Depression Is Not a Matter of Willpower: Why “Just Try Harder” Doesn’t Work

Can Depression Be Overcome with Willpower?

                  Many of us who live with depression and/or anxiety have been told we just need to push through it or use willpower to overcome what is bothering us. I cannot stress enough how asinine this expectation is. The reasons this effort to “help” those of living with these mental health disorders are ridiculous are numerous. As someone who has experienced being told that I just need to tell myself that I am fine or that I just need to smile, I can speak at length on this topic. So, let’s look at the reasons why no one should be expected to use their willpower to overcome a mental illness.

Depression and Anxiety Are Real Medical Conditions

                  First and foremost, depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders are medical conditions. They have a biological basis in the brain and nervous system. As such, these disorders require psychological or psychiatric intervention. We cannot overcome depression by just saying we will overcome it. We cannot stop being anxious just by saying “I am not anxious.” It would be like telling someone with cancer to just think positive and the cancer will go away or telling someone with a broken bone to just focus on the bone mending. No one would do either of these. People recognize that medical professionals need to intervene to cure cancer or to set a broken bone. We need to build an understanding that mental health disorders require medical professionals in the fields of psychiatry and psychology to treat mental health disorders. 

                  There are coping strategies that are not medically or biologically based that can help ease some symptoms of mental health disorders. I have written about many on this blog. The difference between using a coping strategy and treating a mental health disorder is that coping strategies are focused on easing symptoms while treating a mental health disorder is focused on curing or dealing with the disorder itself. A coping strategy cannot make a mental health disorder go away. When a psychiatrist or other mental health professional treats depression, anxiety, or other disorder, they are focused on the origins of the disorder and how to alleviate symptoms to move the person toward healthier living.

Why “Just Think Positive” Can Make Depression Feel Worse

                  When a person tells someone with a depression, anxiety, or other mental health disorder to smile or try harder, it implies that the person is at fault. It calls out the person for not trying hard enough when that person has a medical condition that they did nothing to cause. These types of comments can create heavy self-blame in a person when their efforts are not enough. Imagine living with a condition that causes you to have negative thoughts and to feel a weight bearing down on top of you. Now, imagine living with that and having some tell you to think positive. When we live with mental health disorders our minds are already on overload with negative or anxious thoughts. Adding the expectation that we just need to think positive makes us feel worse. We feel like what we are feeling is somehow our fault. Our brains are wired to carry the negative. We do not need to have expectations that will lead to failure forced upon us.

                  Speaking for myself, I feel bad enough about living with depression and anxiety. My thoughts turn negative because of my disorders. There is a medical reason for my condition. If someone tells me I just need the willpower to stop the depression and anxiety, I am likely to shut down. I am going to feel pressure to do something that cannot be done without therapy and treatment. The person making these comments may have good intentions, but those intentions are lost in their inaccuracy and hurtfulness.

 

Why Telling Someone with Depression to “Try Harder” Can Be Harmful

                  Telling a person with a mental health disorder that they just need to try harder, or they need to think positive thoughts invalidates the pain the person is experiencing. It makes the false assumption that the mental health disorder can be healed with willpower. That makes it seem like the pain we experience is not real. Since mental health pain cannot be seen on the “outside”, it may not seem real to others. To the person experiencing the mental pain, it is very real. It can be debilitating. We cannot overcome things such as suicidal thoughts or intense anxiety just by saying we want to. Assuming we can, invalidates our pain and makes it seem like it is not real. Anyone who has experienced suicidal thoughts, intense anxiety, or deep depression can tell you how real these are. We do not need to be invalidated by others who do not understand.

How to Support Someone With Depression Without Invalidating Their Feelings

Living with a mental health disorder is difficult. Yes, we can reach points in our healing journey where we are doing well, but the disorder always lurks. We are always aware of it. If others recognized that what we experience is real and that willpower is not the answer to our problems, it would help us to feel accepted. It would reduce the stigma we feel. Trust me, we want to feel better. It is not a matter of wanting it enough or willpower. No amount of positive thinking can cure a mental health disorder. 

So, if you are reading this and you know someone with a mental health disorder, be careful in how you talk to them. Remember that their mental illness is a real illness and as such they need care from a mental health professional not a sermon on willpower.

 

 

The Cement Floor of Healing: Finding Hope When Depression and Anxiety Take Over

Today has been a struggle. Actually, I have struggled more than I would like to admit recently. I shared with one of the psychiatric nurse practitioners, who is a part of my mental health team, that I was tired of the depression and anxiety I have been dealing with. As we talked, I could not help thinking how depression and anxiety tear me down and make question if I will ever not live with depression and anxiety.  I mentioned that I was worried that I would always struggle and that I was stuck not seeing a way out. She reflected to me that maybe there is a cement floor to our healing.  We just need to be on our own cement floor. That floor is going be at a different height at different times. There are times when we need help seeing what okay means for us. That is where mental health professionals play a vital role. I think sometimes I lose sight of that and try telling myself I should be able to fight this on my own. That does not work. 

