“Say something kind to yourself today.” - Unknown
Most of us have heard the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I’m guessing most of us assume this refers to how we talk to others, but what if we flip it around and consider that it might also refer to how we speak to ourselves? That is more difficult than saying nice things to others. I know I struggle with how I talk to myself. Those thoughts that run through our minds can often be quite harsh. This is especially true if you live with a mental illness.
The way we talk to ourselves is referred to as self-talk. We can define self-talk as “talk or thoughts directed as oneself” (Merriam-Webster). That is a very simplistic definition. I think we can also consider self-talk as inner monologues and dialogues. Sometimes our self-talk is our mind speaking to us. It tells us how we are doing. It tells us what we should do and reflects on what we have already done. For some of us, self-talk can be hurtful. Depression and anxiety can interfere with how we talk to ourselves. The negative ideas that are generated by depression and anxiety can grow loud. This intensifies the depression and anxiety. It can be a vicious circle that is difficult to interrupt.
Saying something nice to yourself sounds simple, right? Just be kind to yourself the way you are kind to others. No big deal, right? I don’t know about you, but it is not easy for me. Part of the reason is the depression and anxiety I live with. These illnesses use my inner voice to speak to me. It is always negative. Depression and anxiety are harsh critics, who always find a way to tell me what is wrong with me. Basically, they capture my inner voice and turn it against me. This is difficult to live with. I would love to say kind things to myself, but depression and anxiety have other ideas.
So, we know depression and anxiety, as well as other mental illnesses, can cause negative self-talk. How do we fight back? How do we take back our voice? Before I share ideas on this, I will be honest and say that I am not always good at what I am about to share. I spend a lot of time working on my mental health. I have learned how these illnesses work. I have learned strategies for living with mental illness. Despite all I have learned, all the knowledge I have, I still struggle at times. I need reminders to practice what I am going to share about developing kind self-talk. That is where kindness comes in. Kindness involves giving ourselves grace. So, I will give myself grace as I share this. I recognize that I need work at this. So, if you struggle, too, know that you are not alone. One of the purposes of this blog is for us to grow together as we learn about depression and other mental illnesses.
Ways to Change Negative Self-Talk into Kind Words
· Notice the self-talk, thought, without believing it –This strategy requires us to recognize the self-talk. Let’s say self-talk is telling us “I am a mess. I can’t do anything right.” Our first step would be to pause. Then we need to say, “I am having a thought that I am a mess.” By recognizing the self-talk as a thought, we are creating some distance between ourselves and that thought.
· Ask ourselves if we would say that to someone else – Often, we are harder on ourselves than we would be to a friend. Using the above example, would I tell a friend that they are a mess? The answer is likely, no. What we can do is rephrase the thought. We could say, “I am struggling right now, and things are difficult.” If we were talking to a friend, we would like help them recognize that they are going through a rough time and that they are not the problem. It is important that we do the same for ourselves.
· Remove judgement and replace it with observation – If our self-talk tells us, “I am stupid,” we can try to replace that by saying, “I have made some mistakes lately, but I am trying.” When we try to make honest observations, we can talk back to the judgement of our self-talk and be kinder to ourselves.
· When being compassionate it is important to also be realistic- We should not tell ourselves something that may be unrealistic. Saying, “I am perfect,” may be unrealistic to replace negative self-talk. Is anyone really perfect? Of course not. Instead, we can use self-talk phrases such as, “I am learning,” “Even though this is difficult, I am trying,” or “I do not like how I acted in that situation, but I can work on reacting differently.” We might also simply tell ourselves that it is okay to make mistakes.
· Watch out for cognitive distortions – These are inaccurate thought patterns that lead us to perceive reality incorrectly. This can include all or none thinking, mind-reading, and catastrophizing. All or none thinking might include self-talk that tells us one person dislikes us so everyone must dislike us. Mind-reading might be something like “They all think I am worthless, so I must be worthless.” Catastrophizing can sound like “If I don’t finish this task on time, the whole project will be ruined.” To counter cognitive distortions, we can ask what evidence supports or doesn’t support the self-talk. Then use self-talk to present that evidence. Using the mind-reading example, providing evidence that counters the idea that we must be worthless, we might say to ourselves, “I listen to my student’s needs when they are struggling. Must be helping this student. I have a purpose with this student,” or “I feed my dog every day. She depends on me.”
· Look for the deeper meaning of the self-talk – Ask: “What is the struggle that is causing me to talk to myself this way?” Recognize that we are dealing with a lot. If we have a mental illness, we can reply to inner voice with something like, “There are a lot of heavy things going on in my life right now. These make things difficult for me.”
· BE KIND TO OURSELVES (Be compassionate with ourselves.) – Have some ready-made statements to say to ourselves. Our self-talk likely runs with a familiar dialogue. It has its go-to criticisms and harsh words. We can counter that with our own familiar pattern or phrases. These might include: “This really hurts”, “Other people struggle like this. It is not just me”, or “I am diagnosed with depression. Having hurtful thoughts is part of the depression. These thoughts are not a character flaw”. Most importantly, we need ask ourselves what we need now? Then we need to try to provide that even if we need to ask for help.
All this goes ack to saying something kind to ourselves. When we live with a mentalillness our thought patterns speak to us in painful and negative ways. We need to have phrases and statements ready to counter the self-talk caused by mental illness. (Or even just life. We do not need to have a mental illness to struggle with negative self-talk.) I think an important thing to remember is that we deserve kindness, even when we do not believe that we do. We can talk back to negative thoughts. Part of it is habit building. Another part of it is understanding that we have worth. That is something that is often difficult when depression or anxiety have captured our inner voice, but it can be done.
I guess I would like to end this post with the idea that we all have an inner voice. No one escapes negative self-talk. Though they may deny it, even those who seem full of confidence hear a negative inner voice at times. Perhaps, if we each say something kind to ourselves every day, we will be one step closer to feeling better about ourselves. To end this post here is a quick list of kind things we can all say to ourselves:
· I matter.
· I am worthy of care.
· I am worthy of respect.
· I am doing the best I can with what I have.
· I am enough.
· I can focus on the next small step.
· I do not need to do this alone.
· I have people who care about me in my life.
· Getting through today is enough.
· My symptoms/diagnosis are not my identity.
· It’s okay if some days are harder than others.
· My worth is not measured by my productivity.
· I have strengths even if I can’t see them clearly right now.
· I can learn from this.
· I can be kind to myself while I figure things out.
· I can be a friend to myself right now.
We might even just state what is going on. That can be an act of kindness. This might sound like:
· I’m having a tough day.
· I need some rest.
· I need some self-care.
· I’m trying.
· I made it through the day.
Do you have ideas for other kind things we can say to ourselves? Write them in the comments.
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