Success Despite Depression

                  Yesterday one of my cousins asked me why I don’t share my successes as a person with depression with as much passion as I share my struggles. I paused to think about that statement. My cousin pointed out that despite my depression I have accomplished a lot, and those accomplishments might inspire others. As I pondered her comments, I realized I really have accomplished many things that I should be proud of and that might inspire others. 

                  I have shared how depression has made life difficult for me. I have battled most of my life. By no means has it been easy, but I have endured. It isn’t easy for me to think about my successes. Whether it is a result of the depression or life experiences, I don’t have the greatest self-esteem. I will try to share my successes anyway in the hopes that someone reading this will be inspired to keep fighting their depression or other mental illness.  It is difficult to work and engage in life with depression. Please know that it is not always possible. We can only do what we are able to do on any given day.

                  Perhaps my greatest success is that I am still alive. I have faced a lifetime of suicidal thoughts, but I’m still here. Depression has tried to end my life, but I have persevered and with the help of my mental health team I have talked back to the suicidal thoughts and lived. That is definitely a success.

                  Another accomplishment is teaching special education for 26 years. I managed to have a career despite the pangs of depression that haunt me. It wasn’t always easy, but I pressed on and hopefully had a positive impact on the students I taught. There were days when I didn’t want to be in the classroom. Days when I had to fight the thoughts in my head to get through the workday. During my career I was a mentor teacher. In that role I guided new teachers into the profession. I also earned National Board Certification as an education specialist. Really that is just a token honor, but it is something I had to work to achieve. I would like to believe that the students who entered my classroom and the teachers I mentored gained self-esteem and knowledge from me. 

                  Teaching was not always easy for me. Depression made many days difficult. It wasn’t until the last couple of years that I realized I could take time for my mental health. I put my teaching before my mental health needs for most of my career, which is something I regret. I am no longer teaching due to cancer, but I feel like I gave my teaching career my best despite living with depression.

                  Another accomplishment was coaching high school basketball and volleyball. When I was in college I wanted to coach basketball, but as my teaching career progressed, I gave up on that dream. About ten years ago I had the opportunity to coach basketball, and I took it. My win/loss record wasn’t great. It was mediocre, but I think I had an impact on the young women I coached. I tried to focus on self-esteem as much as the X’s and O’s of basketball. When a need arose, I stepped in and coached the boys’ team. According to a sportswriter at the LA Times, I was the first woman to coach a varsity boys basketball team in Southern California, a fairly decent accomplishment.  Despite not having a background in volleyball, I coached volleyball for one season when we didn’t have a coach. Coaching was fun for me, but it also was difficult. I had to maintain a positive demeanor at times when my depression was yelling in my head. I am grateful for the experience and the opportunity to work with young people in a sports environment.

                  Another accomplishment is writing five books. My books all deal with living with depression. They are my story. Writing has been important to me since I was in my teens. To publish books was a dream that I dared not think about for most of my life. I didn’t publish these books until I was in my 40s. The books represent my desire to find something positive in my mental illness. Depression does not have to be a negative. With my books I shared how depression affects me and in doing that I connected with others who live mental illness.  The books led to speaking opportunities and advocacy work. These have become my passion. Despite living with depression, I find hope in sharing my story. I find hope in connecting with others who share in the mental illness experience. I think together we make the world a slightly better place for people with mental illness. 

                  I started this blog to hopefully reach a larger audience. While I haven’t reached the numbers I had hoped to reach, I guess my blog is a success. If nothing else, it gives me the opportunity to write. I hope to find more success with this blog. If you’re reading this, maybe you could share my blog with someone else. That would help me build my reading audience. 

                  I share my successes not to brag, but rather to show that it is possible to live with mental illness. That doesn’t mean we can do it all the time. There will be times when we need to step back and tend to our mental health. Doing so is important. Caring for our mental health needs is what allows us to function. We need to manage our mental health. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. People with mental illness can live fulfilling lives if we care for our mental health. 

                  Writing this post has shown me that my cousin made a good point. I have done a lot I can be proud of despite living with depression. Those accomplishments would mean more if I can use them to show others living with mental illness that they can be successful as well. We have illnesses, but we are not our illnesses. I encourage others to take a look at their accomplishments. No accomplishment is too small to recognize. Sometimes just getting out of bed is an accomplishment when you live with mental illness. I hope I can be an example for others living with mental illness. We can be successful in life. We are not limited by our illness. Depression and other mental illnesses do not define us.