Today was one of those days I needed to hear the words of one of my mental health professionals lifting me, reassuring me, and allowing me to feel that I was okay. I have been open about my struggles with depression and anxiety on this blog. I have lived with depression for damn near 40 years. I have learned to have hope over the years. Still, there are days when the anxiety and depression are in control, days when they suck the life out of me, and days when I just do not have enough in me to put on a happy face. The saying it’s okay not to be okay needs to be embraced on days like this. If we do not embrace it, we cannot get through all that depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses throw at us. 

I think there is something to that cement floor idea. The cement floor is our baseline. It is where we are when we are okay. We may have days where we go down. Those are the days when depression and anxiety gain control. It is as if we take an elevator down to a not-so-good feeling. But if we can go down, it makes sense that we must be able to go back up. We just need to find the right button on the elevator. That is where therapy, medication, and other treatments, like TMS and esketamine, play an important role. They help us push the button that gets us back to that concrete floor where we are okay. If the elevator can go down, it can go up allowing us to have good days. The concrete floor is our base. When we go down, we need to remember that is okay to be on a lower floor, or to not be okay. With support we ride back up to being okay and at times, better than okay. 

When we live with depression and anxiety it helps to have support. I am lucky that I have tremendous support. I have the support I need on days like today when it is all just a little too much. I am grateful that I have people to lean on and grateful they have taught me that it’s oaky not to be okay. I know there are people who do not have the support I have. It is my hope that we can find a way as a society to make mental health a larger priority and provide everyone with the support they need. 

I also hope that this cement floor/elevator metaphor provides encouragement for others who are struggling. Our cement floor is always there. We just need to remember that if we are taken on a ride down in the elevator, we can always push the button and get the support we need to ride back up to our cement floor. 

 

 

 

 

 

What Living with Depression Really Feels Like: A Personal Letter to Friends and Family

This post is written to raise awareness about living with depression by giving an inside look at depression and anxiety. 

 

Dear Friends, Family, and Those of You Reading This,

                  I think about my life, and I realize I have lived through a lot. Many you of know some of my struggles, but you don’t know all of them. I want to share with you how depression impacts my life.

On the surface I function fairly well most of the time. What you don’t see is the voice inside of me screaming words of self-doubt. It is the voice of depression. It tries to drag me down. It tells me I am not good enough. It reminds me of all I am not good at and demeans my abilities in other areas. Depression’s friend anxiety jumps in and makes things worse. Anxiety tells me things are not going well. It brings fear to the forefront of my mind. 

Depression dampens my view of the world. It blankets my life in darkness. The me you see is fighting on the inside. I need to push myself to reach through the darkness and function. Living with depression is a constant battle to find light in the world. Depression wants everything to seem negative and not worth doing. Depression wants me to hide in a corner and avoid the world.

When depression shows its worst side, it pounds me with the idea that life is not worth living. Yes, even when you see me functioning, I may be battling to tell depression I want to live. You see, depression tells me just the opposite. Can you imagine for a moment what that might be like? 

What is weird is anxiety jumps in at times and expresses fear of dying. My cancer battle is an example. When I found out I had cancer, anxiety grew stronger. It told me I was going to die. In all honesty, I was very sick. The problem was anxiety took every pain and intensified it. It brought doom and gloom to every test. Depression told me I deserved cancer because I had believed my life was not worth living. Imagine what is like to be afraid of an illness that is trying to kill you while at the same time thinking that your thoughts brought on the illness.

The thing is I fought through all of this. You may not be aware of how much I fight or how difficult it is for me to navigate depression and anxiety. That is because I try to hide it from you. I do not want you to worry about me. I do not want you to see how much I struggle or how much pain I feel. 

I have support in dealing with depression and anxiety. I am not alone. I have a team I can rely on to provide the treatment I need to continue functioning in this world. They teach me how much life is worth living. They provide ideas for the coping strategies I use to cope with all that depression and anxiety challenge me with. They provide the treatment I need to overcome depression and anxiety.

I am actually doing well as I write this. I am in a safe space, but I know how fragile that space is. Depression and anxiety can take control. They can tear apart the safe space I am in at any moment. I need to believe I can cope with anything depression and anxiety throw at me. My team helps me. My experience strengthens me. I move forward, if not confidently, at least emboldened to try.

My hope in writing this is that you see what is underneath the persona I try to show to you. I do not do this to make feel sorry for me. There is no reason to feel that way. I do ask that you become an ally. I ask you to be someone who will sit with me in the darkness, not to try to fix me, but just to be with me. In being an ally, you can make others aware of what it is like to live with depression and anxiety. You will be raising awareness, which is how we create opportunities for people to get help when depression and/or anxiety become too much. I also ask that if you see any of what I have shared in yourself, that you reach out and ask for support. Depression and anxiety hurt, but when people support each other, we can ease the pain.

