Living With Depression for 40 Years: Learning to Take Back My Life

As I have shared many times, I have lived with depression for almost 40 years.  That is a long time to get to know each other. I think depression and I know each other well. For example, I know when depression is likely to creep into my conscious awareness. I know when the weight of depression is more than I can handle on my own. At the same time depression knows when it can slip in and take hold of me. It knows when it can push me to the edge, when suicidal thoughts will consume me, making life difficult.

                  Since we know each other so well, maybe depression and I should communicate more openly. Or at least talk to each other. In all honestly, I do not want to have a conversation with depression now. It is hard to talk to depression because it diminishes me, and I know that at times it does not want me to live. Still, considering our closeness, we should communicate. So, maybe I will write a letter to depression. Even a letter seems a little more personal than I want to be with depression, but I guess it is true that we should communicate. So, here goes:

 

Hey Depression,

         We have had a long and difficult run. 40 years. You crept in when I was too young to defend myself. I was just a kid. I did not know what was happening as you began to darken my world. I remember how strong your grip was at that time. Right from the start you consumed me. You made my world dark and forced me to believe that life was not worth living. 

         Our early years together were difficult. I had no help, at least not any real help. I allowed you to tighten your grip on me because I did not know I could fight back. We have engaged in this dance for years. It became our norm. You would darken my world, and I would live in that world. I would have negative thoughts. The thoughts would hurt. Negative self-talk became natural to me. You sat back and snickered..

         Over the years I have learned that I can fight back. It has taken a lot of work to learn this. Sometimes just when I think I am about to push you out of my life for good, you reach back in and torment me. Then I fade into your darkness again.

Thankfully, as an adult I found help for dealing with you. Even with that help, it has not been easy. There are times when I am okay. It is in those times that I have found a way to silence you. Sometimes it has been through medication. Often, therapy has carried me when you have beaten me up. Therapy has taught me skills for fighting you. Yes, it is a fight. You refuse to leave me alone. So, I need to fight you. I have learned a lot of coping skills. From journaling and writing poetry to walking, listening to music, and hypnosis, I have practices I can turn to when I need help pushing back against your darkness. 

Later in life, I learned I needed extra weapons. TMS and esketamine became new weapons in my arsenal. Of course, I cannot use those alone. Actually, therapy and medication require support as well. I guess the battle against you cannot be fought alone. That is a lesson itself. I have learned I need to allow myself to be open to the help of mental health professionals who can guide and support me. You are a strong foe. There are days when I wonder if I will ever overcome you. Then I remember the support I have. I remember the people who are on my side. They are the people you are afraid of because you know they help me develop the skills I need to lessen the darkness you blanket me with. 

Maybe you are in my life to stay. That does not mean I need to let you dictate how I respond and how I live my life. We are separate, you and me. It has taken me decades to learn that. It is a simple fact, really. Yes, you reside inside of me and have for a long time, but I have a say in how I respond to you. There will be days when you drag me down. There will also be days when I say enough is enough. Those are the days when I experience what life has to offer. Those are the days when your darkness fades and I find joy in experiences. I find light in the little moments that mean so much.

Depression, you and I have danced for so long. I do not remember a time when you were not alongside of me. It is time for me to change the dance steps. I can take the lead now. You may pop up from time to time. That is okay. I have my support and tools to work against you. I want to experience the positives in life. I do not need your negative focus. So, now I lead the dance. 

                                                                        With a new perspective,

                                                                        Gina

 

Maybe I am being overconfident in saying I will lead the dance with depression. I think that is okay. I might need some overconfidence. There will be times when I struggle. Maybe more times than I want. The important thing is the desire to lead the dance. That desire translates into a desire to live, which is something depression has stolen from me. I am stealing my desire to live back. It may not always be easy. That is okay. I know I have support. I know there are people on my side whose presence in my life is stronger than depression. They give me strength. So, Depression, take what you will from my letter and know that I am growing stronger. Your control over me is taking a hit. I am throwing a punch instead of taking the hit.