Have you ever found yourself struggling or overwhelmed? Have you ever had that feeling that life is just too much? Maybe you have become depressed or anxious because you cannot get the things done that you need or want to accomplish. Many of us with depression and other mental illnesses know these feelings well. So, how can we alleviate these feelings?
That is a question I frequently struggle with. In fact, this week the struggle has become heavy. My friend, Shannon, reminded me that I can and should give myself grace. I had reached out to her by text because I knew I was not able to get a post for this blog written in time to post yesterday. I always post on Mondays and Thursdays, but I have been struggling this week and I knew there was no way I would be able to write the post in time. Shannon’s return text simply said, “Yes, it is okay to post late. It is fine to give yourself grace.” Her words struck me.
Give myself grace? That is not a new concept for me, but it one that I easily forget. I mentioned my struggle to Brittany, the psychiatric nurse practitioner who leads my esketamine treatment. She explained that trying to give myself grace and not knowing how, can be an added weight to the heaviness I was already experiencing. It was a message I needed to hear. It has me thinking. What does it mean to give ourselves grace when we live with mental illness.
If we look at a formal definition of giving ourselves grace, we find that it means to treat ourselves with the same patience, understanding, and kindness that we would offer to someone we care about. This is especially important when we make mistakes, fall short of a goal, or feel overwhelmed. Giving ourselves grace means recognizing that we are human and as humans we are not perfect. We make mistakes. We are always learning. We are affected by circumstances and sometimes those circumstances are beyond our control.
This sounds like something we should be able to do without much difficulty. So, why is it so difficult to give ourselves grace? First, I think we hold ourselves to higher expectations than we hold others. We tell ourselves that we need to do everything and that we need to do it right. Often, we put pressure on ourselves. Then when we do not meet our expectations for ourselves, we become critical of ourselves. We do not give ourselves the grace we would give others.
Depression and anxiety can make giving ourselves grace more difficult than it is for most people. Our depression shouts in our minds. It criticizes us, but the voice of depression sounds like our own voice. So, we start criticizing ourselves. We tell ourselves we are not enough. When we are criticizing ourselves, it is very difficult to give ourselves grace. We cannot say to ourselves that we are doing okay. We cannot ease up on our expectations of ourselves. That is what happened to me this week. I was overwhelmed by several things. My depression and anxiety were both screaming in my mind. Depression was telling me I was a failure for making mistakes at work. It was telling me I was a failure for not being up to writing Thursday’s blog post. Anxiety also chimed in. It was putting pressure on me, telling me I had to get the post written. It was telling me I had to fix the mistakes at work on my own. Grace was nowhere to be found.
Then Shannon and Brittany encouraged me. They reminded me that it was okay to give myself grace. Their words let me know that I needed to be kinder to myself. I had to allow myself to struggle without judgement. That is what giving ourselves grace is all about. When we give ourselves grace, we are allowing ourselves to be human. We are being gentle with ourselves. Depression and anxiety are not gentle. They are cruel. So, part of pushing back against them is being kind and understanding with ourselves. It was not easy for me to put off writing a blog post until today, but I had to wait. I had to allow myself the time I needed to feel better. I had to let the heaviness I was feeling lift while placing the expectations I have of myself on hold.
There are a few things we can do to give ourselves grace. Everyone should try to do these things, not just those of us with mental illness. Each of the following ways of giving ourselves grace, can be difficult, but we just need to try. We need to recognize that it will not always be easy and that is okay.
Ways to give ourselves grace:
· Let go of harsh self-talk.
· Allow room for mistakes.
· Acknowledge effort, not just outcomes.
· Take breaks without feeling guilt.
· Forgive yourself.
This week I had to work on each of these. Giving ourselves grace is a practice that
takes time to develop. There will be ups and downs. Sometimes we will be able to give ourselves grace, other times we will need to recognize that it is a struggle. It is important to remember that sometimes we need reminders or help to give ourselves grace. If Shannon and Brittany had not reminded me to give myself grace, I like would have crashed lower than I did this week. I would not have been able to allow myself to let go of the weight that was falling upon me.
Having a support system is important. In addition to Shannon and Brittany, my psychologist and psychiatrist both supported me this week. Support systems support us. Simple, right? Unfortunately, not everyone has a support system to turn to the way I do. If you are struggling and unable to give yourself grace, I encourage you to take steps to create a support system. Join a support group. Get involved in an organization like NAMI. Comment on one of my blog posts and I will remind you to give yourself grace.
Again, giving ourselves grace means treating ourselves with the same patience, understanding, and kindness we would offer a loved one. While it is not easy, we can practice doing giving ourselves grace. A few things we can do include catching and reframing our inner voice, pausing before reacting to ourselves, separating our worth from our performance, normalizing being a work in progress, giving ourselves permission to rest, using small acts of self-kindness, reflecting without shaming ourselves, forgiving ourselves on purpose, and being mindful of comparing ourselves to ourselves. It is important to start small and be consistent. We are not going to be at ease giving ourselves grace overnight. It requires practice. There will be setbacks. In those moments, we need to give ourselves grace.
I am going commit to working on giving myself grace. I recognize that it will not be easy. As hard as it is, I know I need to practice giving myself grace every opportunity I get. Depression and anxiety will try to hamper my ability to give myself grace, but I have talked back to these two before. I can continue to talk back to them. Giving ourselves grace can help us through the hard times. So, together, let’s give ourselves grace.
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