                  I encourage you to share one of your successes in the comments to let others see that we all have achievements we can be proud of. 

                  

Mental Health on the Injury Report

                  I keep finding mental health messages in the world of sports. Athletes have been speaking out and putting themselves in the forefront of mental health awareness. The other day I saw yet another example.

                  I am a women’s basketball fan. I was checking the box score from a WNBA game. In the list of players, it showed the players who had not played and the reason why. There were two players who had not entered the game for one of the teams. Next to the name of one player it said knee injury. It was the other player who caught my attention. Next to her name it said mental health. 

                  My first thought was “Wow, I’ve never seen that before.” It was brave. Here was a professional athlete stating that the reason she could not play was her mental health. I don’t think we would have seen that a few years ago, but in recent years athletes have spoken up about mental health. They have normalized taking time to care for our mental health needs. 

                  As I see an athlete stating that she was not able to play due to her mental health, I think about all the times I felt I had to hide my struggles with mental health in the workplace. There were many times when I claimed to have a cold or the flu when in fact depression was preventing me from working. I knew I couldn’t just say that I was struggling with my mental health. It would have been frowned upon and possibly mocked by my administrator. There was no sense of understanding in the workplace for me. So, many others have had similar experiences. Mental illnesses are often not seen as legitimate illnesses by employers. These illnesses are viewed as weaknesses by many. 

                  Depression caused me to take medical leaves on a few occasions, but I kept the reason for the leaves to myself. I was unwilling to face the possible ridicule that I feared came with saying I had depression. I shouldn’t have had to be afraid. I should have been able to say I have a mental illness, and it be considered a legitimate illness. 

                  My experience is common. Many of us who live with mental illness are shamed into hiding our illness in the workplace. I wish I had had the courage of the basketball player who listed her reason for not playing as mental health. I would like to think that if I was working now, I would have that courage. I respect this player and the many athletes who are sharing their mental health experiences. They are making it more commonplace to speak about mental health. We need that.  We should be able to say, “I need to take a day off to care for my mental health.” 

                  I chose not to use this athlete’s name, but my guess is she would have been okay with me writing her name. I respect her willingness to be open about her mental health and wish her healing. I hope we will continue to see people in all areas finding the safety to acknowledge when they need to care for their mental health. 

                  We learn a lot of lessons from the world of sport. Caring for our mental health is one of those lessons. It should be just as normal to take a day off for our mental health as it is for our physical health. If you need to care for your mental health, do it! You have a every right to put your mental health above your work.

 

Eeyore – A Character with Depression

                  Last week’s Giving Voice to Depression Podcast episode, “Inviting the Eeyores” inspired today’s post. Check out the podcast at https://givingvoicetodepression.com/ or wherever you listen to podcasts. 

                  Depression is more present in society than is generally acknowledged. Gratefully, that is starting to change. We are seeing mental illness portrayed in a more positive light. Today I would like to share a character that has been “living” with depression for quite a long time. 

Eeyore is well-known character from the “Winnie the Pooh” stories. Many people believe that Eeyore suffers from depression. According to the Florida State College at Jacksonville Pressbooks, Eeyore exhibits five symptoms of a major depressive episode. Those symptoms include “…depressed mood most of the day, markedly diminished interest or pleasure in activities, fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day, feelings of worthlessness, and diminished ability to think or concentrate.”  Based on the stories Eeyore has experienced these symptoms for several years. The symptoms Eeyore exhibits lead one to believe that he struggles with depression. If we diagnosed fictional characters, Eeyore would likely have a diagnosis of major depression.

I can relate to Eeyore. His symptoms match mine and countless others with depression. I have felt the low mood and feelings of unworthiness. I struggle with diminished interested in activities that at other times I enjoy. I can relate to Eeyore’s difficulty concentrating. We both live with depression.

