The Importance of Giving Yourself Grace

                 As someone with a mental illness I am often inundated with negative thoughts. My depression and anxiety know how to talk to me to bring me down. I know I am not alone in this. It is not just those of us with mental illness who are faced with negative thoughts or mental put-downs. Everyone faces these thoughts at times. I am sure even the most confident people sometimes have negative thoughts. 

                  In a recent post I discussed the inner critic. (Silencing Your Inner Critic) It is important to talk back to the inner critic. However, that is not the only thing we need to work on. We need to give ourselves grace. The dictionary defines grace as a disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency. When we treat ourselves with grace, we are kind and courteous to ourselves. We are lenient with ourselves. Sounds like it should be easy, right? For many of us, it is not. 

                  How do we develop the ability to show ourselves grace? It requires practice. We are not going to be able to treat ourselves with grace overnight. Many of us have had years of practice with the inner critic in our ear. Our minds have told us all that is wrong with us or all that we cannot do. Many of us have been told these same things by others. As a result, our minds are accustomed to the negative. Hearing a kind word comes as a shock. 

                  One way to start giving ourselves grace is to practice saying affirmations. We need to continuously affirm ourselves. Some affirmations that are helpful in providing grace include:

·      I’m learning to be gentle with myself.

·      It’s okay to be a work in progress.

·      I release the need to be perfect.

·      I give myself permission to feel, heal, and move forward.

·      I am worthy of love and compassion, even when I stumble.

·      I treat myself with the same kindness I offer to others.

·      I honor myself, even if the results aren’t perfect.

·      Every step forward, no matter how small, is progress.

·      My best today is enough.

 

These affirmations carry a lot of weight and can help us in many ways. They canremind us that growth takes time and kindness. They encourage patience and acceptance of where we are at the present moment. These affirmations allow us to let go of unrealistic standards. When using these affirmations our emotions are validated. They reinforce unconditional self-worth. That is key. So often we lose our sense of self-worth, especially when we are struggling. When we have unconditional self-worth, we can practice self-compassion.

                  Grace is a little word, but it contains so much power. If we can learn to give ourselves grace, we are better able to face life and all that it places in front of us. We need to practice being kinder to ourselves. I have always struggled with giving myself grace. The negative thoughts always seem to be on standby, ready to attack. What if I could answer those thoughts with one of the above affirmations? What if you could? How much better would we feel? 

                  Giving grace to others often comes naturally. Maybe not for everyone, but for most of us giving grace to others is something we are able to do. I have often heard it said that we need to treat others as we would treat ourselves. Unfortunately, that is a misleading statement. So many of us do not treat ourselves well. We would not want to treat someone else with the negativity and harsh comments that we hurl upon ourselves. Maybe that statement could be rewritten to say, “Treat yourself and others with grace.” I thought about adding “that you deserve” to that statement, but I think that would lead many of us into thinking we do not deserve grace. 

                  Take a moment to repeat one of the above affirmations in your head five times. How did that feel? For me it felt a bit strange, but also soothing. It will take practice to get used to treating ourselves with grace, but it is important that we develop this ability. I encourage you to use these affirmations. You can also find others online by doing a search for positive affirmations. Practice saying them. Write them down if that helps you. Put them on sticky notes and place them somewhere you will see them every day. 

                  I leave you with this thought: We are all worthy of grace. We are all worthy of kindness, courtesy, leniency, and compassion. 

One Day, One Moment at a Time

                   I usually post on Thursday, but yesterday I was just too overloaded emotionally and mentally to write. That overload leads me into the topic for this post, taking life one day or even more importantly, one moment at a time. As I navigate several difficult things right now, I am finding that I need to take a step back and focus on the smaller moments. I need to allow myself to focus only on one day at times. When even that seems overwhelming, I need to allow myself to focus on the moment I am in and just take life one moment at a time. 

