Hair Loss

            As I mentioned in my last post, I have cancer.  It has been a difficult time.  I have had trouble writing.  Usually writing is healing for me.  I have found it hard to sit down and write.  Cancer and the treatment are taking a lot out of me.  However, I am determined to write because I know it provides me with an avenue to release what I am thinking.  

            In the past couple of days, I’ve written two poems.  I am going to share one with you today.  First, let me provide a little background.  I knew I was going to lose my hair.  To maintain some sense of control, I had my hair cut short.  I thought I’d get ahead of the hair loss.  I thought it would take some time before I my hair started falling out on its own.  Unfortunately, I was wrong. Hair is already coming out.  It has hit me hard.  Somehow, the hair loss makes the cancer more real.  I don’t know how to explain it.  So, I wrote about it.  

            Here is the poem:

 

Hair Loss

 

I have always hated my hair.

Tangled and frizzed,

Matted into hidden knots.

Curls others envied,

I looked upon as difficult to manage.

Now my brown locks are gone. 

My hair is falling out.

No more curls.

A glance in the mirror,

I appear different. 

My face no longer hidden by long curls.

I have lost a part of my identity.

I knew it would happen.

A side effect of the medication I need to live.

I understand,

The loss means the medication is at work,

But it reminds me how real this disease truly is. 

Hair loss should not bring such tears.

Still the tears flow.

My mind questions what is happening within my body.

On the outside hair falls out.

Inside medication and cells are at war.

A battle that will determine if I live or die.

My tears flow as my hair falls out.

Reminding me that a killer disease dwells within me.  

The hair is symbolic, but my tears are real.

Cancer has grabbed hold of me and

My hair loss will not allow me to forget. 

A Shift in My Journey

           It has been over a week since I posted.  It’s not that I haven’t wanted to post.  I just haven’t been able to write. I need to be up front about what it is going on.  I hope all of you reading this will understand.  I am very open about my mental health.  It is only fair that I be open about my physical health as well.  Recently, I was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer.  This diagnosis has hit me hard.  I thought I had been on top of breast screenings.  In March my mammogram was normal.  How do I even have breast cancer now?  Yesterday the doctor explained that my cancer is fast-growing.  It is in my liver, too.  I just had scans done to see if it is anywhere else.  I’m waiting for the results.  The waiting has been difficult.  I fear the cancer is spreading as I wait for treatment to start. 

            Monday, August 14^th, will be my first chemotherapy treatment.  I’m scared.  I’m worried I don’t have the strength to fight this battle.  My depression was just getting better.  I had a new job to look forward to.  This blog was doing well. I was getting more involved with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).  Then in an instant my primary care provider said one word that brought that all crashing down. CANCER.  I’m grateful she is the one who told me.   She was gentle and understanding.  Hearing it from her rather than some other doctor made it easier.  But that word is seared into my mind.  I have cancer.

            One of the things I’ve been struggling with is the fact that I’ve battled depression my whole life.  Isn’t that enough?  Why cancer on top of depression? I question whether I have the strength to fight both simultaneously.  My psych team has been great. All three of them are supporting me and I know they will help me deal with the depression.  

            There are so many unknowns.  I have so many questions.  My journey has taken a new twist.  It is a serious twist into the unknown.  One that I will have to learn to navigate whether I like it or not.  It won’t be easy.  There will be rough days ahead.  I’m in pain and often don’t feel well.  That is to be expected.  

            I want to keep this blog going.  Writing has always been healing for me.  Maybe chronicling my journey and writing about different aspects of depression will be healing for me.  I have plans to ask some people for guest posts to help me keep the blog updated.  Unfortunately, I can’t promise I’ll write to two posts a week.  Please keep reading.  I promise to do my best to get posts written.  If you have ideas for future posts, write them in the comments. 

            Obviously, I don’t know what the future holds.  I remain committed to mental health awareness, especially as it relates to depression.  I won’t give up and I ask that you don’t give up on me. 

 

Depression in the Workplace

           A lot of us who suffer from depression still must hold down jobs.  Working while depressed is difficult.  For most of my life I have managed, but there have been times when I have been forced to take time off.  The first time was several years ago.  The psychiatrist I was seeing at the time decided to switch the class of medication I was on, which required me to come completely off depression medication for a couple of weeks.  As a result, she took me out of work for two months.  I attended an outpatient program during this time.  It was helpful.  However, I felt helpless without work.  I remember feeling guilty about not working.  It was obvious that I couldn’t work, but the guilt was still there.

            I was taken out of work for a couple of weeks last year.  Again, feelings of guilt arose.  I also felt like I had to hide the real reason I was not working.  I was embarrassed to admit that it was because of my mental health.  I didn’t want my boss to know.  I didn’t want most of my colleagues to know.  I feared they would not understand.  That is a product of the stigma that surrounds mental illness. Quite frankly, it sucks.  

            Several months ago, I had to take more time off work.  This time it was for about 6 weeks plus the winter break.  I had been struggling for a few months. Work was making it worse.  It reached the point where my depression and its overwhelming thoughts were making it too difficult for me to focus on work.  When the suicidal thoughts started popping into my head at work, I knew I had to tell my psych team and get help.  It wasn’t safe or healthy for me to be at work. 

