice.  This voice took control and has not let go.  It has been chirping in my head for almost 40 years.  

            Over the years the voice has provided several messages. Many of these messages have led me to feel shame for my mental illness.  Sometimes the depression is mimicking the words it hears from society.  They are those well-intended phrases like, “You should just cheer up,” “You have so much to be happy about,” “Just smile,” and “You shouldn’t be sad. Others have it worse.”  Depression uses these words to make me feel shame.  It makes me feel like I should have better control of my feelings and emotions.  There is this sense that I am causing the depression and not valuing my life.  It has taken me a very long time to realize that the thoughts and shame they create are not true.  

The thoughts are a part of an illness.  They are not my fault.  These thoughts drive me down into a deep darkness.  They have led me to the edge of suicide.  I do my best to fight the thoughts.  I work with my mental health team.  I practice talking back to my thoughts.  I practice self-care by writing, listening to music, painting, and walking.  Even with all this self-care depression makes me feel shame. I am learning talk back to the shame.  The understanding that my depression is an illness was deepened by my cancer diagnosis.  I began to see parallels between the two.  One illness affects my mind.  The other illness affects my body.  Both have taken a toll on me.  

So much of society hasn’t figured out that depression is an illness.  I believe this is true for most mental illnesses.  The lack of understanding makes it difficult to live with mental illness. It increases the shame.  At times I question why I feel so down.  I question why my thoughts are so dark.  I don’t understand why at times I consider taking my own life.  Being diagnosed and treated for cancer has provided some clarity.  I have gained an understanding of illness in general terms. I have been able to apply what I am experiencing with cancer to what I experience with depression. They are both illnesses.  They both have symptoms that I have no control over.  Depression and cancer are both illnesses. 

I wish it did not take a cancer diagnosis to allow me to arrive at this understanding. I am grateful for the understanding.  People with mental illness often live with shame.  The message we hear is that our illness is just in our heads and that is we can snap out of it.  That is not true. I can more snap out of depression than I can snap out of cancer.  I have two illnesses. I will continue to battle both, but I do not have to be ashamed of either one of them.  

The Importance of Support Systems

            Fighting two illnesses is difficult.  I would not be able to fight depression and cancer alone.  I need my support systems.  This lesson has taken time to learn.  When I was just fighting depression, my support system was much smaller.  It was just my mental health team, Dr. Klein, Dr. S, Stephanie, and Cristina.  This was mainly a result of stigma.  I was afraid family and friends would not understand my mental illness.  Depression is an illness that is not understood by the vast majority of society.  As a result, I kept my depression hidden.  I made up excuses when depression kept me from being able to socialize or work.  When depression prevented me from working Cristina, my primary care, would write my work excuse instead of my psychiatrist or psychologist.  This was intended to make people think I had a physical illness instead of a mental illness.  I knew my boss would not understand.  I didn’t want my colleagues to know the truth of my illness.  I was afraid. This is what mental illness stigma does.  In my case, as in so many others, it robbed me of a support system that may have helped me.  

            When I was diagnosed with cancer there was no hiding my illness.  There is no stigma surrounding cancer like there is surrounding mental illness.  I was free to be open about my diagnosis.  People don’t dismiss cancer.  I found support from family, friends, and colleagues.  Of course, my mental health team was also right by my side.  I gained the additional support of an oncology team.  Now, I have a support system.  It is larger than I could ever have expected.  I am no longer alone.

            With the emergence of a support system for my cancer diagnosis, I find myself able to be open about my depression.  People remain by my side.  There is no running away from me because I have a mental illness.  Even people I never expected to understand what I am going through are supportive.  I have found a supportive system that supports me in both my illnesses. 

            My family, friends, and colleagues have been amazing.  So many members of my family have been helping me, providing care and support.  For so long I thought I was alone.  As a single person with no children, I have always felt distanced from family.  I felt as if I was just an accessory.  I was by myself.  Fortunately, that has changed.  For the first time I feel like I belong in my family and that my family considers me to be more than just a loner.  Many have reached out, supported me, taken care of me. It feels good to know I am loved. 

            My friends have been great.  They text and call me.  They visit me.  They ask how I am doing.  I feel like I am part of my circle of friends even though I am too weak to do much with them.  It means a lot to me to be able to talk to my friends about my illnesses.  I can share how I am feeling physically and mentally.  That is something I have never been able to do before.  I know they are trying to understand.  I don’t need to hide my mood.  It is okay for me to admit feeling down.   My friends do their best to understand.

            Colleagues have also been supportive.  I receive messages of hope from them.  They gathered together and donated to help me as I am not able to work.  Their words of encouragement help me stay positive.  I miss my colleagues.  It is weird to not be able to work.  I know I have their support.

            Of course, my medical team, both mental and physical, is a vital part of my support system.  Talking to them brings me hope.  Their work brings me healing.  Having the best doctors and nurses is important.  They work together to address my mental and physical health.  This connectedness makes a difference in the battle against two illnesses.  One cannot heal without the other.  I need my team addressing both my mental and physical health.  I need to be able to share how my mood is affecting me with my oncologist.  Likewise, I need to be able to discuss how the cancer is affecting my mood withs my psychiatrist, psychologist, and psychiatric nurse practitioner.  They treat me as a whole person.  My illnesses do not exist in isolation.  The illnesses need to be approached as interconnected by my team.  I am lucky that that is happening.

            I also attend a support group on Zoom.  This is a form of support I wasn’t expecting.  My oncologist’s office connected me with this organization.  It has been beneficial to talk with other people fighting stage 4 cancer.  I have learned a lot.  I have also been encouraged and provided with hope.  

            Having a support system is an important part of facing any illness.  It is crucial when facing two illnesses.  I don’t take my support system for granted.  I am grateful for every single member of my support system.  I know I would not be doing as well as I am without each of them. 

            Sadly, I am aware that many people fight illnesses without a support system.  As I mentioned in a recent post, I want to advocate for support systems.  I want to work to provide people who have mental illness or cancer with stronger support systems.  I feel called to this work.  If, no, when, I beat cancer, I am going to dedicate myself to working to provide support systems for people fighting illness.  In doing so, I will also be helping myself heal.