September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Last year I wrote a series of posts about suicide on this blog. This month I want to share something related to suicide prevention awareness that I feel is extremely important to understand. Let me start by saying that I have lived with suicidal thoughts for almost 40 years. The severity has fluctuated over the years. At times these thoughts have led me to the edge of taking my life. Other times the thoughts have been what is considered passive suicidal thoughts, meaning the thoughts are there but the intention is not. I would like to write about the things that make want to stay for another Monday. The focus being on the “stay” part. Wanting to stay indicates wanting to live.
I Want to See Another Monday
Sometimes when we live with depression, we can be overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts. There are thoughts of wanting to die. For me there are times when the thought is just a passing thought and other times when it becomes persistent. I am still here for a couple reasons. One is the incredible mental health team that has supported me. The other reason is that I want to stay to see another Monday. Really it could be any day. I am using Monday here because it is the start of the week.
What makes me want to see another Monday? It is the little things, I think. Starting my morning off with a caramel cold brew from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf is one. The rich taste of coffee paired with smooth caramel gives me a boost each morning. The baristas always greet me by name and remember my drink order. That seems like something little, but it makes feels welcomed and known. That is a reason to live.
Another thing that makes me want to see another Monday is music. Whether I am feeling down or want to feel alive, I find hope in music. Some days it is my go-to bands, Styx and Jefferson Airplane. These bands hold so much of the depression for me. I think a lot of people can relate to music being uplifting, but for me it is more than that. I find safety in music. I can relate to certain songs and know things will be okay. It was a song by Grace Slick of the Jefferson Airplane that first brought me back from the brink of suicide as a teenager. That song, “Let It Go”, still reminds me that life is worth living. In the years since I have discovered other music and other musicians that make me feel that I want to stay to listen to what they will release next or go to see them in concert the next time they are nearby. I need to stay to see another Monday to do that.
My niece and nephew make me want to see another Monday. They are young adults now. Time sure does fly. I want to see what life brings them. I want to watch them explore what life has to offer. I want to be a witness to their milestones. I want to hear their stories when I visit them. I want to be the aunt they want to share their lives with, not the aunt who left them.
I want to see another Monday because I beat cancer, and I did not fight cancer to let depression win. Seeing another Monday means I will have another round of my treatment to prevent the cancer from coming back. Seeing another Monday means I am fighting to live and that I have strength left inside of me. I am moving forward in life and not hitting a stopping point.
Seeing another Monday means that the efforts of my mental health team have meant something. It means I did not let them down. Each Monday I see means I am taking their efforts and utilizing them in my life. I am living because they have been by my side helping me realize that I want to see the next Monday.
Maybe seeing another Monday means I will watch The Big Bang Theory for the umpteenth time and laugh at a scene I have memorized. It means I will have my comfort show on the television while my dog, Panda sleeps at my feet. Panda is another reason I want to see another Monday. We still have many walks to take. Panda has a lot of trees to sniff while I stand taking in the sights around me.
I want to live to see another Monday because I want to see who wins the WNBA Championship. Will the Lynx finally get past the Aces? What about the 2028 Olympics? Can the US Women’s Olympic team hold off France again? There is so much women’s basketball to watch.
Seeing a new Monday every week means I am working to heal. It is easy to slip into the suicidal thoughts. The fight against those thoughts is not easy. I live with depression. Suicidal thoughts are a part of depression. There are more of us living with depression and suicidal thoughts than most people think. Each of us battles in our own way. Each of us wants to see another Monday. The thing is depression and suicidal thoughts can be loud. I think focusing on living to see another Monday and all that Monday, holds are ways we can focus our battle. Focusing on seeing the next Monday gives us a way to measure where we are at. It gives us a way to focus on something achievable. So, for now, I want to see the next Monday, and the one after that. And…
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