                                                                                                                                                                  Take Care,         

                                                                                                                                                                  Gina

 

Checking In: Why Men's Mental Health Matters

Yesterday I realized that I have neglected to post about Men’s Mental Health Month. June became has grown into Men’s Mental Health Month after Congress established and President Bill Clinton signed into law Men’s Mental Health Week in 1994. That’s a long time ago. I am not sure we have made the progress we should have by now.

                  I realized that I had missed posting about this month when I felt like I was adding stress to my brother’s plate. He does not have a mental illness, but he has stressors right now, including my mother’s health and care. Men often deal with stressors that can affect their mental health without any support. Men’s Mental Health Month works to change that as well support men who live with mental illnesses. There is an effort to raise awareness of the mental health challenges men face and to encourage access to support, treatment, and community.

Reducing Stigma

                  I could start this discussion in many ways, but I think reducing stigma can be encompassing of a lot of the issues surrounding men’s mental health. Traditionally, men are seen as the strong ones, the providers. Men are expected to be tough. Often, it is assumed that men can take care of things. This perception can lay a heavy burden on any man, but especially on a man who may have a mental illness. We need to change this perception. Men do struggle emotionally. Men need support. They cannot do everything alone. 

                  As we look to reduce stigma, we need to recognize that it may be difficult for men to talk about emotional struggles. This is just not something that has been a part of the traditional norm in many countries. What if we can provide spaces for men to discuss what they are feeling openly and with the knowledge that it is safe to do so? That seems doable. If not, it should be. 

Along with this we need to normalize men seeking to go to therapy. This is crucial. Therapy is an important part of treating mental illness. Access to therapy is for the most part there, although it could be improved. One of the remaining issues is reducing the stigma. There is this false idea that it is sign of weakness to go to therapy. There is also the misconception that men can just “suck it up” and deal with emotional issues or mental health issues. This is why awareness efforts are important. We can share information about what therapy or counseling really is and how it can help men. 

Discussing Symptoms

                  Mental illnesses have symptoms that are identified as typical of each illness. However, at times symptoms can look different in men. We need to be willing to discuss this and, again, raise awareness. For example, men with depression and/or anxiety might exhibit anger or irritability, risk-taking behaviors, substance abuse, social withdrawal, or excessive work or avoidance. If we can have open discussions about these symptoms, it can lead to men getting the help they need. It goes back to awareness. Friends and loved ones need to be able to recognize these symptoms so that they can offer support or encourage their loved one to seek help. 

Acknowledging the High Suicide Rate Among Men

                  As we are raising awareness about men’s mental health, we need to remember that there is a high rate of suicide among men. Awareness efforts should recognize the suicide rates. Efforts should also be centered on prevention. This includes providing easy access to mental health services. Recognizing warning signs can help with this. 

Direct Suicide Warning Signs

• Talking about wanting to die or kill oneself
• Expressing feelings of hopelessness or having no reason to live
• Saying they feel trapped or that things will never get better
• Talking about being a burden to others
• Looking for ways to die, such as researching suicide methods or obtaining means

    There can also be emotional or behavioral changes including withdrawing from family, friends, and activities they previously enjoyed, loss of interest in work, activities, or hobbies, being noticeably depressed, anxious, or emotionally numb, increased irritability, anger, or aggression, dramatic mood swings, and risk-taking behaviors.

Support Systems That Can Help

                  Providing systems to support men with their mental health is crucial. We cannot leave this to just Men’s Mental Health Month.  It is important to work to provide access to therapy and counseling year-round. Encouraging the creation of more peer support groups for men is important. We also need to encourage men to join these groups. Doing this requires normalizing participation in these groups. Employee assistance programs can be an important support system. 

                  We have more crisis support systems than we have had in the past. It is important that we continue to advocate for funding of crisis support systems. Normalization is needed here as well. Men need to know that it is okay to reach out for help. They need to know that if they are in crisis they can call 911 or 988. They need to know that they can ask a family member or friend to help connect them to crisis support. 

                  Another important part of developing support systems involves education. We need to reach families with education about mental health. It is important to get education and resources in schools and workplaces. This goes back to one of the keys of mental health awareness. We need to make it okay to talk about mental health. We need to let men know that it is okay to talk about mental health.

Final Thoughts

                  Going back to the situation I opened this post with. I am realizing that I have failed at supporting my brother. I spend so much time talking about mental health. Maybe once in a while I need to ask my brother if he is okay. I cannot just talk about mental health without putting what I talk about into practice. I am not saying my brother has a mental illness. I just think maybe he might appreciate being checked in on. I ask you to do the same. Check in on the men in your life.