There are no psychiatrists or therapists in “Winnie the Pooh”, but Eeyore does have a group of friends who support him and keep him around despite his depression. I think society can learn a lot from Eeyore’s friends. They accept him as he is. They don’t try to change him. They don’t force him to do things he is not up to doing. Instead, they treat him with care and are just happy to have him around. Eeyore’s friends let him hang out with them even when he is struggling with depression. They accept him as he is. We can learn a lot from these fictional characters. 

I know when I am not up to engaging in activities, I appreciate friends and family who text to check in on me. It means a lot to me when they show an interest in how I am doing, but don’t force me to act in a way I am not capable of acting because of my depression. The understanding is the important part. Understanding that a person with depression is not able to do things you may want them to do helps. When someone with depression cancels plans or says no to an invitation, it is not because we don’t want to do things with you. Rather, it is because we can’t. Depression paralyzes us. It leaves us unable to engage in activities. 

Eeyore’s friends understood this. I don’t know if A.A. Milne, the creator of the Winnie the Pooh stories, intended to have a character with depression, but I am glad he created Eeyore the way he did. Even though he is a children’s character, I can look at him and see myself reflected in Eeyore. Maybe when I am struggling, I should tell my family and friends to check out Eeyore and his friends.  These characters who were intended to entertain, are really teaching a valuable lesson.  Accept people with depression as they are. Don’t try to change them. Don’t force them into activities they are not able to engage in.  Eeyore’s friends may not have known that he had a mental health disorder, but they understood him and what he needed from them. Life would be easier for those of us with depression if more people were like Eeyore’s friends. 

My Journey

                  Today I am sharing a poem that I wrote a few years ago. It is in my book A Light Amidst the Darkness: Illuminating Mental Illness and Suffering. (It is available for order in your local bookstore or on Amazon at A Light Amidst the Darkness.) I have always been on a journey with my mental health. It has been a battle. I have sunk into the very deep and dark depths of depression. I have emerged from those depths at times only to sink back into them. The journey hasn’t been easy, but lights have guided me. I have hung onto the shining of those lights to keep myself going.

                  Last year breast cancer hopped on my journey. Cancer has made my ride even more difficult, but I remain on this journey. It has been rough. Cancer is a fight. Depression is also a fight. They affect me in different ways, but I fight both with the same hope that I will heal. As my cancer journey has intertwined with my depression journey new lights have emerged to help me navigate this illness. These lights join with the lights that were already with me to illuminate the darkness depression and cancer thrust upon me. 

                  This journey has pummeled me at times. It has also made me stronger. I am fighting. I have found a will and a desire to live. I fight with every ounce of strength I have inside of me. I hold onto my lights. They guide me and provide hope. It is a hope that one day I won’t need to fight so hard, a hope that healing is possible. 

Some days I struggle to maintain this hope. I know the struggle is a part of the illnesses that have attacked me. The struggle itself isn’t what makes me stronger. My lights give me strength. I draw on their hope to grow my own. Their faith in me carries me and allows me to believe in hope for myself. This journey has not been easy. At times it has been hell. Still, I travel on. I continue forward holding on to my lights, knowing that I am healing even when I don’t see it.

 

My Journey

 

I have learned to trust my journey.

It has been a hard and arduous journey,

But I have continued onward.

Long bouts of darkness have clouded my life;

Dragged me to depths I dare not describe.

Days seemed like nights.

My life blurring into one long day.

Specks of light have glimmered throughout my journey.

Many only pausing as they passed.

A few lights have guided my travels;

Remained by my side.

My journey has a purpose.

I travel through life for a reason.

Hope flickers in the distance.

Drawing me ever closer.

I know darkness will attempt to follow me;

Always be nearby.

But now I see a destination;

Grab onto the hope that beckons me.

I allow myself to continue on this journey

Though I take on a new role.

The journey no longer controls me.

I have become my own guide.

As I continue forth the light begins to shine more often.

Breaking through the dark clouds.

My journey will continue.

As now I look forward with a smile.

Ready to embrace the light that guides me.

 

 

What It Is Like to Live with Depression

                  I write a lot about depression. I have shared my story of a lifetime of depression and anxiety. I have shared healing tools and coping strategies. I have posted about alternative treatments for depression. I think I have covered a lot in the past year plus. One thing I don’t think I have done is provide a picture into what depression looks, feels, and sounds like. So, here goes.

