“And I won’t give up if you don’t give up” – Train, from the song, “Calling All Angels”
In my last post, Choosing to Stay Alive When Depression Says to Give Up, I discussed not giving up when you live with depression or other mental illnesses. Today I would like to expand on that discussion. The lyric, “I won’t give up if you don’t give up” (Train), can also be applied to daily life with mental illness. We face constant challenges. Knowing that there is someone, or even more than one person, who won’t give up on us makes a huge difference in our lives.
One of the challenges is remembering to take our medication or sometimes just being willing to take our medication. This can be difficult, especially if we need to take one at time when we are occupied with other things. It can also be difficult if the medication has side effects or makes a feel a way we do not like. Taking medication can be difficult if we are not seeing quick enough improvement. It is easy to give up on medications. Frustration can lead to giving up on the medication. We may need a mental healthcare provider to encourage us and not give up on us. That mental health provider can show they are not giving up on us by helping us set up a strategy to remember to take our medication. They can help us deal with side effects. They can listen when we explain how those side effects are impacting us and offer solutions.
Another challenge might be wanting to give up on doing things that are healthy for us. This might include engaging with others, self-care activities, or coping strategies. It might also include going to work or going on a vacation. There are times, sometimes frequent, when we want to give up on these activities. For example, when I am struggling with my depression and/or anxiety I often give up on self- care activities. I may not want to get out of bed or may not want to take a shower. I may under- or overeat. In moments like these having a friend who won’t give up on me is important. A friend can show they are not giving up on us by reminding us to engage in self-care activities or by doing one of our coping strategies with us.
Let’s look at some other things a friend or loved one can say or do to show that they won’t give up on someone living with depression or other mental illness. Here are some ideas:
What You Can Say
“I’m no expecting you to be okay right now. I’m here for you however you need me.”
“I care about you even on the quiet or hard days.”
“What can I do for you?”
“I may not fully understand what you are going through, but I want to understand.”
“You don’t need to earn my support.”
“I’m not going anywhere just because things are difficult.”
“Would you like to talk, sit quietly, or be distracted together?’
“Do you need me to talk or listen?’
What Can You Do
· Follow through on promises, even small ones.
· Sit with them during difficult times. Just be present. You don’t need to try to fix anything.
· Learn about your loved one’s or friend’s condition. This will help you understand what they are going through and let them know you care enough to learn.
· Treat them like a whole person, not only as someone who is struggling.
· Engage in a coping strategy with them. For example, if going for a walk is one of their coping strategies, offer to walk with them.
· Stay in contact even if they withdraw. Don’t disappear until they feel better. Send a check-in text or make a quick call or stop by.
· Offer specific help. This might be something like:
o “I can drive you to your appointment.”
o “I can put a reminder on my phone and text you to remind you take your medication.”
o Offer to help them with something that might be causing anxiety or a sense of overwhelm.
Those of us with depression or other mental illness are more likely to feel supported when we are believed, when we are not judged for our symptoms, when we are not punished for struggling, and when we are allowed dignity and autonomy. This is how you show you are not giving up on us.
As you can see the challenges facing many of us with mental illness are not always suicidal thoughts. Sometimes the challenges are the day-to-day things. When we are struggling we need to know that there are people in our lives who won’t give up on us. Believe me it is easy to give up on ourselves when we live with depression. The depression we live with often speaks negatively towards us. It might say that medication or treatment won’t work. We start to believe it and don’t take the medication. We might not go to a treatment appointment or therapy appointment, if we find ourselves giving up on it and believing it won’t work. If one of these are happening, we might need reassurance from our mental healthcare provider. That reassurance is being told they won’t give up, if we don’t give up. It might be the psychiatrist saying, “Let’s try this. What do you think about that?” These words let us know that our psychiatrist is still trying. If we see them trying, it can help us not give up.
The same is true with therapy. It may be as simple as the psychologist/therapist/counselor saying, “Let’s talk about this.” That shows interest. When we see someone is interested in us, it lets us know that they have not given up on us, which encourages us to not give up on ourselves.
It is not just the mental health professionals who can show that they are not giving up on us. As I mentioned friends and loved ones can encourage us and show us they have not given up on us. It might be that extra call or text to see how we are doing. Maybe it is an invite to do something together. It can also be asking, “Do you need me to talk or listen?” (See my post: How to Support Someone with Depression: What to Sat and How to Help). Just knowing that a friend or loved one is there lets us know they have not given up on us.
I consider myself lucky to have mental healthcare professionals who believe in me and who won’t give up on me. In all honesty, that is probably the main reason I am still here. It is the reason I have continued with therapy and treatment. Their suggestions and support are the reason I have so many coping strategies available when I am struggling. They let me know that they won’t give up on me. That encourages me to not give up.
The way a person communicates with us both verbally and nonverbally can let us know that they are not giving up on us. Words matter. Words can encourage us. Unfortunately, words can also push us down. We need people in our lives who will encourage us whether they are mental healthcare providers or friends and loved ones. This does not mean that they need to agree with everything we say or do. Sometimes showing that they won’t give up on us means saying or doing the hard things. We may need to be told that we are hurting ourselves in some way. We may need to be told that taking our medication or being in treatment or going to therapy is non-negotiable. That is not to say that we do not have input, but sometimes we need to be reminded that we have an illness and require certain things to heal.
I have found that most mental healthcare professionals are going to be there saying “I won’t give up if you don’t give up.” As I said, I know that the mental healthcare professionals involved in my care and treatment won’t give up on me even when I am at my darkest points. While not every mental healthcare professional is as dedicated to their patients as mine are, I believe most are. Have I experienced ones that are not as committed to not giving up on us? Sadly, the answer is yes. I have experienced this with a former psychiatrist. I have also experienced it with an oncologist who didn’t give me much of a chance at survival So, it happens in physical healthcare, too.
One thing I have learned through having great mental and physical healthcare providers is that I have a right to that type of care. It should be the norm that they don’t give up on us. I had to learn this the hard way. When I discovered that a former psychiatrist had basically given up on me and was just overmedicating me, I struggled. I had to learn that there are psychiatrists who won’t give up on me. Luckily, after a couple of years I found one. The same with my psychologist, I know he will never give up on me. He may tell me things I don’t want to hear at times, but those words are shared to show me he is not giving up on me and to guide me in the right direction. I am lucky to also have two psychiatric nurse practitioners who I know won’t give up on me.
I have a few friends and loved ones I now know I can turn to who won’t give up on me. That means the world to me. I wish that for everyone. That is why I talk to family groups and why I work to spread this blog to all who are willing to read. At some point in each of our lives we will encounter someone with depression or other mental illness. I hope I can educate people on what it is like to live with a mental illness and encourage them to not give up on those living with a mental illness.
As I said before, I know I am lucky to have all the care I have. I share my story in the hopes that it will help others. I hope others will see the type of care I have and understand that there are mental healthcare providers who won’t give up on us. I hope readers will take that understanding and reach out and demand the care I have.
I also hope that people understand that I won’t give up on them. You can always come to this blog for information, comfort, and understanding. My mental health is far from perfect. It is not where I want it to be at this point. Knowing this, I am working hard to keep myself from giving up on getting to where I want to be with my mental health. This requires me to not give up. Sometimes I need support in not giving up. When my mood drops or I have an anxiety attack, I often want to give up. In those moments I sometimes feel like I have done all I can do. In these moments I need to hear from someone on my mental health team or a friend or loved one that I am okay. I need them to say, “I won’t give up, if you don’t give up.” They may say this in different words or in actions, but the message is clear. I am not alone in this battle. And my friend, neither are you.