Depression Is Not a Matter of Willpower: Why “Just Try Harder” Doesn’t Work

Can Depression Be Overcome with Willpower?

                  Many of us who live with depression and/or anxiety have been told we just need to push through it or use willpower to overcome what is bothering us. I cannot stress enough how asinine this expectation is. The reasons this effort to “help” those of living with these mental health disorders are ridiculous are numerous. As someone who has experienced being told that I just need to tell myself that I am fine or that I just need to smile, I can speak at length on this topic. So, let’s look at the reasons why no one should be expected to use their willpower to overcome a mental illness.

Depression and Anxiety Are Real Medical Conditions

                  First and foremost, depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders are medical conditions. They have a biological basis in the brain and nervous system. As such, these disorders require psychological or psychiatric intervention. We cannot overcome depression by just saying we will overcome it. We cannot stop being anxious just by saying “I am not anxious.” It would be like telling someone with cancer to just think positive and the cancer will go away or telling someone with a broken bone to just focus on the bone mending. No one would do either of these. People recognize that medical professionals need to intervene to cure cancer or to set a broken bone. We need to build an understanding that mental health disorders require medical professionals in the fields of psychiatry and psychology to treat mental health disorders. 

                  There are coping strategies that are not medically or biologically based that can help ease some symptoms of mental health disorders. I have written about many on this blog. The difference between using a coping strategy and treating a mental health disorder is that coping strategies are focused on easing symptoms while treating a mental health disorder is focused on curing or dealing with the disorder itself. A coping strategy cannot make a mental health disorder go away. When a psychiatrist or other mental health professional treats depression, anxiety, or other disorder, they are focused on the origins of the disorder and how to alleviate symptoms to move the person toward healthier living.

Why “Just Think Positive” Can Make Depression Feel Worse

                  When a person tells someone with a depression, anxiety, or other mental health disorder to smile or try harder, it implies that the person is at fault. It calls out the person for not trying hard enough when that person has a medical condition that they did nothing to cause. These types of comments can create heavy self-blame in a person when their efforts are not enough. Imagine living with a condition that causes you to have negative thoughts and to feel a weight bearing down on top of you. Now, imagine living with that and having some tell you to think positive. When we live with mental health disorders our minds are already on overload with negative or anxious thoughts. Adding the expectation that we just need to think positive makes us feel worse. We feel like what we are feeling is somehow our fault. Our brains are wired to carry the negative. We do not need to have expectations that will lead to failure forced upon us.

                  Speaking for myself, I feel bad enough about living with depression and anxiety. My thoughts turn negative because of my disorders. There is a medical reason for my condition. If someone tells me I just need the willpower to stop the depression and anxiety, I am likely to shut down. I am going to feel pressure to do something that cannot be done without therapy and treatment. The person making these comments may have good intentions, but those intentions are lost in their inaccuracy and hurtfulness.

 

Why Telling Someone with Depression to “Try Harder” Can Be Harmful

                  Telling a person with a mental health disorder that they just need to try harder, or they need to think positive thoughts invalidates the pain the person is experiencing. It makes the false assumption that the mental health disorder can be healed with willpower. That makes it seem like the pain we experience is not real. Since mental health pain cannot be seen on the “outside”, it may not seem real to others. To the person experiencing the mental pain, it is very real. It can be debilitating. We cannot overcome things such as suicidal thoughts or intense anxiety just by saying we want to. Assuming we can, invalidates our pain and makes it seem like it is not real. Anyone who has experienced suicidal thoughts, intense anxiety, or deep depression can tell you how real these are. We do not need to be invalidated by others who do not understand.

How to Support Someone With Depression Without Invalidating Their Feelings

Living with a mental health disorder is difficult. Yes, we can reach points in our healing journey where we are doing well, but the disorder always lurks. We are always aware of it. If others recognized that what we experience is real and that willpower is not the answer to our problems, it would help us to feel accepted. It would reduce the stigma we feel. Trust me, we want to feel better. It is not a matter of wanting it enough or willpower. No amount of positive thinking can cure a mental health disorder. 

So, if you are reading this and you know someone with a mental health disorder, be careful in how you talk to them. Remember that their mental illness is a real illness and as such they need care from a mental health professional not a sermon on willpower.

 

 

Depression Has Terrible Customer Service: Learning to Stand Up to Depression

                One of the many things depression is not good at is customer service. Yes, customer service. I have a deeply personal relationship with depression and there are times when I need to ask it for something. Notice I did not say my depression. I am learning that since depression is an illness, it is not a part of who I am. So, I refer to it as its own entity. This entity is not very cooperative and can be downright rude at times. 

                  Here is an example. When I am working, I need depression to take a backseat to thoughts about work. There are times when depression says, “Nope, I am going to keep reminding you that I am here.” See what I mean? Terrible customer service. Can’t depression help me out a bit and keep the negative, self-defeating comments quiet while I am at work. Instead, depression whispers in my head. In these moments I do not think I am asking for too much. Can’t depression just take a break during my work hours? I do not need to hear how I cannot do things or how my life is not worth living when I am trying to earn my paycheck. Every morning, I ask depression to be kind and stay silent during my work hours. Sometimes I can hear depression’s sarcastic cackle in response to my simple request. It is just terrible customer service.