                  As I have shared in the past depression started for me when I was 14 years old. That is over three decades ago. I have had more experiences with depression than I can count. There are many commonalities. However, depression can express itself differently at different times. What is common, at least for me, is the darkness. It seems like there is no way out of depression. When depression blankets me, I feel trapped. I can’t see the light of healing. 

                  I guess if I were to describe what depression looks like, I would say it looks like a dismal rainy day. No light peeks through the clouds. Everything is dark. That darkness can be viewed as a lack of hope. When depression has me in its grips, I don’t see anything except the depression. It is painful. Depression has varying degrees. I have experienced levels of depression in which I have wanted to end my life. Everything has seemed so hopeless that living didn’t seem worth it. I have also experienced levels of depression in which I can function. The darkness comes in varying shades. I don’t know if functional depression is the correct term for it, but there are times when I am depressed, but I can still function. I have been able to hold down a job despite my depression. It has never been easy, but I learned how to hold the darkness aside during the workday. That usually meant the evening would be rough, but I did it. You may be surprised at how many people function with depression. There have been other times when I have been unable to work due to my depression. Just like with any serious illness, I need care.

                  What does depression feel like? For me this varies. Sometimes it feels like I am consumed by lethargy. I don’t want to do anything. I have no motivation. Just getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle. At times it feels like I am stuck in vise grip. I feel like I am being suffocated. I can’t escape the depression. It is scary feeling. The stronger the grip of that vise, the more I want to end my life. Depression may be a mental illness, but the physical pain is real. 

                  Other people can’t hear depression, but it is loud in the minds of people with depression. I hear a negative dialogue running through my mind. It tells me many things that are simply not true. I hear depression tell me I am not worthy, not good enough. I hear it tell me life will never get better. I hear it tell me I am trapped. I hear it tell me that no one wants me around. At its worst I hear depression tell me I don’t want to live. What makes these messages even more painful is that I hear them in my own voice. It sounds as if it is me talking when really it is the illness. It is hard not to listen when the voice is your own.

                  From this description I think it is obvious how painful depression is. What people on the outside don’t understand is that depression is not a choice. It is an illness and must be accepted as an illness if it is to get better. I have learned through a lifetime of struggle that I have an illness. I am not my depression. Rather, depression is an illness that has attacked me. I don’t like being depressed. I would do anything to be done with it. 

                  There are treatments that ease the depression. There are times when I feel better because of those treatments. Right now, I am going through esketamine treatment. It is helping, but it takes time. I must trust that the esketamine will lift the depression. I can’t rush it. Treatment needs to run its course. At some point my days will be easier. They are already starting to be. 

                  You may ask how I am able to write this blog when I am depressed. That is a good question. I think I have lived with depression for so long that I have learned coping skills that allow me to function most of the time. There are still times when I can’t function. During those times I need to allow myself the space to heal. There are times when I am away from this computer keyboard that the thoughts are too much for me to handle. I know I need to reach out during those times. Tuesday is an example. I reached out to a member of my team because my head was in a bad place. A few words from that member of my team and some writing about those words on my part helped me. Everyone with depression is different. We all need to figure out what we need to do for ourselves when times get difficult. If we are lucky, we find those ways and are able to use them. 

                  Depression is an ugly illness. We need to learn to fight it. Fighting depression includes accepting help. We shouldn’t expect ourselves to go it alone. I have two illnesses. I am also fighting cancer. I would never be able to fight my cancer on my own. The same is true of depression. I should never expect myself to fight depression alone. No one should fight depression alone.

 

 

                  For more on esketamine treatment, read these earlier blog posts: 

Gardening the Mind: Esketamine Treatment by Stephanie Debnath, PMHNP or one from my perspective: Fertilization and Purple Lights: Esketamine Treatment

 

 

Rough Times Do Not Undo Progress

                  I saw something the other day that discussed how hitting a rough time does not undo the progress a person has made. It was something I needed to hear. Sometimes when my depression gets worse, or my anxiety ticks up the darkness starts to consume me. It is easy to forget the progress I have made on my mental health journey. I’m lucky to have a team supporting me who remind me of my progress and encourage me to keep going.