                  There are benefits to approaching life in smaller segments. This approach can reduce feelings of being overwhelmed. The more we have going on in our lives, the more we need to slow down and approach life in smaller bits. When we slow down our lives can become more manageable. Life does not seem as big. Have you ever heard the saying, “Size matters”? I would say this is true, but it does not mean that things need to be bigger. Perhaps, it is in the smallness of life’s pieces that we find we can keep going. 

                  But the idea of taking life one day, one moment at a time encompasses so much more than just the things we need to do. It is about being present and noticing what is going on in our lives without becoming overwhelmed. Last week I discussed noticing thoughts (Noticing Thoughts). To live in the moment, we need to notice our thoughts. It is in noticing a thought that we can say, “That was tough, but I got through it.” We move from moment to moment. We find our emotions in each moment. It might be frustration, joy, fear, relief, or angst. Each moment carries with it how we are feeling. If we live in each moment, we can choose to stay in that moment and thus that emotion or we can choose to move on. We can move on from the negative feelings. In the same way we can choose to savor the positive moments.

                  A while back I wrote about living every moment. (Live Every Moment) I wrote this in the midst of my cancer battle. That battle taught me that it is important to focus on the little things. I learned to be grateful for each moment I have. I think as I am facing changes in my life and other difficult issues, I sometimes lose sight of how important each moment is. As important as each moment is, it is just a moment. A new one will follow it. So, if something is difficult or painful, there is light outside of that moment. A new moment is around the corner. How we get through the difficult moments will look different for each of us. I use journaling to help me move from moment to moment. Journaling allows me to give the moment space before moving on to the next moment. It also allows me to reflect on the moment. In reflecting I can take what I need from the moment and leave behind what I do not need. 

                  When things are going well our moments may expand into a day or days. That is great. We just need to remember that may not always happen. If we can take the whole day as a moment of joy or peace, we should cherish that experience. We should also commit it to memory. That way on the days that are not so good, we can remind ourselves that there are good days. I am working on doing this. It is learning process. Sometimes I think at this point in life, I should have it figured out, but learning takes a lifetime. We are always learning. We are always growing. We are always living in the moment. 

                  In this moment, I choose to focus on what brings me joy. I choose to set aside the difficult times. This does not mean I won’t struggle. Believe me there are moments when I cannot seem to let go and move on to the next moment. Still, I need to try. I need to give myself permission to live the joyful moments and let go of the moments when I struggle. As you move through your day, I encourage you to try to do the same thing. 

                  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Healing Waters

                  When my depression is heavy and/or my anxiety is high I often need an escape. I need to get away from the environment I am in and find an environment where I can find some bit of healing. A while back I shared that the forest can be that environment for me. (Forest Bathing) Today I want to explore another environment I find healing, the ocean.

                  Water can be soothing. Research suggests that the ocean can help with sensory restoration, mindfulness and presence, physiological relaxation, and increased physical activity. The sound of crashing waves is rhythmic. It can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps calm the body and mind. I find this to be true. I do not need research to tell me the effects of ocean waves, although there is plenty of research out there. 

I listen to ocean waves on a sound machine as I am receiving esketamine treatment. The sound of the waves puts me in a more relaxed state, a state which I believe allows the esketamine to be more effective. I love to stand on the beach and listen to the waves. Even better than a sound machine is standing on a sandy beach and listening to and watching waves crash. There is something healing about this that I cannot explain. I just know I feel it. 

                  A marine biologist, Wallace J. Nichols, came up with the term “Blue Mind Effect”. It describes the mildly meditative state we enter when we are near water. This state is linked to reduced anxiety and improved focus. 

                  Being present is a key component of mindfulness, which has been shown to help with mental health conditions. People often feel more present when surrounded by water. As I think of times when water has been healing for me, I remember being more mindful and more present. The beach in Trinidad, CA, Oceanside, CA, and the ocean waters in Tropea, Italy all have brought me a sense calm. In those settings I can find a way to let go of some of what plagues my mind. I can allow the depression and anxiety to just be while I feel a sense of freedom from its clutches. Honestly, I do not understand how it works or why the ocean waters and sandy beaches are so soothing. They just are. I do not really need science to explain it to me. I will just take it at face value. I wish I could spend more time at the beach. Maybe I need to make more time for beach trips in my life. 

