What Dolly Parton Taught Me About Kindness—and How It Can Help When Living with Depression

      On 9/25/26, most of the country celebrated 9 2 5 Day in honor of Dolly Parton. I grew up knowing Dolly Parton as a country singer. My dad had several of her albums. I especially remember a Christmas album featuring Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers. He would play that over and over as he prepared the fish for our Italian American Christmas Eve family gathering.  Of course, I also remember watching the movie 9 to 5. 

So, my early memories of Dolly Parton are as a musician. In the last few years, I have learned more about Dolly the person. I have learned about all she has done to help others. There is her Imagination Library that places books in the hands of children promoting literacy. There are all her donations. The ones that have been mentioned since her passing in August are just a few of the donations she has made throughout her lifetime. As we listen to it all, there is an underlying theme, which I think Dolly herself would ask us to focus on, kindness. We all need to be kind.

Okay, this is a depression blog. Why am I talking about Dolly Parton? She did not suffer from depression. At least not that I know of. Her charitable work did not center on mental health. It is her mission to be kind to everyone that resonates with me at this moment. I find myself connecting it to depression. There are a couple ways kindness and depression are connected that jump out at me.

 

Being Kind to Our Minds: Challenging Negative Self-Talk

                  Often, when we live with depression, negativity takes over our lives. There is a darkness that settles over us. This darkness clouds how we feel about ourselves and how we see the world around us. We might have negative thoughts running through our minds. We might use self-talk that is defeating or hurtful. My experience is that once the negative thoughts about myself get going, it is difficult to stop them. 

What if by being kind to ourselves when we use self-talk, we could lift some of the depression? Kindness itself cannot make the negative thought patterns and the hurtful words we say to ourselves disappear. Turning a hurtful word into something kind might be able to give us a little boost. It might give us a moment of feeling better despite the darkness that floats around us. 

We can be kind to our minds by using phrases such as “I am trying my best”, “Things are hard right now, but I am doing the best I can,” or “Depression places a heavy weight on me. It is okay to go through bad times.” These phrases are an attempt to be kind. Being kind to ourselves might be giving a quick smile in the mirror. It could be engaging in an activity we enjoy or once enjoyed. Being kind to ourselves might be saying,”Today has been difficult. I am going to give myself a break.”    

We can also talk back to negative thinking. Maybe use a little sass, the way Dolly Parton sometimes acted. Comments to ourselves such as, “Hey, Depression, you are not in control. This is my mind. I get to determine how I feel.” We can turn being kind to our minds into whatever we need at the moment. There is a saying, “Kill them with kindness”. Maybe that is what we need to do to our minds when depression is in control.

 

Being Kind to Others: How Small Acts of Kindness Can Make a Difference

From the stories I have read or seen since she passed away, it is clear that Dolly believed in being kind to everyone. Dolly did little things and big things to let kindness grow around her. Just as it is important to be kind to ourselves, it is important to be kind to others.I know sounds like a cliche, but we should be kind to others because we never know what someone else is going through. Being kind can make a difference in the lives of others. 

I think about it this way. What if we encounter someone who is struggling with depression and maybe even contemplating taking their life? We are not going to know this about them just from being around them or maybe even from talking to them. How do we want to treat this person? Treating this person with kindness might make a difference in what they do next. 

Let me share from personal experience. There have been times when the depression I live with has been overwhelming. I have had suicidal thoughts. In these moments I usually withdraw into myself. At the same time these moments are lonely and isolating. What if someone took a moment to be kind to me? Could that change things? It might not erase the depression or even the suicidal thoughts, but it might interrupt those enough for me to get help. It might make me feel a little better about myself. 

 

A Little Kindness Can Go a Long Way

Approaching everyone as if we do not know what they are going through, can help others. It does not take much. A compliment. Holding a door open. Saying “hi”. Asking someone how they are. These are small examples of being kind. We can take being kind further. Maybe we bring cookies to a medical appointment. Maybe paying for the person behind you when you pick up your morning coffee. Giving a small, unexpected gift. Complimenting someone. These are all examples of how we can be kind to others. 

Most of us do not have the means to be kind on the level Dolly Parton was able to be kind. That is okay. The important thing is the act of kindness, not the size of the kindness. Can we each make an effort to do something kind every day? How much would that change our community? How much would that change us?

As someone living with depression, I know that when I am struggling, an act of kindness can lift my mood. I know I missed 9 2 5 Day, but I am hoping that by taking the time to share that kindness can help a person living with depression, maybe we can move toward more understanding of mental illness.

 

 

How to Stop Negative Self-Talk When You Have Depression and Anxiety

“Say something kind to yourself today.”  - Unknown

 

                  Most of us have heard the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I’m guessing most of us assume this refers to how we talk to others, but what if we flip it around and consider that it might also refer to how we speak to ourselves? That is more difficult than saying nice things to others. I know I struggle with how I talk to myself. Those thoughts that run through our minds can often be quite harsh. This is especially true if you live with a mental illness. 

                  The way we talk to ourselves is referred to as self-talk. We can define self-talk as “talk or thoughts directed as oneself” (Merriam-Webster). That is a very simplistic definition. I think we can also consider self-talk as inner monologues and dialogues. Sometimes our self-talk is our mind speaking to us. It tells us how we are doing. It tells us what we should do and reflects on what we have already done. For some of us, self-talk can be hurtful. Depression and anxiety can interfere with how we talk to ourselves. The negative ideas that are generated by depression and anxiety can grow loud. This intensifies the depression and anxiety. It can be a vicious circle that is difficult to interrupt.