                  One aspect of depression that I have experienced is the waves of darkness that float in and out of my life. I will have rough times and then treatment will lead me into the light of healing. I will feel better during these times. When things get rough, I start to forget what the light of healing feels like. I think that is normal part of living with depression. It is not a welcomed part, but it is a part of the illness.

                  Talking with members of my mental health team helps me remember that depression can get better. Treatment can ease the darkness that suffocates me. Talking about the depression with them allows me to focus on healing. They remind me that rough times do not last. It takes work to get out of the depression’s bad times. I need to work on coping skills in therapy. Also, I need to practice those skills outside of therapy. For me that means writing, walking, creating art, and using positive self-talk. I must admit that sometimes it is hard to engage in these coping strategies. When depression is choking me, I don’t want to do anything. I want to stay in bed and hide from depression. I want my mind to shut off. Sometimes when the depression is at its worst, I even want to end my life. That is one of the scariest parts of living with depression. I lose hope at times and reach the point of not wanting to continue. Thankfully, I have learned that I can reach out and more importantly need to reach out to my mental health team in those times.

                  Another thing I have learned is that depression’s rough times have another side. Healing does exist. Sometimes it takes a little work to find it, but it can be found. That is part of why I talk about mental health so much. The idea that healing is possible is the impetus of this blog. I want others to know that the darkness we feel when depression is in control doesn’t have to be permanent. We can fight back. We can find the light of healing. I know that in the midst of a depressive episode it is hard to believe the light is out there waiting for us. I’ve spent my life learning this. Even after all these years I need reminders that rough times don’t last. I hope this blog serves as a reminder for others that it is possible to get out from under the shackles of depression. 

                  I have made a lot of progress in my battle with depression. When I hit a rough time, it is hard to remember that I have made progress. Rough times do not undo progress. I don’t know if rough times make us stronger. I think they hurt more than anything. But we can push through them. Rough times do not define us. Just like depression rides in on waves, so to does healing. Our goal is to hang on to those times of healing. Enjoy them and live our lives. We need to continue to work on coping skills even in the times of healing. Those skills will carry into the rough times and help us cope. 

                  Rough times exist when you have an illness like depression, but they don’t have to be our sole reality. We work to get through those times and lean on our support systems. If you don’t have a support system, I urge you to reach out and create one. You can join support groups and take classes through organizations like NAMI (https://www.nami.org/). Talk to your primary care provider about a referral to therapy or a psychiatrist. Start a discussion with friends or family who might be able to support you. This can be a hard step. Openness helps when talking to family and friends. Not all of them will understand, but it is worth trying. 

                  Depression creates rough times. There are times of darkness when it is difficult to function. We can get through these times with help. As difficult as it is, we must trust that the light of healing is out there waiting for us. We need to give ourselves permission to look for that light. Not an easy task, but one that is worth it.

 

Mental Health: Loud and Clear at the Olympics

                 As many people throughout the world, I have been watching the Paris Olympics. I enjoy sports so this is great opportunity to get my fill. My favorite sport is women’s basketball. I have enjoyed watching all the basketball teams compete while rooting for the American team to win another gold medal.

                  What has been even better than watching the best athletes in the world compete is listening to these amazing athletes speak out about mental health.  Many of them are upfront about how mental health impacts them. This is refreshing. I don’t think it is new. Athletes have been speaking up for a few years. I think the world is ready to listen now. 

                  These athletes have tremendous pressure placed upon them. They must be at their best both physically and mentally. Some have mentioned talking to their psychologists. They have stressed the importance of therapy in not just their training, but in their lives. 

Simone Biles stepped out of the last Olympics to tend to her mental health. During this Olympics the success of doing that has been apparent as she stands with multiple medals around her neck. Biles recently said, “We have to protect our minds and our bodies rather than just go out there and do what the world wants us to do.” She understands that our minds are just as important as our bodies. 

                  Then there is Noah Lyles. He won gold in the men’s 100m. He is now the world’s fastest man. Here is a quote from a social media post he made after he won the gold medal: “I have asthma, allergies, ADD, anxiety, and depression. But I will tell you that what you have does not define what you can become. Why Not You!” Here is a man who lives with depression as well as other illnesses, but does not let that stop him. There is a lesson for all of us in that. Why not us? It is easy to let depression rule our lives. I am guilty of it. I admit that I have missed out on a lot in my life because of my depression. This young man is showing us that we can still achieve our dreams even if we live with depression. It doesn’t matter what that dream is. We need to ask ourselves, why not me? 