                  Back to some scientific thoughts. Water is linked to symbolic renewal. It can be seen as cleansing and renewing. As a result, people often find they can experience an emotional release or feelings of renewal when they are near water. In my experience this is true. One way I capture this is by writing in my journal. I love to sit on the beach and allow words to flow onto the pages of my journal. I find that I am often more poetic at these times. I can capture my emotions and feelings in words that flow as freely as the water. 

                  If I had it my way, I would live near the beach. I would walk on the sand allowing the water to flow over my bare feet every day. I would breathe in the salty air and exhale my depression and anxiety. 

                  Of course, I am not saying that water can heal mental health conditions on its own. All other treatments are still necessary, but water can be beneficial and is worth incorporating into our mental health toolkits. 

 

 

 

                  

Finding the Positive in Difficult Times

                 This blog is a place where I share thoughts and ideas about mental health. I often share strategies I employ in my own life. I try to be as open as I can. There is no healing without honesty. I am always honest when I write here. If I wasn’t honest my words would not help others and likewise, they would not help me. So, today I want to share that I am struggling with some things. My goal in sharing is to bring hope to myself and others.

                  This morning I had an appointment with my primary care provider, Cristina. I shared with her that I am struggling with several things. Our conversation helped me. I am basically overwhelmed. Not only do I deal with my mental and physical health struggles, but I am also faced with my mother’s illness, which has brought up a lot of emotions for me. I am also preparing to return to work after being off for two years while fighting stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, a disease I wasn’t sure I would survive. Returning to work scares me. Am I ready? Will a principal want to hire me with my restrictions? My last teaching experience was not good. I worry that teaching is no longer the profession for me. I also have this ridiculous fear that my cancer will return as soon as I start a new teaching position. I guess this fear isn’t that ridiculous. My cancer is one that will return. So, I know cancer is not done with me. I just don’t know when it will rear its ugly head and interfere with my life again. 

                  Back to my conversation with Cristina. She said some things that really impacted me. She shared a story about someone else struggling with cancer. It makes me sad to hear about others facing this illness and knowing they struggle with the same emotional aspects that I have faced. Knowing I am not alone is comforting. It is not that I want anyone else to suffer, but it helps to know it’s not just me. 

Cristina listened to my fears. Then she turned them around. She told me I had to find the positives in what was ahead of me. I listened as she put a positive spin on my return to work. She was realistic yet reassured my cancer fears. She told me not to focus on a date. What I took from that is that I need to live in the moment. Cancer will come back, but like my oncologist, Dr. S, says, she will be ready to treat it when it does. Fear can’t help me. I need to remain positive that I will fight again and beat cancer.

Cristina also reframed my return to work. What if I like my new teaching position? I can’t focus on the negative. Sure, I don’t know where I will end up teaching or what I will end up teaching. I taught for 26 years. I can face whatever I am presented with.

My mental health issues are going to follow me into every aspect of my life. That is just a fact, but I am prepared to deal with that. I have my treatment and therapy. I have my mental health team. I have Cristina. I have my aunt. My fears about cancer and returning to work are fueled by my anxiety. In my last post I discussed noticing thoughts. I think that is what I need to do with these fears. I think that is what Cristina was telling me. Notice a thought, acknowledge it, and move on to something positive. 

I didn’t really acknowledge the other area I am struggling with.  I am watching my mother’s health deteriorate. It is hard. It brings up a lot of issues for me. How can it not? I need to allow myself to acknowledge my thoughts about her and what is happening. I have no control in this situation other than the control of my own response to it. I have found that allowing myself to write about it helps me. So, I will continue to do that. I choose to keep that writing in my journal because it is not something I am ready to share. 