                  Another example is when I am trying to talk to one of my mental health providers and depression decides to put my mind in brain fog. It is so annoying. I will know that there are things I need to discuss with them, things I need support with, and damn depression, decides to play games with my ability to remember and get out what I need to say. Can you see how that is bad customer service? It hampers my ability to get the support I need to overcome depression. Exactly what depression wants. Its poor customer service resides in its desire to remain a part of my life. 

                  If depression had good customer service, I would not have as many setbacks as I do. I might even be able to say depression is not constantly haunting me. I often wonder why depression feeds off making me feel numb, hopeless, angry, down, negative, and at times suicidal. These are all so negative. Good customer service would lead to me feeling better most of the time. That is not depression’s goal. It wants to tear me down. So, I need to be that annoying customer who goes to customer service and raises hell. I need to give depression what it gives me. Not an easy task, but I have been working on it for years. Maybe I should reframe this as being persistent. Depression is that rude sales manager, who thinks they do not need your business. In reality, I do a fairly good job of standing up to depression. It is just in those moments when depression’s whispers grow louder, that it is difficult to put up with all the poor customer service. 

                  My treatments, therapy, medication, TMS, and esketamine, can be thought of as customer service trainings for depression. They teach it to treat me with more respect. They remind it that I am human and that there are limits to the pain I can handle. They teach depression to be a companion on life’s journey instead of a rude customer service manager. So, I continue to battle depression. Some days I win. Other days poor customer service wins out, but there is always a complaint form and a new day. 

                  This post was intended to be humorous. However, living with depression is not a joke. It is difficult. My hope in writing this post is to allow humor to infuse hope into battles with depression. If we can see depression as a separate entity, like a poor customer service manager, we can stand up to it. We can live better lives.  

 

 

 

 

Depression Is Not Rare: Debunking Common Depression Myths (Part 5)

                  Over the last few weeks, I have been trying to debunk common depression myths. This is the last in the series, but I think it encapsulates the whole series. Depression is more prevalent than most people think. As a society we need to pay attention to depression and make treatment available without stigma preventing people from receiving treatment.

                  According to 2021 data from the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) approximately 21 million adults in the United States have had at least one major depressive episode. This is about 8.3% of all adults. NIMH states that 10.3% of females have had a major depressive episode and 6.2% of males have had an episode. Depression is not limited to adults. The NIMH 2021 research 20.1% of youth aged 12-17 had at least one major depressive episode. This is approximately 5 million youth. These statistics clearly demonstrate that depression is not rare. 

                  Depression is not just an issue in the United States. Worldwide statistics show that over 300 million people live with depression. It is a leading cause of disability in the United States and worldwide. Many people with depression do not receive treatment. As a result, the NIMH and worldwide statistics may be low. 

                  When we consider the numbers of people who live with depression, it is likely that we each know people suffering from depression. There is research that indicates that 1 in 6 people will experience depression at some point in their lives. We likely work with, go to school with, and socialize with people living with depression. Consider the people around you. Someone around is living with depression. You may not know it, but you do know someone living with depression. If you remember from an earlier post in this series (Smiles and Appearances, The Masks We Wear: Debunking Common Depression Myths part 2), those of us with depression are adept at masking our depression. Just because you do not see the signs of depression in someone does not mean they are not living with it. Depression can be an invisible illness. In a 2023 post I wrote about living with an invisible illness and included a poem. Read it here: Living with an Invisible Illness. Just because we do not always see it, does not mean that depression is not prevalent.

                  The incidence of depression is rising. There are many reasons for this. The COVID 19 pandemic had an effect on the rates of depression. Social media use has impacted depression rates. While these two factors are not singular causes of depression, they do impact our emotional well-being. Depression is a medical diagnosis. It is a legitimate health concern that is impacted by social and technological factors. As we see changes in the use of social media and technology, we see increases in depression. The more social media and technology isolate us, the more prevalent depression will be. 

                  Greater awareness of depression is leading to better diagnosis, reduced stigma, and more people seeking help. This is important. Yes, with greater awareness, the numbers of people diagnosed with depression will increase. This indicates how large the prevalence of depression really is. Diagnosis leads to treatment. So, while greater awareness will lead to increase to higher prevalence of depression, it will also lead to more people receiving the treatment they need. Again, depression is not rare. 

                  As we look at the prevalence of depression, let’s remember that we do not always know when someone is living with depression. So, it may seem that depression is rare, but if we take the time to be truly aware, we will realize that depression is a common illness. Please remember that depression is an illness. We do not choose to live with depression. Be kind. There is someone in your family circle, someone in your work circle, and someone in your social circle who lives with depression. Be aware of the signs of depression. Depression is a common illness. Be compassionate. We never know what someone is dealing with. 

                  I hope you have found this series debunking common depression myths helpful. If you have missed a post, I encourage you to look back over the last few weeks. There are five posts in the series. I will include links to each post in the series. 

There are a lot of myths surrounding depression. I believe it is important that we work to debunk depression myths. It starts with awareness and compassion. Let’s all do our part to debunk these myths and improve life for people living with depression.

 

Links to the rest of the series:

Is Depression Just Sadness? Debunking Common Depression Myths (Part 1)

Smiles and Appearances, The Masks We Wear: Debunking Common Depression Myths (Part 2)

It's Not Just a Phase: Debunking Common Depression Myths (Part 3, Teen Mental Health)

You Can't Just "Snap Out of Depression": Debunking Common Depression Myths (Part 4)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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