                  Saying something nice to yourself sounds simple, right? Just be kind to yourself the way you are kind to others. No big deal, right? I don’t know about you, but it is not easy for me. Part of the reason is the depression and anxiety I live with. These illnesses use my inner voice to speak to me. It is always negative. Depression and anxiety are harsh critics, who always find a way to tell me what is wrong with me. Basically, they capture my inner voice and turn it against me. This is difficult to live with. I would love to say kind things to myself, but depression and anxiety have other ideas.

                  So, we know depression and anxiety, as well as other mental illnesses, can cause negative self-talk. How do we fight back? How do we take back our voice? Before I share ideas on this, I will be honest and say that I am not always good at what I am about to share. I spend a lot of time working on my mental health. I have learned how these illnesses work. I have learned strategies for living with mental illness. Despite all I have learned, all the knowledge I have, I still struggle at times. I need reminders to practice what I am going to share about developing kind self-talk. That is where kindness comes in. Kindness involves giving ourselves grace. So, I will give myself grace as I share this. I recognize that I need work at this. So, if you struggle, too, know that you are not alone. One of the purposes of this blog is for us to grow together as we learn about depression and other mental illnesses.

 

Ways to Change Negative Self-Talk into Kind Words

 

·      Notice the self-talk, thought, without believing it –This strategy requires us to recognize the self-talk. Let’s say self-talk is telling us “I am a mess. I can’t do anything right.” Our first step would be to pause. Then we need to say, “I am having a thought that I am a mess.”  By recognizing the self-talk as a thought, we are creating some distance between ourselves and that thought. 

·      Ask ourselves if we would say that to someone else – Often, we are harder on ourselves than we would be to a friend. Using the above example, would I tell a friend that they are a mess? The answer is likely, no. What we can do is rephrase the thought. We could say, “I am struggling right now, and things are difficult.”  If we were talking to a friend, we would like help them recognize that they are going through a rough time and that they are not the problem. It is important that we do the same for ourselves.

·      Remove judgement and replace it with observation – If our self-talk tells us, “I am stupid,” we can try to replace that by saying, “I have made some mistakes lately, but I am trying.” When we try to make honest observations, we can talk back to the judgement of our self-talk and be kinder to ourselves.

·      When being compassionate it is important to also be realistic- We should not tell ourselves something that may be unrealistic. Saying, “I am perfect,” may be unrealistic to replace negative self-talk.  Is anyone really perfect? Of course not.  Instead, we can use self-talk phrases such as, “I am learning,” “Even though this is difficult, I am trying,” or “I do not like how I acted in that situation, but I can work on reacting differently.” We might also simply tell ourselves that it is okay to make mistakes.

·      Watch out for cognitive distortions – These are inaccurate thought patterns that lead us to perceive reality incorrectly. This can include all or none thinking, mind-reading, and catastrophizing. All or none thinking might include self-talk that tells us one person dislikes us so everyone must dislike us. Mind-reading might be something like “They all think I am worthless, so I must be worthless.” Catastrophizing can sound like “If I don’t finish this task on time, the whole project will be ruined.” To counter cognitive distortions, we can ask what evidence supports or doesn’t support the self-talk. Then use self-talk to present that evidence. Using the mind-reading example, providing evidence that counters the idea that we must be worthless, we might say to ourselves, “I listen to my student’s needs when they are struggling.  Must be helping this student.  I have a purpose with this student,” or “I feed my dog every day. She depends on me.”

·      Look for the deeper meaning of the self-talk – Ask: “What is the struggle that is causing me to talk to myself this way?” Recognize that we are dealing with a lot. If we have a mental illness, we can reply to inner voice with something like, “There are a lot of heavy things going on in my life right now. These make things difficult for me.”

·      BE KIND TO OURSELVES (Be compassionate with ourselves.) – Have some ready-made statements to say to ourselves. Our self-talk likely runs with a familiar dialogue. It has its go-to criticisms and harsh words. We can counter that with our own familiar pattern or phrases. These might include: “This really hurts”, “Other people struggle like this. It is not just me”, or “I am diagnosed with depression. Having hurtful thoughts is part of the depression. These thoughts are not a character flaw”. Most importantly, we need ask ourselves what we need now? Then we need to try to provide that even if we need to ask for help.

 

All this goes ack to saying something kind to ourselves. When we live with a mentalillness our thought patterns speak to us in painful and negative ways. We need to have phrases and statements ready to counter the self-talk caused by mental illness. (Or even just life. We do not need to have a mental illness to struggle with negative self-talk.) I think an important thing to remember is that we deserve kindness, even when we do not believe that we do. We can talk back to negative thoughts. Part of it is habit building. Another part of it is understanding that we have worth. That is something that is often difficult when depression or anxiety have captured our inner voice, but it can be done.

                  I guess I would like to end this post with the idea that we all have an inner voice. No one escapes negative self-talk. Though they may deny it, even those who seem full of confidence hear a negative inner voice at times. Perhaps, if we each say something kind to ourselves every day, we will be one step closer to feeling better about ourselves. To end this post here is a quick list of kind things we can all say to ourselves:

 

·      I matter.

·      I am worthy of care.

·      I am worthy of respect.

·      I am doing the best I can with what I have.

·      I am enough.

·      I can focus on the next small step.

·      I do not need to do this alone.

·      I have people who care about me in my life.

·      Getting through today is enough.

·      My symptoms/diagnosis are not my identity.

·      It’s okay if some days are harder than others.

·      My worth is not measured by my productivity.

·      I have strengths even if I can’t see them clearly right now.

·      I can learn from this.

·      I can be kind to myself while I figure things out.

·      I can be a friend to myself right now.

 

We might even just state what is going on. That can be an act of kindness. This might sound like:

·      I’m having a tough day.

·      I need some rest.

·      I need some self-care.

·      I’m trying.

·      I made it through the day.

 

Do you have ideas for other kind things we can say to ourselves? Write them in the comments.