                  There are days when I think that I should let go of my hopes of writing two new books this year. Those mornings when the darkness of depression is clouding over me, I think that I don’t have it in me to write the books I want to write. Some days I am guilty of letting the depression be an excuse for not writing. But Lyles is right. Why not me? Depression doesn’t have to stop me. Why can’t I write both books?

                  So many of the athletes we are watching during these Olympics have overcome adversity to achieve their dreams. Many of them live with mental health issues. Several have been brave enough to share their stories with us. I am grateful to hear mental health emerging on the world stage. I know that there are people watching who are saying “why not me?”. They are seeing these athletes succeeding despite mental health issues. We are all seeing people who understand that it is okay to talk about mental health. Basketball player LeBron James said, “Mental health is something that we’ve got to continue to work on, and we can’t be afraid to talk about.” I hope comments like this encourages more dialogue. I hope that it makes it easier for people in need to reach out for help. These athletes are destigmatizing mental health. For that they deserve gold medals. 

                  Track athlete, Gabby Thomas stated, "I don't know if I'm thinking critically about mental health constantly, but I definitely am taking steps to make sure that my mental health is in a good place." We can learn from her. We don’t have to think about mental health constantly to do something about it. We can all take steps to make sure our mental health is in a good place. By talking about mental health, we create safe spaces for others to talk about it. That’s what we need. We need to normalize mental health. Many Olympians are doing just that. They recognize that as they train their bodies, they must also train their minds. That same idea applies to the rest of us. We need to take our mental health as seriously as our physical health. 

                  US Olympic Rugby medalist Ilona Maher said, "For me, it's just like showing how human we are. And I do that not only through talking about mental health and the sad days, but also being authentic. That can really resonate and just show our relatability and humanity.” When it comes to mental health, we can all relate to what these athletes are saying. We can all take mental health seriously and make it a point to take care of our minds just as much as our bodies. 

                  Struggling with mental health is a human issue. We will all face it in some way during our lives. Some of us will find the struggle harder, but we are not alone. Let’s learn from these amazing athletes and reach out for help when we need it and normalize discussing mental health.

 

 

Finding Color in a World of Black and White

“I saw the world in black and white instead of the vibrant colours and shades I knew existed.”  

    ― Katie McGarry, “Pushing the Limits”

                  The quote above really strikes a chord with me. Much of my life has been in darkness, a black and white world, because of depression. Shadows have surrounded everything. Despite this darkness I have managed to reach middle-age. If you had told me I would be in my 50s someday when I was younger, I wouldn’t have believed you. Hope was something that I struggled with daily. And the future seemed bleak.

                  In the past few years, I’ve learned that hope does exist. There are colors in my world despite the darkness. My mental health team has taught me to see the colors. They have led me in the direction of treatments that provided those colors. That was an important part of healing because traditional depression treatment with medication doesn’t work for me. It started with TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). I didn’t see colors with TMS, but the darkness lifted, and I saw the world around me. I saw that there was a meaningful life in front of me. For more on TMS read these posts: "Renewed and Recharged: TMS Treatment"and "TMS: A Firsthand Account".  

                  TMS gave me a new lease on life. It gave me hope. I learned that I could heal, and that depression didn’t have to rule my life. There were still struggles. Depression is an illness.  Illnesses don’t just disappear. They can ease and we can learn to cope with them. I have received TMS treatment multiple times. Each time it has given me more light and allowed me to experience hope.

                  TMS alone is not enough. Therapy sustains me. It helps me maintain focus on the positive and reminds me to have hope. There are colors in hope because with hope the world is not dark. Engaging in regular therapy provides me with the tools to maintain hope. In that hope lies the colors of healing.

                  A couple years ago my mental health team and I decided I needed to try esketamine treatment. The darkness had re-emerged, and I was struggling. I was a little scared because I didn’t know how esketamine worked. I was afraid I would have frightening “trips” like I had read about hippies having in the late 1960s. My team helped me understand that I would not experience anything like that. So, we tried it. 

