I discuss my mental illnesses a lot. I am not embarrassed to admit that I live with depression and anxiety. I understand these are illnesses. They are as much illnesses as the cancer I battled and still receive treatment for. I receive treatment for depression and anxiety in the same way. The treatments are different. For me mental health treatment involves therapy, a couple medications to keep things under control, TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), and esketamine. (I receive the last two at different times.) This is how I deal with my illnesses. My mental and physical illnesses both receive treatment because they are illnesses.
Why I Stopped Saying "My" Depression and Anxiety
Recently, my aunt asked me why I always say, “my depression”, “my anxiety”, and “my mental illness.” At first, I did not understand what she meant. I did not catch the way I use the word “my”. So, Aunt Holly said. “Why don’t you use ‘the’ instead of ‘my’?” You give away too much power when you say ‘my.’” Wow! Talk about power. Aunt Holly’s words struck me like a lightning bolt. Of course, while I am not afraid to admit that I live with these illnesses, they are not who I am. Why was I claiming ownership by using the word “my”? In that moment, I made a commitment to start saying “the” depression I live or “the” anxiety I experience. Just as I am not my cancer, I am not my depression or my anxiety. I have these illnesses, but they are not who I am. They do not define me.
Living with Depression and Anxiety Without Letting Them Define Me
Words have power. I am writer. I know the power of words. Despite this knowledge and all the writing I have done, I missed how much power I was giving to that two-letter word and how much of my own power I was losing. Yes, I live with depression and, but I do not want to own them. They are not who I am. Perhaps, the best way to say it is that I live with depression and anxiety, but I am not depression or anxiety. They are illnesses. They are not who I am.
Making this separation is not easy. I understand it and I want the separation, but I have lived with these two illnesses for so long. They have shrouded me in their darkness. I have suffered. For anyone who has never lived with depression or anxiety, we do suffer when we live with these illnesses. Life is not all doom and gloom. Life is not always being on edge. However, depression and anxiety cause a person to struggle.
Your Identity Is More Than Your Mental Illness
One way I can make the separation is to acknowledge that depression and anxiety make my life difficult, and they affect my life in a significant way, but they are not the entire story of who I am. There is a lot more to me. I am a writer, artist, teacher, friend, daughter, niece, cousin, sister, aunt, sister-in-law. All of these are unique parts of who I am. They make up the whole me. At times each of these is affected by the depression and anxiety I live with. In the same way, during the time I was the sickest with cancer, each of those unique parts of me was affected by the cancer. I can be each of these in full and life affirming ways and still live with depression and anxiety. The important thing for me to remember is that the depression and anxiety are not the “star” (Yes, stars can be negative.) of that role. Not all my writing is about depression and anxiety. Most of my art is about the beauty I can capture with paint. As a teacher, for the most part, I hide the depression and anxiety. In this role I am a special education teacher, who tries to do what is best for my students. As a friend, I want to enjoy good times with my friends. I have unique parts of my identity. Depression and anxiety may be along for the ride, but they are not who I am.
How to Separate Your Identity from Mental Illness
As I am writing this, I am realizing that while everything I have said is true, these things are not easy. A challenge I face is separating myself from the depression and anxiety that push so hard to overtake my life. It is not easy is to always allow myself to be that unique identity. How do I separate myself from illnesses that have been present in my life for almost 40 years? I think the fact that I am asking this question shows that I see the distinction? I think I can help others do that, too.
Let’s look at some ways to distinguish ourselves from mental illness. I say mental illness here because I believe this applies to more than just depression and anxiety.
· Name the Illness Without Becoming the Illness – It is important to name our illness. “Don’t say I feel like crap,” or “I’m in a bad mood.” Instead, say something like “Depression has me feeling like being alone today, “The level of anxiety I am experiencing today is high.” Speaking like this puts a name on the illness and separates it from you. It also allows you to frame how you are feeling in a more positive way, which is a step toward feeling better. We can recognize the illness without becoming the illness.