            Again, I was afraid to let anyone know the real reason I was out.  My primary care provider filled out the FMLA paperwork for me so that it wasn’t obvious that it was my mental health.  I am grateful to her for understanding and doing that.  Yet the truth is, I shouldn’t have to be afraid to have my psychiatrist do the paperwork.  Depression is a real illness.  Unfortunately, so many workplaces and bosses don’t understand.  I knew my boss wouldn’t understand and feared she would belittle me.  That is not a good feeling.  

            When your mind is consumed by depression it is difficult to focus on work.  For me, I have trouble with memory when my depression is bad.  I can’t keep my thoughts organized because the thoughts ruled by the depression are in the forefront.  I become frustrated easily.  It is almost impossible to hide that I am not okay.  I tend to stop interacting with colleagues because I fear they won’t understand.  I don’t want to be a burden on them either.  All of this points to how depression is a real illness.  It has a major impact on my ability to function in the workplace.  This fact has become more apparent to me as I was just diagnosed with a physical illness that is going to require a battle.  Now, I will be battling two illnesses simultaneously.  I have realized that I can’t hide either one.  I am going to need my support team, my friends, and my family.  I won’t be able to continue to work.  I hope that I won’t lose my job.  It is also my hope to continue with this blog.  Writing has always been healing for me and I am going to need that healing component in the coming days, weeks, months.  

            I’ll end this post with this thought, working with any illness is difficult.  Working with mental illness is no different than working with a physical illness.  I am going to try to be straightforward in explaining what I can and cannot do.  If an employer or colleague doesn’t understand, there is nothing I can do.  I must take care of me.  

 

Check back on Monday, July 31^st for my next post.

 

Finding the Right Therapist

            Therapy is a key part of living with depression.  I believe it is vital to have the right therapist. Whether that person is a psychologist, counselor, or therapist finding the right one is vital.  Finding the right one can be a process.  There will be some that just don’t meet your needs.  That doesn’t mean that he or she is not a good therapist.  It just means the fit is not right.  

            In the early years of my depression, I saw several different therapists.  I have been with the same therapist, a psychologist, for 21 years now.  He provides for my needs and understands me.  Therapy is often a difficult journey in which you face many of your challenges head on.  For me it has been beneficial to be with the same psychologist for years because he knows me, and I am comfortable talking to him.  Therapy requires openness and a willingness to trust.  That has built up for me.  I know that when I go into a therapy session, I will make progress.  That progress may look different each time.  That is okay.  It is part of the journey.  

            So, what should you look for in a good therapist.  A simple search of the internet will give you many qualities.  Here are some that I feel are important:

 

·      Trustworthiness

·      Empathy

·      Communication Skills

·      The ability to listen to what is said and not said

·      Compassion

·      Critical Thinking

·      Optimism

·      Observation Skills

·      Hopeful/Positive

·      Patience

 

            It is important to feel comfortable with your therapist.  You will spend a lot of time working with him or her.  Your relationship, while professional, needs to be sincere.  It needs to be built on trust.  As the patient, you need to know that your therapist has your best interests at heart.  Your therapist needs to know that you will be honest with him or her.  It is not good to hide things from your therapist.  Don’t paint a picture you think he or she wants to hear.  Your therapist needs to know your reality.  He or she deserves to know your reality.  That is the only way they can help you battle depression (or other mental illness).  

            Therapy is a two-way street.  For it to be successful there must be commitment from both the patient and the therapist.  Together you embark on a journey.  You will navigate many aspects of your depression.  Some sessions will be the “feel good” type.  Others will be deep and gut-wrenching.  Both types are necessary.  

            Whether you already have a therapist, or you are just beginning your search, remember that the decision of fit is yours to make.  You need to be proactive for yourself, but it’s also okay to ask for help.  Make the best of your patient-therapist relationship.  He or she is a key member of your support team and will make a difference in your treatment. 

 

Check back Thursday, July 27^th for a new post.   

A Poem About Living with Depression

            I am going through some difficult things right now and couldn’t write a post for today.  My mind is just not in the right place to write.  Not being able to write actually adds to my struggle.  I hope you will forgive me for not having more to post today.  I hope to have one written for Monday.  For today, I am going to share a poem that I wrote in the past about living with depression.  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

 

Depression

 

Depression hurts.

It is a silent pain.

Often hidden from others.

A smile on the outside masks the torment within my mind.

Words spin in my head.

Thoughts that will not stop create a barrage that drags me down.

No one hears these thoughts.

Others cannot comprehend the pain caused by these nagging words.

Depression is a lonely condition.

One that so often a person battles alone.

Out of fear that others will not understand, I isolate myself.

The depression gathers strength.

I worry others will notice and think that I am weak.

Despite knowing the depression is real, 

I fear others will belittle my affliction.

Society does not recognize the reality of depression.

People tell me to cheer up.

They do not understand that I would if I could.

