I often spend time thinking about my mental health. I have been through a lot in the near 40 years that I have been living with mental illness. It has not been easy. My life is a series of ups and downs. Sometimes my mental health is in a good place. Other times I am near rock bottom. Then there are the in between times. Those in between times are probably where I dwell most often. The thing about mental illness is that it will teach you a lot if you listen. In all honesty, I do not always want to listen. Sometimes the pain is too much, but I have found that when I listen, I learn a lot about this journey I am on, who I am, and how I can help others who live with mental illness.
As I sit in front of my computer screen, I am not sure which lesson to start with. There are many. I think I will start with what might be the most important. Actually, the lessons are all important. This one just deals with the big picture. Simply put, I have learned that I love being alive. This knowledge is important because I have been to the edge where suicide seemed like my only option many times. There have been times when my mental health team or a loved one has had to reach out and gently pull me back from that edge.
When I reflect on those moments, I realize that each time it was the depression screaming in my head that life was not worth living. It was not my own thoughts that were driving me. Recently, I heard a song that really got me thinking about all the times I have been on the edge and thought ending my life was the only way out. The song is “Bein’ Alive” by Melissa Etheridge. I think it is a new song. Let me share the part of that song that really hit me, although the whole song really speaks to me.
Then there were times I was down on my knees
Sayin', "This is gonna break me, this is gonna bleed for a while"
Then hours turned to days
And it all blew away
And I chose to survive
God, I love being alive
That line, “And I chose to survive” hits me. While my mental health team pulls me back from the edge of harming myslef, in the end I am the one who choose to survive. Yes. I need their support, but ultimately, I am the one who has decided I want to survive the pounding voice of depression. And you know what? When I am in a good place, and even during the in between times, “I love being alive.” I realize there are reasons to enjoy life. So, I think the lesson I can share from this is that there are going to be difficult times, but we can pull through those times and enjoy being alive.
Another lesson I have learned is that we do not need to be alone. I often feel alone. I do not have a partner in life. My friends are often busy with their own lives. A lot of my family is either spread out or has their own lives to live. So, I spend a lot of time alone. I understand loneliness. Depression likes to feed off that loneliness. Sometimes that is when its power over me gains strength. As part of the lesson that we do not need to be alone, it is important to recognize when we need to reach out for support.
There was a time when I did not have a support system. My pain was deep, but I did not know there was support out there. I did not know that I could reach out for the support I needed. I have since found that reaching out is important when you live with mental illness. We cannot fight this illness alone. That part of the lesson really hit home for me when I was diagnosed with cancer. I was never alone in my cancer fight. I had the support I needed. As I was going through that I realized how important that support was for my mental illness battle.
The important thing about reaching out for help is it allows us to build a support system for those times when we cannot get through things on our own. Support systems will look different for each of us. My support system has grown over the years, but it started small. At first, I only had my psychologist. He “carried” me through a lot and is still walking with me on this journey. Now, I have others who are a part of my support system. They buoy me when I struggle. They ensure that my treatment plan is adjusted when it needs to be. They provide the treatment. Sometimes it is just talking or emailing with one of them. I would be lost if I did not know I have a support system I can reach out to when I am struggling. An important lesson I have learned about mental illness is that I cannot fight it alone. I need to know that I can reach out. I need to know when to reach out and to trust that my support system will be there for me. This requires me to be okay with reaching out.
I know I am lucky to have the incredible support system that I have. What if you do not have a support system? How do you create one? Before you try to create a support system, it is important to understand that you have choices. You can choose who is a part of your support system. You get to be comfortable with these people. It may take some work to develop the connections with your support system that allows you to trust them. Let’s look at a few steps to take when developing a support system.
First, tell yourself that is okay to reach out. If you are in crisis, a good first step is to call the 988 lifeline. If you are in danger or feel you may hurt yourself, call 911. These calls can lead to connections with mental health care provider, and more importantly will keep you safe in these times.
What if you are not in crisis? There are few ways you can start building a support system.
· Make an appointment with your primary care provider. Discuss the feelings and emotions you are dealing with. Ask for a referral to a mental health professional.
· If you do not have a primary care provider, you can go to an urgent care facility. A medical practitioner there can refer you to a mental health provider.
· Some medical insurance programs will provide you with list of mental health providers in their network. Ask for this list. Then select a few providers from this list and look them up online. You might be able to find information about the provider and their practice. There may be reviews that can help you.
· Contact groups such as NAMI. This organization has support groups, classes, and other programs to help people living with mental illness and their loved ones.
Once you have found a mental health provider it is important that you are honest
with them. They need to know what you are going through if they are going to be able to provide the support you need. I realize that sometimes it is hard to talk about what our mental illness is doing to us. We might feel embarrassed or like we should not be struggling. It is important that we push these ideas behind us. Creating a support system requires honesty and a willingness to accept support.
So, two of the most important lessons I have learned while living with mental illness are that want to live and that I need a support system I can rely on. I believe these are two of the most important things for any of us living with mental illness. Life is worth living and it is okay if we need support to live fully.
I keep hearing those lyrics written and sung by Melissa Etheridge, “And I chose to survive/God, I love being alive”. When we realize that we want to live and that we really do love life, we need to do whatever is necessary to be alive. Support systems are part of being alive for some of us. That is okay. So, I guess mental illness has taught me important lessons. It has taught me that I love being I alive and that life is worth living even when mental illness tries to tell me it is not. I hope that if you are struggling, you can find the support to learn that you love being alive.
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