This post feels like it is all over the place. I am going to let it be because that is where I am at right now.  I think I need to go back to what Cristina said about focusing on the positives. It is that focus that carries us through difficult times. Sometimes we need other people to remind us that we are on the right track and that we are going to be okay. We each have struggles and it is easy to get caught up in the negative. But what if we chose to focus on the positive outcomes that are possible. Can we manifest those positive outcomes? I don’t know, but I think it is worth trying. The alternative isn’t very pleasant. 

I end this with a thank you to Cristina for words that go beyond caring for my physical health and for taking the time to treat me as a whole person, both mental and physical. We need more health care providers like her. 

 

Noticing Thoughts

                Today I was participating in the cancer support group that I am a part of. One of the other members said something that really struck me. She said when we have thoughts, they are just that, thoughts. They are not necessarily reality. She went on to say that our role is to notice the thought and then move on. In a nutshell this is mindfulness. As I processed her words, I realized that I often get trapped in my thoughts. I need to do a better job of noticing a thought or emotion and then moving on. I think I notice thoughts when I am journaling, but I cannot journal every moment of the day. I need to work on noticing a thought as it occurs and acknowledging it for what it is. Then I should move on to whatever is next. 

                  In the past I have read about mindfulness. Noticing thoughts is a part of mindfulness. Since I was still trying to decide on a topic for today’s post, I thought I would do a quick search on noticing and share what I found.

                  Noticing thoughts is sometimes called meta-cognitive awareness. It has been proven to help reduce symptoms of anxiety, depression, and rumination. It does this by activating the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for regulation. By activating the prefrontal cortex, it avoids the amygdala, which would be responsible for reactivity. So, noticing thoughts and then moving on helps with thought regulation.

                  There is a practice known as Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), which was developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn, that teaches people to notice thoughts and feelings without judgement. The main idea with this practice is that we are not our thoughts. 

                  Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) uses “noticing” to create cognitive defusion, which is seeing thoughts as separate from oneself. This practice teaches people to respond to thoughts by saying “I’m having the thought that…” instead of “This thought is true.” In this way we take a step back from our thoughts and see them as just thoughts not reality.

                  The key to noticing thoughts is bringing awareness to our thoughts. We need to shift from being inside the thought to seeing it as a mental event. We want to try to observe the thought to avoid being consumed by it. 

                  If I were to apply this to my life I could work on noticing anxiety. Instead of saying “I am anxious”, I could work on saying “I am noticing anxiety in my thoughts.” Recognizing the difference between these two statements can help me avoid being consumed by my anxiety. The same process could be used for depression. I would notice that I am feeling depression rather than stating that I am depressed. This separation may seem slight, but it can have a major impact on how I respond to the thought. Noticing thoughts reduces my reactivity to the thoughts. People tend to employ an automatic response to certain thoughts. I know I have this tendency. By noticing thoughts, we can interrupt the automatic responses we have developed. Noticing a thought allows us to pause, reflect, and engage in an intentional response. 

                  I am sure I am not the only one who mistakes thoughts for truths. When we pause to notice a thought, we can recognize that it is just a thought. Thoughts are not commands, predictions, or truths. If we can notice our thoughts, we can weaken the hold negative thoughts have on us. 

                  As I was searching online for information on noticing, I came across a practice that seems like it would be effective. It is called “Name it to tame it”. It is a simple practice. When a thought arises, first pause. Then silently say, “I’m noticing the thought that…” Then return your attention to the present moment. This may be your breath, your surroundings, or whatever you were doing. These steps may not come naturally, but with practice we can get better at it.  I am going to commit to trying this practice. I am hopeful that it will help me especially as I am navigating some difficult times right now. 

                  I encourage everyone to work on noticing their thoughts. We just might find that we can improve our mental health in this way.

 

Can Pets Help Our Mental Health?