There is no on-and-off switch.

I will continue to fight depression.

Some days the depression will win;

Other days I will win.

A lifelong battle with an invisible illness.

Depression hurts, depression debilitates,

But my silent battle preserves.

 

Check back on Monday, July 24^th for my next post.

 

A Personal Observation About Healthcare for People with Mental Illness

            There is something on my mind. I was just in the hospital for physical health-related issues. For the most part everyone was great, but I have one concern. The doctor on the unit stopped my depression medication. Now medications don’t work for me, but my psychiatrist has decided to keep me on this one while we pursue alternative treatments. How can the doctor just take me off it? I have enough experience with psychiatric medications to understand that tapering is needed. So, I questioned why my medication was stopped. I said my psychiatrist, whom I trust, says I need it. After my questioning, another doctor said I could take it, but that I would have to get someone to bring it to me from home because the hospital doesn’t have it. I understand I’m on a medication that is not very common, but that’s not my fault. 

      My concern is that my needs as a person with a mental illness were dismissed by a doctor providing care for my physical needs. I shouldn’t have to speak up to get the medication I need. This is an example of one of the many problems people with mental illness face in healthcare. We must get better.

            I do want to say that there are good people in healthcare.  The nurses were understanding about why I needed my medication.  My primary care provider understands mental health and always ensures my needs are met.  Unfortunately, there are others out there who are not understanding whether from lack of training or lack of care. This is not the first time I have experienced this type of treatment.  I’ll return to this topic in later posts and share my experiences and invite others to share theirs.

 

Check back Thursday, July 19^th for my next post.

            

 

 

 

The Impact of Depression on Self-Esteem

            It is difficult to live in a world of darkness without it affecting your self-esteem. As I have mentioned, I have lived with depression since I was 14 years old.  During a time when I should have been discovering myself, learning my likes and dislikes, developing my talents and interests, depression was telling me that my life wasn’t worth living.  This prevented those things from happening.  I did not have the opportunity to build confidence or self-esteem.  Instead, I saw everything through the dark lens of depression. My mind focused on the negatives I felt.  It focused on the pain.  My mind didn’t experience happiness.  That set the stage for life moving forward.

            Self-esteem is defined as “confidence in one’s own worth and abilities”. (Oxford Languages and Google) As a person with depression, I struggle to believe in my own worth.  The messages in my mind tell me that I am not worth anything and that life is not worth living.  It makes sense that developing self-esteem would be near impossible with my mind being filled with these messages. As a result, I struggle with self-esteem.  I can understand that I have developed skills in my profession, but it is hard for me to take ownership of them.  

            It is hard to believe in myself when my mind is telling me all that I can’t do.  Depression prevents me from wanting to engage in life, dragging every aspect of my life down.  How do you tell yourself that you are good at something when you are just going through the motions?  Life becomes just an attempt to get by.  There is no real enjoyment.  

            I know I am not alone in this.  Depression steals self-esteem.  It prevents self-esteem from developing.  You can see it in the way a person with depression interacts with the world.  There is a lack of hope in our interactions that reflects our inner thoughts.  That lack of hope is a result of not having a belief in our own worth.  We have heard the negative in our minds for so long that self-esteem escapes us.

            So, how can we develop self-esteem.  For me, I have even struggled to believe that I have the capability of healing.  My mind has told me that I cannot do the things necessary to heal.  To battle this, I have had to hang onto the hope of my team.  I have had to let others hope for me.  It has helped.  But what else can we do?  How do we develop self-esteem when the depression is so loud?

            For starters, the steps must be simple.  People with depression are often not able to make big changes quickly.  We also must remember that there will be setbacks.  Here are a few things we can try:

·      Visualize: Try closing your eyes and bringing up an image of doing something well.

·      Journal: Write down what you are thinking. Try a two-way journal entry – write the negative thoughts you are having and then write a response to those thoughts from the perspective of someone who believes in you.  Maybe use words you have heard your therapist or psychiatrist use.

·      Self-Talk/Talk Back: When a thought tells you that you are not good at something, give it a little backtalk.  Say, “You are wrong. I can do that.”  This isn’t easy, but it is worth practicing.

·      Use affirmations: Find affirmations that help you and put them in places you will read them. Try memorizing a few.

·      Set realistic goals: Work with a psychologist, therapist, or trusted friend to set achievable goals for yourself.  

 

            As I write these strategies, I realize you might be thinking what I would think if I read them: “That’s too much for me.”  Trying all of them is overwhelming.  Even attempting one is going to take work and determination.  You might find you need help.  I know I have needed help.  I have leaned on my care team and on friends to help me.  To do this, especially with friends or family members, you must be clear in stating what you need.  If one strategy doesn’t work, don’t give up.  Try another strategy.  Ask your therapist or other trusted person for other ideas.  I have only listed a few.  If you have another idea, put it in the comments.  You might have the perfect idea to help someone else. 

            Developing self-esteem when suffering from depression is not easy.  It is a battle.  But it is a battle worth fighting. 

             Check back on Monday, July 17 for a new post.