                  My experience was unlike anything I had experienced before. While under the effects of the esketamine I felt a floating sensation. I felt at peace. I saw beautiful colors with lights behind them. I floated through the colors. Purple and green were the most frequent colors I saw, but there were other colors, too. I began to associate the colors with healing. I felt safe. A change was occurring in me. The depression was lifting. The colors replaced the darkness.

                  Recently, my depression and anxiety have been creeping up. My team and I made the decision to try esketamine again. Much to my relief, the colors are still there. Purple is present every time. I think it is my healing color. I feel healing in the color purple so much so that I have written poems about it and painted with purple. 

                  For more on esketamine, read the following posts: "Gardening the Mind: Esketamine Treatment"and "Fertilization and Purple Lights: Esketamine Treatment"

                  I can’t explain why I see colors or why they are associated with healing for me. It is my experience.  I hope others can experience it, too. Maybe color is healing because colors represent an absence of the darkness. I don’t know. I just know that when I see the colors, I am healing. Hope returns to life, and I believe that I can heal. 

 

 

                  

                  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Still Here

                  My life has been a series of battles. Most often I have battled depression. It first started when I was in my early teens and has continued for over 35 years. Depression and I are old sparring pals. We have had knockdown, drag out fights. Depression has tried to take my life many times. Despite depression’s efforts, I have fought back each time. I have not always been able to fight back alone, but I have fought back. I have stared depression’s death threats in the eye. 

                  I have learned to live with depression and its partner, anxiety. By no means has it been easy. In fact, it has taken a lot out of me and cost me a lot. I have missed out on a lot in life because of these two foes, but I continue living. There have been good times and there have been bad times. Unfortunately, there have also been some really bad times. At times I have felt like I was being dragged through hell. Despite this, I am still here.

                  Cancer joined the fray a little over a year ago. It burst into my life at stage 4, poised to kill me as it spread. It was a diagnosis I was unprepared for and not expecting. Even though I was scared and unsure about my opponent, I fought. My years of fighting depression and anxiety taught me that I had a fight inside of me. The fight with cancer was different.  It made me physically sick and very weak. Of course, depression and anxiety loved this and piled on. 

How did I fight mental and physical illness at the same time? It doesn’t seem possible that I have emerged from the battles. But I’m still here. First, I must credit the people around me. My aunt was by my side from diagnosis on. Other family and friends were there. My mental health team was there throughout. My psychiatrist, psychologist, and psychiatric nurse practitioner lifted me up and helped me keep the depression and anxiety at bay as I focused on fighting cancer. They encouraged and empowered me. I was blessed with an amazing oncologist who put my cancer in the crosshairs and attacked it. My primary care provider was there to encouraged me and keep me fighting. Two nurses stepped into my life and taught me how to fight. One, my oncology nurse navigator, showed me how to dance atop cancer. She helped me find a rhythm in this battle and gave me a reason to smile. The other nurse, my primary’s nurse, lifted me up with encouragement and reminded that me I would be okay.

Depression, anxiety and cancer have all taken aim at me. They have pushed me to the edge. At times I didn’t believe I had the strength to fight. I thought I would lose the battle. The people around me wouldn’t let me give up. I took their belief in my ability to fight and did just that. I fought. I have won battles, but I know this is a war. I will need to continue fighting. That’s okay. I’ve learned there is a fight in me. I hope others see it and find the fight within themselves. That would give my fight more meaning.

Good things have come out of my fight. For one, I’m still alive. Obvious one there. But there are other things. I’ve learned to live in the moment. Tomorrow isn’t promised. We need to do what we want to do and say what we want to say while we have the opportunity. Two things I want to do are go to Italy and write. So, I’m doing them. In October, I will head to Italy with a friend. I will explore the towns my family came from. I will see beautiful works of art and eat incredible food. Every day I write. I have submitted pieces for publication, and I post on this blog twice a week. In addition, I am working on two books that I hope to publish before the end of the year. 

The illnesses I fight chose me. I didn’t choose them. Despite how much they have torn me down, I have learned from depression, anxiety, and cancer. I have learned the value of life. I have learned who is important in my life and I know I have some wonderful people supporting me. Depression, anxiety, and cancer tried to take me life, but I’m still here.