· Observe Your Thoughts and Challenge Mental Illness Symptoms – When we have a mental illness, thoughts are a part of the illness. It is important that we observe our thoughts and distinguish the thoughts for what they are. When we have thoughts such as “I can’t deal with this anymore,” or “I’ll never get better,” we can ask ourselves if this is true or if it is a symptom of the mental illness we live with. When we observe our thoughts and question those thoughts in this way, we are better able to recognize the separation between who we are and the illness we have. We start to acknowledge that our thoughts are frequently a symptom of mental illness, not an indication of who we are. For example, depression can cause me to think, “I want to die,” but I really want to live and feel better. The thought is the depression making its voice heard. It is important to talk back to that voice. Think of it like talking back to someone who is saying something negative to you.
· Remember the Parts of Yourself That Never Disappear – While mental illnesses, such as depression and anxiety, can affect different aspects of who we are, they do not take them away. Those parts that make us who we are still reside in us. Things such as our interests, our abilities and skills, our creativity, our technical abilities, the relationships that we have built, our philosophical and spiritual beliefs, and many other aspects of our lives are still there even when mental illness is making life difficult for us. These aspects of our lives may be obscured by the depression, anxiety, or other mental illnesses we live with, but they cannot fully take them away. By no means is it easy, but we can maintain the parts of us that make us who we are. We might have to be those parts in smaller ways at times, but they remain a part of us.
· Separate Symptoms from Your Character – This is similar to what I have already mentioned. It is important to remember that just as we are not the mental illness, we are not the symptoms. For example, the low energy and the difficulty functioning we may suffer from, do not mean we are lazy. When we have difficulty concentrating because our mind is being talked to by anxiety, we are not dumb. Another symptom that people who do not live with mental illness often do not understand is that just because we express suicidal ideation, we are not obsessed with death. Symptoms are thoughts, feelings, and actions caused by the mental illness. They do not define us or our character.
Mental Illness Is an Illness, Not an Identity
It is important to remember that when we are diagnosed with a mental illness, we are being told that we have an illness. We are not being given a new identity. I did not suddenly become “Depressed Gina” when I was diagnosed with depression. Instead, I was being given a reason for my symptoms. I had the symptoms of an illness. That illness is depression. Who I am as a person, my identity, is separate from that illness. We are not heart disease or cancer, or diabetes when we are diagnosed with one of these illnesses. It is not different when we are diagnosed with a mental illness.
Why Separating Yourself from Depression and Anxiety Matters
It is important to separate ourselves from depression and anxiety is important because we are so much more than our illnesses. We are unique individuals with interests, talents, and skills that transcend the illnesses that we cause us to suffer. If we want other to see us for who we really are, we need to separate ourselves from depression and anxiety. We can live with these illnesses and not become them. Of course, it is not easy. The stigma that surrounds us wants us to be our illnesses. Stigma stains these illnesses and attempts to stain anyone who lives with them. By separating ourselves from these illnesses, we are defining ourselves as unique individuals who are a valued part of society.
Final Thoughts: You Are More Than Depression, Anxiety, or Any Diagnosis
I have shared a few ways we can distinguish ourselves from the mental illnesses we live
with. When we live with any illness, mental or physical, that illness can consume our thoughts, feelings, and actions, as well as how you feel physically. Our identity can get caught up in any illness we face. I experienced this when I was fighting cancer. My life became consumed by cancer in so many ways. It was difficult to see myself as anything other than a cancer patient. Well, actually I saw myself as a depressed, anxious cancer patient. I have worked hard to separate myself from these illnesses. It is not easy, but it is important that we make the effort to separate. The work may be hard, but the result is worth it.
There will be times when we slip. Even in writing this post I caught myself typing that damn two-letter word in front of the words: depression, anxiety, mental illness, and cancer. I am work in progress. We all are. That is okay. I think of it like this all the great works of art, all the great pieces of literature, all the great songs were once works in progress.