                 I have often heard well-meaning people say that I should get a pet, more specifically a dog. They always say a pet would be good for my mental health. “A pet will make you less depressed” or “A dog will make you happy.” I always scoffed at these suggestions. I was sure a pet couldn’t help me. After all, pets usually made me anxious. 

                  I am learning that I may have been wrong about having a pet. My mom is too ill to take care of her dog, Panda, an 11-year-old Maltese-Shih Tzu mix. So, guess who has Panda. That’s right I do. At first my thoughts were “My house isn’t pet-proof” and “I don’t know how to take care of a dog.” My brother has two large dogs. That meant he could not take little Panda. In the two and a half weeks I have had Panda I have grown to enjoy her company. I have learned that I am able to take care of a pet. I have a new walking buddy. Panda loves to walk. We take at least four walks a day. Our daily walks have become longer and longer. Each of the last two days we have walked over 10,000 steps. I am getting the exercise I need. Panda is enjoying every minute of it. 

                  My brother commented that Panda and I both seem to be doing so much better. Is he right? Is a dog improving my mood? I guess she is. My brother also commented that I should write about pets. That surprised me. Not only did he recognize the improvement in me, but he encouraged me to write about it. I did not know my brother was that aware of my writing. So, here it is. I am writing about pets and mental health. 

                  I did a little research and found that there is documented evidence that pets can improve a person’s mental health. This did not surprise me. What surprises me is that a dog is improving my mental health. Back to the research. I discovered seven ways that pets can improve mental health. Here they are:

                  Reduce Stress and Anxiety: Research has found that petting animals can trigger the release of calming hormones, like oxytocin, and reduce levels of the stress hormone, cortisol. I have found that it is soothing to pet Panda. She has taken to sleeping on my bed. I find it relaxing to pet her as I try to fall asleep. This has been helpful because falling asleep is usually a stressor for me. Another way spending time with a pet can reduce stress and anxiety is by creating a sense of routine. It also provides a sense of grounding. Both reduce feelings of anxiety.

                  Combat Loneliness: Pets are a source of companionship. When you live alone or have limited social interaction, pets can provide a sense of companionship. I am finding this to be true. I even talk to Panda as if she were a friend. I guess I am feeling less alone. 

                  Improved Mood: The neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin increase when interacting with pets. These neurotransmitters regulate mood and pleasure. So, an increase in these is good for a person’s mood. On a less technical level, pets are often a source of joy, laughter, and affection. 

                  Encourage Physical Activity:  Walking and playing with a dog are good sources of regular exercise. It is well-documented that exercise is effective at reducing depression and anxiety. I am finding this to be true. Maybe it’s coincidence or maybe walking Panda is really improving my mood.

                  Enhance Routine and Responsibility: Taking care of pets requires structure. When a person struggles with depression or other mental illness, structure is important. The addition of a pet to one’s life can provide that structure. I have noticed that in just a couple of weeks Panda and I have settled into a structured routine. 

                  Provide Emotional Support: Some people require Emotional Support Animals (ESA). These animals can help a person with mental health challenges by offering stability during emotional distress. Even if your pet is not an ESA, he or she can provide comfort. Just sitting and petting a dog can be soothing.

                  Improve Social Interaction: When you take a dog for a walk or when you head to a pet-friendly park, you have opportunities for social interaction. I have noticed that more people in my neighborhood say hi to me as I walk Panda. The social interaction that stems from walking a dog can lead to improved social skills and a reduction of feelings of alienation. 

                  As I think about these ways pets can improve mental health, I think I am experiencing them. Now, I am not saying that a pet can cure mental illness. Based on my experience of the past two weeks, I think that maybe pets can be a part of improving mental health. I am happy with my experience with Panda. I do not know how long Panda will be with me. Right now, it looks like we will be living together for a while. It is certainly helping me to have Panda around. I do not know what the long-term effects will be on my mental health, but for now, Panda is helping me. I would like to think I am helping her as I am sure she misses my mom. So, I guess, maybe those people who told me I needed a pet were onto something.